Whatsapp usage and cheating

[LittleWing80]

I have been with my boyfriend a few months after a couple of years on my own following a several years relationship.
We are not living together but defined our relationship and are both comitted, exclusive and hopefully in for the long run. When we first met my boyfriend hardly used whatsapp (unlike me, I use it for family, friends, work and I’m several groups). His ‘last seen’ which I could see everytime I had to send him photos on whatsapp were showing 3-4 days since last seen.
Lately I noticed he removed his Last Seen but thought it was because work was harrassing him.
I then noticed a couple of weeks ago a change in our texting pattern when we weren’t phishcally together. Less flirty, less texts and often my last text unanswered without the usual goodnight text. Again put it down to work related stress. Casually asked him once if everything was ok as he was quieter and he said it was work.
One night a week ago, again he stopped texting but it was only 9pm. I happened to be on whatsapp with my sister until 10.30 and for no particular reason open my last chat with him and he was online. My heart sank, it was an awful feeling but didn’t want to be the paranoid psycho girlfriend becoming hysterical so I sent him a normal text asking if he was asleep. No answer until the following morning. That night I stared at our chat on whatsapp for 1.5 hours and he went online stayed the time to write a message and went offline and that pattern every 5 minutes or so consistantly. The following morning I couldn’t help but answering his first text (he was saying he was shattered and fell asleep at 9), with a ‘i texted you at 10.30 and knew you were awake but you didn’t reply (I didnt mention whatsapp). He replied half hour later swearing he was asleep at 9. Since then it’s more or less the same whatsapp pattern, before work, after work and until 10.30. Also less and less good night texts.
I am trying to be rational about it but having being cheated on in the past, that put me in a state of depression, I cried at work and barely holding it together in front of the kids, I don’t sleep. On his day off a few days ago I called him at my break and for the first time he didn’t return my call but I saw him on whatsapp. Later he said he put his phone on silent to avoid work.
I really don’t know what’s happening to me. One minute I feel crazy and paranoid, silly the next. Then i cant help but think although he wanted and apparently still wants a committed relationship, he is still open to find better elsewhere and will dump me. Then I am scared to confront him in case I am paranoid and he gets hurt by my lack of trust.
Please help. I don’t know what to do I’m a wreck xx

Hello sorry you are feeling so upset. It does sound as if he is cooling off I’m afraid. Maybe being a bit distant might make him notice. Keep busy and make fun plans with your kids and friends.

I'd probably get shot down for this but I'd check his phone given the chance. You could just ask him and explain what you've seen and that you've noticed he's been distant. Whether he'd tell you the truth though is another issue. That's why I'd check his phone

The thing is you are paranoid

I’ve never understood why people assume that WhatsApp useage = cheating? Because if that’s the case I must look like a serial cheat. I’ve got my ‘last online’ hidden aswell

Thing is.. you’ve been together a few months. It shouldn’t be like this after 5 years even more so this early! You should be all loved up and giddy, not checking when he was last online and paranoid that he’s chatting to other women.

It’s all good and well that he says he wants a committed relationship but you need to listen to what he does, not what he says. It certainly sounds as if he’s cooled off a lot so perhaps you either need a chat with him or end the relationship. But it should never be this hard work, it sounds exhausting constantly checking his online status.

Also, you should never feel scared about having a conversation with someone

This would not sit right with me.

It’s early days and I would straight up ask him. Say you were rereading your msg thread on WhatsApp and saw he was online a lot when he said he was asleep. It’s not a healthy relationship if you are afraid to ask. If he’s into you and has nothing to hide he’ll be happy to give you a valid reason.

No way would I waste any more time on this relationship without a conversation face to face about it. It’s fair enough, don’t feel bad about how he will react, just to it.

I think you have to talk to him OP. If he's online as much as you say when he says he's asleep or whatever, then he's talking to somebody isn't he? It doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating though. I think communication is the key here. If he's cooling off then you have a right to know that and it would be better now than further down the line. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Funnily enough, my ex-h is not allowed to use Whatsapp by his girlfriend (who was the OW) because they have paired phones but she can't access his Whatsapp, only texts and emails. Us being able to communicate unsupervised is a problem it appears . I think this app, while I use it for almost everything, does cause a lot of paranoia because of the way that it works. I hope your fears are unfounded. Good luck

OP how long is a few months with your new bf?

This definitely sounds like hard work for you and doesn’t sound healthy, you shouldn’t be feeling like this so early in a relationship.

Take care of yourself xx

I’ve seen this pattern before and i’m afraid to say that I would be thinking the same in your situation. I would probably start taking my own steps to withdraw from things at this point.

You use WhatsApp but have not cheated, but here you are posting about your bf just because he is using it more rather than spend every waking minute texting you,

Grow up

My elderly mother has been shown as active nonstop for past 72hours. Not sure it means anything.

Well what about him lying and saying he'd gone to sleep at 9pm but clearly online at 10:30pm? That's red flag enough.

The online status thing is far from accurage though

Can you not just be honest with him and ask him to be honest back, what is the point in all this being hidden?

He does sound like he's cooling and sounds like you've got in way too deep emotionally too fast, You have kids so watching the phone for 1.5hrs is just not healthy nor a good example to them. Throw yourself into your life and your kids and don't make this man ... or any the centre of your universe. Also you might want to consider some therapy?

I really think you should talk to him before this gets out of hand and you jump to conclusions.

I'm not sure how accurate the WhatsApp thing is. I also wonder if he's in to you and committed but just finds the level of communication you expect a bit much but doesn't want to offend you? My DH is a pretty rubbish replier and pretty much has been for the majority of our relationship. He tells me he runs out of things to talk about! He seems however to chat football none stop with his mates on WhatsApp! I therefore think you could still fix this if you talk to him rather than check his phone! That is something you should never do in my opinion! If you don't trust him, end it!

Watsapp online isn't accurate. My DP was apparently online yesterday evening when he was sat next to me and his phone charging across the room 🤷‍♀️

It sometimes shows as online when a message comes in for you. Having said that, it doesn't sound good.

Hi LittleWing80

I’ve been exactly where you are now right down to watching someone go online/offline when someone claimed to be ill and in bed. I turned into someone I didn’t want to be. It’s not healthy and I mean that kindly. Logically you know that just because someone is online it doesn’t mean they are cheating. You’re online speaking to your sister, I was online chatting in my work group. He’s allowed to have other interests and friends.

I talked to my boyfriend at the time about it and he swore that he’d been asleep. As other people have said, sometimes the online thing doesn’t work, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But the whole thing left me so unsettled that I asked, for the sake of my sanity, for us to conduct our messages by good old fashioned text instead. He agreed as we’d already had conversations about our mental health and I felt happier...for a while. After a few weeks I ended the relationship anyways because of other issues.

I’m now dating someone new and it’s text only at my suggestion. I did go on messenger the other day and saw him online and I felt that familiar punch in the gut feeling...but I was online to talk to someone other than him quite innocently and until he gives me reason to believe otherwise I’ll trust him. I’ve also been getting help for my anxiety which is chronic but mostly manageable. However online communications are a a trigger for me. I’m happier without them.

It does sound like he is cooling off but you have known this man for THREE MONTHS.

Crying at work and at home over a man you known for three months? You need to stop acting so weak.

Dating now days is horrible and you need a thick skin. But after this short amount of time, he owes you nothing. He most likely is dating someone else and keeping you as a back up.

You need to take a step back from this relationship. It has only been three months, you do not know this man nor do you love him.

I'd probably get shot down for this but I'd check his phone given the chance

Please do not do this. After 3 months as bf/gf this is terrible advice.

@IronManisnotDead no need to be quite so mean, the OP is here for advice not to be flamed. This forum is for people who have problems to seek advice/vent etc isn’t it?!

This is one of the ways I found out my ExP was cheating.
Trust your instincts.
It's a new relationship.
You don't trust him.
Just end it move on.

It does seem he is cooling off and maybe chatting to someone else, but yes, you are way too invested in this man you've been with for only three months. As a PP said - never make a man the centre of your universe.

Thank you everyone who commented I really appreciate you taking the time.
The majority seems to agree that one way or another this doesn’t sound good
Just to clarify on a few points.
My kids didn’t see me stare at my phone for 1.5 hours, the online activity I witnessed has been mostly at night after they are in bed. They are the most important people in my life and it’s also why I want to know a man is trustworthy if he is going to come into our lives.
Also someone said maybe my boyfriend runs out of things to say. I don’t think it’s the case because he is a real chatterbox and I don’t think I have unrealistic expectations as he has always texted a lot (without me asking or commenting). For example, when he is out with his little girl, I never text, he sends me photos of them at the park or tells me what they are doing....
Someone mentioned because I have known him 3 months, he must be dating other people and dating is like that nowadays. I agree, I am not into this modern dating because I was long term and then on my own for that reason. He was the same (we talked about it when we were just friends). I haven’t just known him 3 months, we were friends first. I define the day we entered a relationship when he sat me down (not me) and told me he wanted a long term committed relationship, didnt want me to date anyone else and was not dating or planning to date anyone else. If he is then to me it is cheating (surely I am not being irrational?). Having said that, I know people change etc but the lie floored me more than anything. And then the pattern, I never ‘checked on’ him before or had jealousy fights (I don’t nag, we don’t really fight either) and then all of a sudden I felt he might be forming emotional bonds with someone else online. I really just wanted opinions to see if my mind was on overdrive because I don’t want to be a paranoid girlfriend, I also don’t want make a good guy miserable or push him away. If however, there is something going on I am ready for it and I prefer ending it. I will be heartbroken yes, but if cheated on or double timed I will be humiliated AND heartbroken so....
I wanted a good guy (which by all accounts he seemed to be - my friend even told me she found him boring once before we got together which I was surprised about as I never thought that) and was not waiting for a knight in charming armour. We had tough times me and my kids before and we can go through them but I would have welcomed that little bit of happiness. Yes modern dating is harsh and maybe not for me so if doesn’t work out I would prefer to be on my own than wasting time dating multiple people who also date other people but I need to know and at the same time not create a drama where there is no reason to be any.

It does seem he is cooling off and maybe chatting to someone else, but yes, you are way too invested in this man you've been with for only three months. As a PP said - never make a man the centre of your universe.
^^Completely agree.

Let this one go OP. When someone’s into you they don’t leave you hanging . His recent behaviour (hiding his last seen status , igniting your messages feigning he was asleep when you know this to be untrue and a decline in the flirting and general frequency of messages) suggests he’s talking to someone else. Who wants a liar and a cheat ? You can do better , throw this one back x