Whatsapp usage and cheating

[LittleWing80]

I have been with my boyfriend a few months after a couple of years on my own following a several years relationship.
We are not living together but defined our relationship and are both comitted, exclusive and hopefully in for the long run. When we first met my boyfriend hardly used whatsapp (unlike me, I use it for family, friends, work and I’m several groups). His ‘last seen’ which I could see everytime I had to send him photos on whatsapp were showing 3-4 days since last seen.
Lately I noticed he removed his Last Seen but thought it was because work was harrassing him.
I then noticed a couple of weeks ago a change in our texting pattern when we weren’t phishcally together. Less flirty, less texts and often my last text unanswered without the usual goodnight text. Again put it down to work related stress. Casually asked him once if everything was ok as he was quieter and he said it was work.
One night a week ago, again he stopped texting but it was only 9pm. I happened to be on whatsapp with my sister until 10.30 and for no particular reason open my last chat with him and he was online. My heart sank, it was an awful feeling but didn’t want to be the paranoid psycho girlfriend becoming hysterical so I sent him a normal text asking if he was asleep. No answer until the following morning. That night I stared at our chat on whatsapp for 1.5 hours and he went online stayed the time to write a message and went offline and that pattern every 5 minutes or so consistantly. The following morning I couldn’t help but answering his first text (he was saying he was shattered and fell asleep at 9), with a ‘i texted you at 10.30 and knew you were awake but you didn’t reply (I didnt mention whatsapp). He replied half hour later swearing he was asleep at 9. Since then it’s more or less the same whatsapp pattern, before work, after work and until 10.30. Also less and less good night texts.
I am trying to be rational about it but having being cheated on in the past, that put me in a state of depression, I cried at work and barely holding it together in front of the kids, I don’t sleep. On his day off a few days ago I called him at my break and for the first time he didn’t return my call but I saw him on whatsapp. Later he said he put his phone on silent to avoid work.
I really don’t know what’s happening to me. One minute I feel crazy and paranoid, silly the next. Then i cant help but think although he wanted and apparently still wants a committed relationship, he is still open to find better elsewhere and will dump me. Then I am scared to confront him in case I am paranoid and he gets hurt by my lack of trust.
Please help. I don’t know what to do I’m a wreck xx

Meant to say ignoring not igniting! 😂 ffs

Let’s add pyromaniac to his lists of negatives too !

That made me chuckle 😂. Deep down I know you are right and I have already started this process of letting go in my head (probably because I am here seeking validation 😢). Thank you x

And I wouldn’t even tell him that he’s been dumped the cheeky sod, i’d Just ignore him , let it be an enigma for him 😂 or block him on everything.
I’ve been when your are , met a guy on a dating platform, we were exclusive for 6 months (had the convo) , I discovered he was seeing someone else so instead of sending him “I know and it’s over msg” I just stopped contact and left all his messages unread, let them literally pile up on WhatsApp. I read them all in airplane mode , it gave me the upmost satisfaction . He was messaging for 8 months after 😂 x

Wow thats really bad. I’m sorry to hear. Why anyone would do that is beyond me. I get the fact it’s hard to tell someone you’ve gone off them but at least break up with decency, say you don’t want a relationship now and then clean cut. I don’t get the fact one minute a person wants a relationship and the next off they go probably telling someone the same bs.
I really hope you found your little patch of happiness now though 🤗x

Oh he had no intention in breaking up with me, the other woman he was dating lived in a different area so he thought he could keep it going with both of us 😂.
I just never bothered to let him know it was over and that I’d discovered what he was doing. I’m very happy now Op, that was a good few years ago but it reminded me of your situation x

What do you plan to do ? X

I have been texted him back less since (not to play tit for tat just a bit sad and feeling I have to dettach). He even double texted once or twice because he didn’t hear back. I am not sure about ghosting (though I think what you did was the right thing to do in the circumstance). I am in the phase of sadness just now, processing in my head that it will likely be over soon. A few people on here have advised to confront him so I might do that face to face in a non confrontational way and non dramatic way. From his reaction, I will then probably fade off but he’ll know that I know if that makes sense. Happy to hear you are in a good place now :) x

I’m sorry you feel sad at the moment OP . Just know that you will get through it (regardless of the outcome). Be prepared for some potentially very good lies... it’s up to you what happens next but I hope you find happiness lovely x

Thanks again so much. I am a human lie detector so I am pretty sure his body language will tell me a lot and I know to ask the right questions. I am prepared indeed for it to ebd so in a way, I already passed that milestone should it come to it and you know, I want to be kind to myself. If I feel sad, I feel sad and as you said it will pass. We have to be strong but it’s also ok not to be sometimes.... take care xx

People have said to me before "what was you doing online at 4am?" Etc and I wasn't, I was fast asleep. No one else would use my phone so don't have an explanation for it. I would stop monitoring him because you will drive yourself mad and if he's innocent he will feel like you're accusing him of cheating

This is horrible. I feel for you so much I have been there with my ex who I loved dearly but my gut instinct /female intuition was telling me it wasn't right.
After six months he cooled off and made me feel anxious. It was horrible. If I got upset or asked him he'd turn it on me and make me feel crazy.
Basically he was a man baby who couldn't be honest and let me down in a respectful kind way. Instead he made me do it!
I found out he was seeing someone else.

No.man should ever make you question yourself or cause anxiety! Never ever

I was utterly heartbroken.

Now I am with a grown up (my fiancé) he has always been as solid as a rock. Never ever have I had to worry or second guess.

Please you deserve the very best

No advice but it's a fact that communication is about 30% what we say and 70% what our body language says. So you'll know by his body language.

You sound lovely and level headed if not a little broken OP. I mean that in the kindest way. I hope this works out for you and you also find your patch of happiness xx

Thank you for sharing your happy ending, maybe one day, I’ll have mine x

Thank you, it means a lot 🤗xx

Op I think you could get a lot of resolution here with an honest conversation.

Its early days and I've been there - your anxiety may be actualky poisoning this relationship.

Your mind is your worst enemy here.

Sit him down and say you feel a bit disappointed things don't seem to be going well. Listen and look.

Online behaviour is not enough to let this go. It may well be you who is so stressed you are infecting the situation with dread

If he wants out however -at least you can stop wondering.

Social media causes such paranoia. You can't 100% rely on online status.

What you need to be concerned with is how he treats you. Does he stick to his word. Is he kind to you. Does he treat your kids well...if he's met them.

Has he introduced you to friends yet? Family? ....I know its early days...but I'd look out for those things.

Sandy, thank you.
We have a couple of friends in common. He has introduced me to a couple of his since we got together too. I know his DD, she likes me and he apparently (of course he could say anything but he volunteers the information) he talks about me to his parents but I haven’t met them. He treats me with respect and seems to respect my feelings. I appreciate it but it is the sort of person he is so he wouldn’t be careless and mean even if he was no longer interested I don’t think (I don’t know if I’m explaining properly). And we have always retained the goofiness we had when we were just friends.