Would it be sad and pathetic to contact my ex?

[BigRedLondonBus]

I am having a really hard time at the moment, would it be really pathetic to contact my ex? We have 4 kids together and he ended it with me and disappeared. Haven’t had contact in 2 years. Would it be really sad and pathetic to contact him??

Had he not seen the DC in 2 years?

If not, then why bother with him.
He ended it...so leave him be in any case.

What exactly would you say to man who disappeared and abandoned his 4 children?

He seriously sounds like the worst possible person you could contact.

No he hasn’t seen them. I haven’t heard a thing from him. Life is just hard at the moment and I don’t get why I’m left to do it all on my own.

For what purpose? Is he paying towards the dc? Are you looking for practical help? Or to ask him back?

What is the likelihood you'd get a response?

Really really sad and pathetic.

I don’t know what really, just feel like he should be taking some responsibility. No he doesn’t pay.

Don't do it

I get that you want him to shoulder some of the responsibility and have some support. But he’s shown you that he’s not the man to do this.
So who can? Friends? Family? What can you do to make you feel better?

Get the CMS onto him instead.

He left you with four children to bring up? How has he got away with not paying?

Friends too busy with their own lives family don’t care, I just feel trapped at the moment, I can’t see a way out. He doesn’t work or claim benefits according to the cms so nothing they can do.

Get child support from him via the CSA.

Are you in contact with his family? Are you in the UK?

He's a waste of space. A very sad man he is.

What did he say when he left? Why did he end it?

Your poor kids?

@BigRedLondonBus hi op your clearly going through a rough time at the moment and struggling as given. Maybe you feel like you miss him or u need help or really u aren't settled and want answers as to why things have turned out the way they are. It must bother you if your thinking of contacting him. Remind yourself of your self worth. And that you don't need to contact a man that had no interest in your feelings enough to up and go like nothing is holding him back. One child would of been enough for him to stay or still help let alone four These things are had to process some quicker than others. Some always wonder why they weren't enough or if you did wrong. Your a good mum who is raising four children and that is a hard thing to do. Like I say just remind yourself you don't need him nor for him to see you struggling without him as he hasn't cared since he left I doubt he will now don't give him the satisfaction x

Cross post.

He's as useful as a chocolate teapot.
What kind of family does such a man come from?

No parents or siblings to intervene.

Is he surviving on cash in hand work?

He’s living off something. Either it’s illegal and/or he’s hiding it. Bastard.
I bet they would care but they think you’re coping fine.

Sorry you're feeling this way, OP.

How old are the dc? What are you struggling with particularly, is it the general grind of it all, or other issues?

If you're feeling low and rundown, could it be worth speaking to your GP?

Ah ok, I thought you were missing him or wanted some emotional support or something.
There's nothing sad or pathetic about feeling like you shouldn't have to do it on your own, he clearly just doesn't care about that though,the rotten waste of space!

Don't do it OP, I don't think anything good can come from it after so long and you will end up feeling worse. Sending hugs x

He doesn’t have any family other than a sister who again doesn’t care. He’s not very close to her so maybe that’s why. He’s mum and dad died before I met him. I believe he is working cash in hand. The children are 8 7 5 and 2 (he’s seen the two year old about 3 times in the beginning)

Well done for doing it alone for so long! I'd have tried to contact him a lot sooner. Be clear on what exactly you want to say though & get onto CSA. Do your children not ask for him? Whatever happened between you two he's shirked any responsibility for 2 years. I think it's definitely time to talk.

What are exactly are you hoping to gain from contacting him when you say life is hard?

You need to be very exact about everything you might want
Is it help with the children? Financial or emotional or practical?
Is it emotional support for you? Or the prospect of a hug or one night stand sex or some kind of emotional contact?

Then once you've worked out all the things you might want, think about the chances of getting them from contacting him balanced with the prospect of being made to feel really shit if he rejects you or your concerns or whatever you are after out of hand.

It sounds like hard work being on your own with 4 of those ages. You're doing amazingly, you've done it for two years alone.

I don't think you'll get anything from him if you did try to get in touch. A man that would walk out on you all like that with barely any contact since isn't going to turn around and start sharing the load.

And even if he did, it'd be on the knife-edge of him vanishing again and the devastation that would cause your dc and you again.

Are you in touch with any organisations like Gingerbread? www.gingerbread.org.uk/
Your HV or GP practice might be able to signpost you to other local initiatives?

It’s mainly my sons that ask about him, my son thinks he’s dead, I’ve obviously not said that he is, but my son tells people that. My daughter doesn’t mention him and the youngest doesn’t know him. I just want the help, I didn’t make them on my own. I know I won’t get it though so I will just leave it. Just sick of doing it alone, my children’s school are always criticising and judging me and I feel
It’s because I’m a single mum, they recently reported
Me to social services because my son told them I leave my daughter home alone when I take them to school (I posted about it a little while ago) I don’t and I explained this to the school but they had already reported me before even speaking to me, my son has form for lying and does it with others. The social worker called today and told me that it doesn’t meet their criteria but that the school said that today my sons jumper was wet! He spilled a drink on himself on the way to school so he’s jumper had a wet patch on. I’m amazed the school called social services over this! I just want the help from the other parent who made the children with me, I don’t see why he gets to walk away with no responsibility.

I can’t believe he’s not paying anything. That’s awful. It’s bad enough he’s not around to actually be a bloody parent but to leave you without financial support either? What a bastard!
Is there anyone at the school who would be an advocate for you? Someone who could look at any way of accessing support rather than the heavy handed reporting of you to SS.
Your kids are so lucky to have you.