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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why can he change for her, but couldn’t for his wife? :(

41 replies

Missbee90 · 17/05/2019 16:08

Just that really...

Posted a few times and always received such wise words so needing a little support today.

29, was with my ex husband for 11 years and married a year when he came home and quite simply told me he didn’t love me anymore and I deserved better than how he treated me. He’s now with someone else, there was no OW (trust me on that) I don’t have him on social media and I’ve asked friends to stop telling me stuff about what he’s doing.. but people still talk.

He wasn’t a bad husband, he was just selfish but I was used too it.. now I hear how he’s quit certain hobbies to spend time with his new girlfriend, constantly taking her away on surprises and being the dream boyfriend.

I just don’t get it, how can someone leave their wife because they deserve better but then go on to treat the new girlfriend like a queen.

OP posts:

FookMeFookYou · 17/05/2019 18:36

His butter wouldn't melt act won't last long so stop worrying about what he's doing and concentrate on yourself and your own happiness. All the best

Karigan195 · 17/05/2019 18:39

You’re hearing and finding out about snippets from third parties. They and you do not know what’s really happening in that relationship. I’ve had this with my ex. Listen to his new wife and he’s fantastic but i kept quiet and I now know her a lot better and honestly I feel sorry for her.

TheAssemblywomen · 17/05/2019 18:39

I agree with others, he'll soon revert to type.

Shootingstar1115 · 17/05/2019 18:41

It won’t last. His new relationship is still in the new exciting stage.. it will probably change!

AimeeFrank · 17/05/2019 18:41

Hun, they never change. He’ll be a king for her until he can’t pretend anymore. A selfish wanker is always a selfish wanker. YOU deserve better. Love and hugs
X

Contraceptionismyfriend · 17/05/2019 19:42

It could be that he's happy. That he genuinely wants to be with her and so he behaviour reflects that.

MrsJonesAndMe · 17/05/2019 19:56

They really really don't change. If he is bad with money then he'll burn through that and then be back to normal...

MatthewBramble · 17/05/2019 21:44

Possibly he's on his best behaviour. I suspect however it's more that she won't put up with all that you did.

Original poster

Missbee90 · 17/05/2019 22:02

Thanks all, I promise I’m no pushover and didn’t put up with crap.. he really was pretty good up until a few months after we got married and I challenged the poor behaviour which then resulted in arguments and him falling out of love. Thank you again for the replies x

OP posts:

MitziK · 17/05/2019 22:20

Because he hasn't actually changed - he's doing what he can to convince her he's perfect. including splashing the cash about rather than use it wisely.

Once his feet are properly under the table, he'll get her to say 'oh how sad, you weren't allowed to do those hobbies, of course it's OK to do them'. And before you know it, she's wondering where the fuck the bloke she met has gone, he's pissed off because he's spent all that money on her and she's doing the same as you in not putting up with the exact same selfish behaviour.

Justbreathing · 17/05/2019 22:23

I have no doubt he will so to her what he did to you.
But hoping someone else’s life turns out to be un happy isn’t a good place to be. Though I know how you feel!
It’s tough.

MMmomDD · 17/05/2019 23:25

His life with her may or may not turn out how it was with you. No one can know that and it doesn’t really matter. It’s his life...

Good news is that you are young. It may be sad, but doesn’t change the fact that most relationships that start at 18 last forever.
You were simply too young and not yet fully mature adults. Most people change a lot in their 20s. And more often than not - those early relationships break down by the 30s. And people go on to meet new people.
You will too.

happybunny007 · 17/05/2019 23:30

He didn’t leave you because he thought you deserved better. He left because he wanted to, and just said that becuase he thought it made him sound good.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2019 23:37

So he was good most of the time and only changed in the later part of your time with him? In which case he's behaving according to form.

This is also relevant.

he then confessed he had been behaving poorly in the hope I’d fall out of love too

He wasn't bothered. He won't get a new woman by behaving horrible...so he has to be a nice guy...the charmer.

Another thing is he may just not be mature enough for marriage.

Rtmhwales · 18/05/2019 00:41

It could be any reason. But everyone saying he will revert to type isn't necessarily wrong.

I was a horrible partner to one of my exes. I eventually left him and met someone else very quickly and was a good partner. It probably pained my ex to see that. But it wasn't because I was a horrible person overall - instead, the relationship had started floundering with my ex and we'd gotten into a toxic cycle of misunderstanding each other and not taking enough time to fix the relationship or looking at ourselves and what parts we played in the relationship failing. When you're at a job that you don't love, you don't put your all in - when you find a new one, you put your all in in the hopes that it's the best for you and sustainable. It's similar to relationships and even parenting (anybody else on DC #2/3/4 and not as best behaved as they were with their PFB?).

It's not necessarily a reflection of him as a person not saying he loves her more. It's just the fresh start.

AgentJohnson · 18/05/2019 06:55

Oh dear God, really! He wanted to make himself fall out of love with you and that’s why he treated you badly. Come on OP, more likely he had his head turned and was being a prick so you would leave him, therefore making you the bad guy.

The new woman isn’t getting the best of him, because the best of him also includes treating someone like crap because they are too gutless to admit that they wanted out of a long-standing relationship.

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