After married peoples opinions

[Mama2EE]

Been married for nearly 2 years, together for 5. Have a baby together. I keep thinking if we weren't married and he asked me now I would say no. I also think if we only just started seeing each other and he was the way he is (playing games on his phone all the time, always only half listening to me, not helping with the baby unless I specifically ask him to do anything) I would in fact finish the relationship as this is not something I'm happy with. I'm after married peoples opinions, particularly those that have had children together. Is this normal? If your DH or DW asked you to marry them now would you? Is this what marriage is about? I understand having the baby has amplified things as he's just living the way he was before and I'm the one doing bloody everything

I’ve been with my DH for 23 years, married 11 years and recently he asked me to marry him again. I’d have said yes to DH every day for our whole relationship.
If they ever came a point when I felt I wouldn’t have married him, I know there would have had to be a very good reason. If you have that sort of reason clearly you aren’t being treated how you deserve to be.

You don’t have to throw in the towel yet though, you can talk and try to rekindle what you had. You married him for a reason, try to find out what that was again. Tell your husband how you want to be treated and see if he can work with you to make those changes. Don’t say nothing and become resentful.

No it's definitely not normal. We had children very quickly after getting married, and with a small age gap, and of course it hasn't all been a bed of roses, but I've never felt like DH wasn't on my side and looking out for me, and I wouldn't have to think twice to say of course I would marry him again if someone asked me that question.

A new baby does completely change the relationship and you need to make sure you're both communicating openly and honestly with each other. It's not good for the relationship if you're not discussing things and being open with each other.

Just read about the mental load! Thank you for the link, it nearly made me cry! That is my life. Always having to remember everything and then remind him. Should I just send the link to my DH? As it describes our relationship perfectly

The early years adjusting to being parents and having a small baby to deal with it are hard. It took us a while, some arguing and some tears to sort it out. I've had quite a few conversations over the years where I've said it would be easier if my husband wasn't here - and he did properly half the childcare and dropped down to four days a week like me.

You do need to keep talking to him and letting him know how bad you're feeling. Be practical and sit down and work out who is going to take responsibility for what.

Definitely book a babysitter, go out together and remember what you like about each other. Regularly.

I would definitely marry my husband again, but we didn't get married until our youngest was 4! Now we've got to survive the teenage years...

I would actually.

A few years back, no, I wanted to divorce him.

I think many women look past a mans obvious flaws when they first get together and it only really comes to light when a baby comes along. Women expect men to change and step up but many don’t and just stay in their own little lazy world.

You need to get on top of this now op, once you have more than one child and they are at school the mental load increases and intensifies ime. Don't let him dismiss you as a nag (not saying he has) this is just one of the weapons in a lazy man's arsenal. Every time you do more to compensate for what he is not doing, he will do a little less and you will end up exhausted and very resentful.

I'm sorry he is like that. My husband wants to help with ds as much as he can, I've never had to ask him to help.
Obviously things are different now than from how they used to be. Life is different. But if he asked me to marry him now, I'd still say yes. Because overall we are still happy

If I'd lived with him before we got married, I wouldn't have married him. He's now a stbxh, after 15yrs together but split for a year.

My current wife after over a decade a resounding yes, we get along brilliantly still. We disagree but don't argue, allow each other space to do things we enjoy like loud rock (me), Theatre (her). She will listen to me blathering on about stuff bothering me (very ill father who I care for) and like wise when stuff gets her I will sit and listen. We don't expect each other to do things we don't want to with exception being things for the kids, went to Disney that we knew I would detest but it was worth it for DD face.
My ex I knew after a year it was a mistake and looking back I felt beforehand I was making a big mistake, mostly she was not the right match for me and me her.
I think to make things work you need to put the others needs as a high priority but not allow it to go all one way.

My current wife after over a decade a resounding yes, we get along brilliantly still. We disagree but don't argue, allow each other space to do things we enjoy like loud rock (me), Theatre (her). She will listen to me blathering on about stuff bothering me (very ill father who I care for) and like wise when stuff gets her I will sit and listen. We don't expect each other to do things we don't want to with exception being things for the kids, went to Disney that we knew I would detest but it was worth it for DD face.
My ex I knew after a year it was a mistake and looking back I felt beforehand I was making a big mistake, mostly she was not the right match for me and me her.
I think to make things work you need to put the others needs as a high priority but not allow it to go all one way.

Yes, I would RACE down the aisle to marry my DH again. Coming up 10 years married.
Maybe start with agreeing rules around phone use in the evenings? And having a date night?

A date night would be great but the problem is I still BF our DS and it's impossible to put him to bed without BF him. So in the evening I'm stuck at home. He's 6 months now and refusing bottles. I've tried putting him on formula but he's just refusing and cries until he has boob. This prevents us from having couple time in evenings anywhere other than our living room which has been taken over by baby's toys and I'm kind of sick of being there.

Ive thought about this a lot and I don't know what the answer is apart from waiting until our baby is older and hoping we actually last until then.

To answer your question, I would marry my husband still now. More so post kids.
But what's important is your feelings. His behaviour clearly needs to change.

Send him the link.

Yes I would marry mine again, he’s great. I would say we are a team, which is what you need to be.

If you think you wouldn'tgo out with him if he asked you, (let alone marriage.) Why are you even with him?

Although I wouldn't marry nearly ex now, (nearly divorced), when it came to the kids, I couldn't have asked for more. Very hands on, very equal and he didn't see the kids as my job. That's how it should be.

I wouldnt either....I set my bar way too low..seeing it more now the kids are growing.

I stayed with h because I thought I loved him, I overlooked all his annoying traits because I liked the idea of us being a family, I wanted the best for my kids. If I was in your position I would get out now, it doesn't get better over time, it's worse then they decide they have had enough and leave. I really think if we are honest the warning signs are there early on but we ignore them. Sorry it's Friday, we've spent the evening arguing again - bitter woman here.

Only you know how you feel and nothing needs to be sudden but listen to your heart, can you see yourself with adult kids and him sitting next to you?

Yes that's the thing. I can see myself with DH when kids are grown up, it's now that his attitude is annoying and frustrating. But the thing is to last until then! We don't really argue and are very similar but I have to tell him what to do around the house and with LO which is super frustrating and gets me down. But we never fall out or shout at each other, nothing like that.