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Original poster

After married peoples opinions

45 replies

Mama2EE · 16/05/2019 21:31

Been married for nearly 2 years, together for 5. Have a baby together. I keep thinking if we weren't married and he asked me now I would say no. I also think if we only just started seeing each other and he was the way he is (playing games on his phone all the time, always only half listening to me, not helping with the baby unless I specifically ask him to do anything) I would in fact finish the relationship as this is not something I'm happy with. I'm after married peoples opinions, particularly those that have had children together. Is this normal? If your DH or DW asked you to marry them now would you? Is this what marriage is about? I understand having the baby has amplified things as he's just living the way he was before and I'm the one doing bloody everything

OP posts:
RubberTreePlant · 16/05/2019 21:32

It doesn't sound functional. I wouldn't accept it from DH, put it that way.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/05/2019 21:33

I always said that had I not got pregnant we wouldn’t have been together. As it happened we only lasted 8 years before we split.

RogersVideo · 16/05/2019 21:41

No I wouldn't be happy with that. Both my and DH's lives have massively changed since having children.

Can you discuss the mental load with him? DH and I discussed it years ago and he definitely upped his game after.

category12 · 16/05/2019 21:46

Have you told him this? Perhaps not in those terms, but really laid out how unhappy you are?

2cats2many · 16/05/2019 21:47

Right now, with children aged 10 and 12, I would say yes. We're in a very solid place and I love him very much.

When the children were toddlers? Hmmmm...i could easily have written your post.

Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint and there are always loads of issues to work out. If you can both agree that you want to try and stay together, that you'll always try and work it out and that you can give apologies freely, it really helps.

Also keep having sex with each other. It maintains an intimacy that can be in scare supply when the children are small. And

AnyFucker · 16/05/2019 21:50

That is not normal

And he sounds like a shit husband and father

Absolutepowercorrupts · 16/05/2019 21:57

It's very sad that you have to ask him to help with his baby, you may have given birth but he's a parent too. Yes I'd marry my husband again but we don't have dc so my experience is not yours.
Life with small children is very difficult but you should try and be a team. If he's not pulling his weight, talk to him about how he can make a difference. I know that's easier said than done but if you don't set your expectations out now you may find it difficult later on.

proudmummywife · 16/05/2019 22:18

When we had a newborn I felt like this. Think we done as much as eachother but always get into argument who had it the hardest. Tiredness causes resentment. Once babies turned 2 we got back on track.

lostlobster · 16/05/2019 22:19

I wouldn’t be happy if DH did this, could you talk to him about it?

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 16/05/2019 22:22

That is not my ‘normal’. DH was there 150% for me after DD was born. He is there 150% when I need him the most. We are a team and will get through even the worst together.

Your DH sounds awful. Very immature. How old are you both?

Accountant222 · 16/05/2019 22:24

I've been married an awful long time but if I could wind the clock back, I definitely wouldn't marry him again

NigellaAwesome · 16/05/2019 22:24

The early years are very straining on marriages. I'm sure I have countless threads on here from years back complaining about DH. DC are older now and it does get easier.

It's hard to tell though if it is a sleep deprived, heavy pressure blip, or not a keeper in any event.

I also suggest talking about the mental load. It helped me and my relationship.

Mrsmummy90 · 16/05/2019 22:25

I wouldn't accept that behaviour.
If my DH asked me to marry him now, I'd say yes.
He is a hands on father, does loads round the house (more than me tbh) and is a loving husband. Of course he can do my head in at times but I adore him.

It sounds like your Dh needs to stop putting himself first and work hard at his relationship with your dc and you.

PickAChew · 16/05/2019 22:27

It's only normal when you have a lazy partner who thinks he's still a teenager with no responsibilities.

RiversDisguise · 16/05/2019 22:56

I think a lot of people on here, myself included, are on their phones too much!

I don't think it's normal to feel like that, OP. You might be happier apart.

Deadringer · 16/05/2019 23:08

I am married 30 years and it would be a no from me if he asked now. After you have a baby is the most testing time for many relationships ime, thank God we didn't have mobile phones back then. Op your dh sounds lazy and he needs a good talking too. He needs to share the physical and mental load equally with you, your DC is his child too and helping with the baby only when prompted isn't going to cut it. You really need to tackle this now, before you both settle into these roles long term. Tell him to shape up or ship out, and mean it.

Cornishclio · 16/05/2019 23:14

Married 37 years and yes I would marry him again so don't regret it. Marriage is rarely static though and you go through good and bad times. Having young children is testing and I would not be happy to have a lazy inattentive husband who did not pull his weight. Talk to him, tell him you are not happy and where he thinks this relationship is going. He has a child and a wife and is not a teenager so playing games while you do everything is not on. I would not stand for it so he either bucks up or you should think if you want to stay with him.

Surfingtheweb · 16/05/2019 23:15

It's normal to feel like that when it's not going well I think. You guys need to take action before resentment sets in, if you can't make him see how much it means to you then you need to suggest counselling. Don't let this fester, it will only get worse.

SandyY2K · 16/05/2019 23:15

Being honest there have been times I wouldn't marry DH again, but right now I would do.

When our DC were younger (their teens now), I was often fed up and felt taken for granted.

I'm sure had I come to MN way back then.. I'd have been told to leave him. If I had the wisdom I do now, back then, he would have had to do more, because I would have been prepared to walk.

The thing is when I mentioned it a few years ago...his memory was that he did do a lot with the DC...he's steadfast in his memory too.

I'm not saying he did nothing...but I did at least 80%.

The me of now, would have been clear...the situation has to improve or we are done.

SandyY2K · 16/05/2019 23:16

I think the lack of engagement with their kids, is why some men find it easy to just walk away and never look back.

Questionnumber1 · 16/05/2019 23:33

Very true SandyY2K

Jedeye · 16/05/2019 23:33

I second Rogers advice - you need to read about the mental load. I think that link was broken so maybe try this www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Really insightful. Good luck OP Flowers

maras2 · 16/05/2019 23:34

We were quite young when we married 45 years ago but we had 'courted' for a few years before so knew each other very well.
We had our first DD within a year and muddled through it together.
I did the feeding and he did the winding/changing etc.We didn't need to even discuss it,it seemed to come naturally (I may have an old lady's rose tinted specs on)
Maybe we're just lucky but we've never had the need for 'the talk' and when DS arrived 6 years later there was no muddling through, just a relaxed enjoyment.
There was no paternity leave back then but DH was in a job that was quite family orientated and progressive for the 1970's.
We're retired now but, yes I would marry him again.
I think that you've been with your DH long enough now to be able to sit down and tell him to step up and parent his baby.
Good luck Flowers

Jedeye · 16/05/2019 23:35

And to answer your question no I wouldn’t

Original poster
Mama2EE · 16/05/2019 23:40

Thank you everyone for your responses, it's given me food for thought. It's true he is lazy when it comes to baby and housework. If I'm honest he's always been a bit like that but without the baby it wasn't really much of an issue. I last spoke to him about this about 3 months ago. Things did improve. Before baby if I felt things are a bit mundane and we were getting fed up with each other we'd book a weekend away, minimal phone time, lots of sex, laughter and we always came back refreshed and very much in love.

Like a few PPs have said I also think things will improve once the baby is older..however

I do think that he feels incredibly comfortable now that we're married and is not making an effort. Funny how women get the bad press for being 'nagging wives'. Wonder why we're nagging 😒 it's not just about helping with the baby. This is so bad but I miss just him making an effort to romance me. By this I mean he's taking me for granted. I feel like he's got himself a wife, job done, now he can relax

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