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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drama with DM

39 replies

ClosedAuraOpenMind · 14/05/2019 19:39

tbf there is often drama with my DM but not sure what to do this time so posting for some perspectives....

for context, my DF died suddenly but not unexpectedly in December 2016. DM was starting, vaguely, to think about her future when in July 2017 she almost died from a burst aneurysm.

that has left her severely disabled and housebound. I have 2 brothers, but we're all busy with our own lives, so a lot of the time she feels lonely and isolated. she has suffered depression in this period, though doesn't really admit it.

younger DB was working away from home when DM took ill but since he returned about eight months after the burst aneurysm he has been v good with her, and he and his wife usually take her out once a week.

I find getting over harder -I'm further away so it's a 100 mile round trip, I have DD who is eight, and a crazy job

My relationship with DM is also difficult, going back to my teens, but that's a whole other thing.

yesterday I spoke to DM who was upset, because she couldn't get a cable to charge her ipad. chatted briefly, but was trying to get DD her dinner so it was quick

she then phones my DH to tell him about the ipad charger, which he sorts, but then goes on to tell him about how DSIL saw her at the weekend, by herself, because DB was away, and was apparently being mean to her, telling her she's a burden, can't do anything for herself (and to be fair DM can't organise buying a charger cable herself) and there are floods of tears

she told my DH not to tell me this, which he clearly ignored Winkbut she was also adamant she didn't want my DB told because she wouldn't want to come between him and his wife, who is usually lovely .....

but I want to tell DB, partly because I think if DSIL has been a bit mean to her he should know, but more because I don't really believe my DM and I think he needs to call her out on it

DM has history for bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, and for over-egging any kind of drama, and generally playing the victim

so would I be a total cow to go behind her back and tell DB??

OP posts:
poglets · 14/05/2019 21:43

Stay well out of it. Do you really think your DM doesn't know that your DH will tell you? You'd be better to keep it to yourself until you know more.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2019 21:47

How old is she?

I'm not feeling much sympathy for her (from any of you) coming over in your post.

ukgift2016 · 14/05/2019 21:50

If your mother is severely disabled then she is an vulnerable adult.

Does your mother have carers? If the strain of looking after her is getting to your brother and his wife then other support is available.

negomi90 · 14/05/2019 22:01

Stay out of it - you don't know what happened.
Either your dm or sil could tell your brother. If its important one of them will (even if just for a moan).
Do NOT get involved.

Original poster
ClosedAuraOpenMind · 15/05/2019 00:07

thanks for replies....

for those who asked she is 72. doesn't have caters - she just about manages with the help of one lovely neighbour

maybe there should be more sympathy on my part for her, but as I said our relationship has been difficult for the last 30 odd years

OP posts:
Original poster
ClosedAuraOpenMind · 15/05/2019 00:09

carers, obviously not caters!

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 15/05/2019 01:31

she just about manages with the help of one lovely neighbour

Who presumably isn't getting paid?

Seriously, the govenment gets away with under-funding elder care because of shit like this...

smallereveryday · 15/05/2019 05:09

You mention 2 brothers as well as yourself. What part can he play ? I feel quite sorry for your housebound severely disabled mum. Yes of course she is lonely.

You sound very detached from her.. if she lived closer would you be more bothered or would that not make any difference and lose her , her kind neighbour?

FlyingMonkeys · 15/05/2019 05:34

Has she had an assessment and are you/she looking into full benefit/carers entitlement for her situation? To be fair if she's housebound can you see if she's eligible for carers to go in? Does she fall under PIP criteria to pay for support? Yes, her neighbour sounds lovely but it's not really down to them to pick up the slack (regardless of if you get on or not), and what happens if they get in a position to not cope?

cranstonmanor · 15/05/2019 05:46

If it all comes down to 1 child looking after her then yes, she probably is a burden. Can you pay for extra help to relieve your brother and hois wife? Can you make a rota with your other brothers so everyone does a share? It does seem unfair if your caring DB and his wife never have a weekend to themselves. This is not about caring for your DM, but about caring about your DB. Maybe you could check in by phone more often and order and arrange what she needs. I don't think you should tell your DB, I think you need to step up.

CrumpetyTea · 15/05/2019 05:47

I do think you need to sit down with your brothers and think about long term options- it just doesn't sound like its sustainable like it is- she may be exaggerating or it may be that SIL is feeling the pressure.
is being in her own home the best option for her? A friend's FiL has just moved into sheltered accommodation near his son and its made a huge difference -if they need to help / to see him it is just so much easier as it is 5 minutes away rather than an hour or two's drive- plus they know he has support and company- all of them are thriving after years of resentment

flumpybear · 15/05/2019 06:14

I'd be sorting a proper carer out for DM as it shouldn't be the neighbours responsibility!

No, would t say anything as it may all be nonsense, then cause a rift

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 15/05/2019 06:18

I would take absolutely no notice of what she said your DSiL apparently said. The fact she wants no one to know suggests that she made it up otherwise she'd be more likely to be asking if it's true.

She needs more support, however strained your relationship is with her it must be awful to have lost your partner, suffered a major health setback and to be housebound. No wonder she's lonely and isolated. Agree with PP she needs some sort of care package or to move into sheltered accommodation.

PrincessTiggerlily · 15/05/2019 06:23

I wouldn't say taking DM out once a week is a big ask of DB for his housebound DM. Perhaps you 3 can share this more and make it a whole day spent with her every 3weeks.
Can she afford someone to get her shopping, do the cleaning, garden. Then people are popping in regularly. But I think there should be at least 2vidits a week from DCs or at least one long visit every 3weeks.

MollyButton · 15/05/2019 06:38

I think you and your brothers need to discuss this. To be honest it sounds as if your mother needs at least sheltered housing - somewhere she can socialise and have her needs met. You also (as a group) need to make sure she is getting all the government/social care help she is entitled to.

It is too much for your brother and SIL. And even more so if your mother is an unpleasant manipulative person.

cptartapp · 15/05/2019 06:41

She needs to pay for help/care through benefit help or savings. Completely unfair on the neighbour. Think long term, how sustainable is this? Is moving or downsizing an option?

GoFiguire · 15/05/2019 06:59

How often do you actually see her?

Purplehammer · 15/05/2019 07:22

What would she do for you if circumstances were reversed.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 15/05/2019 07:34

You need to contact adult services at your Mums local social work department, your Mum is vulnerable, lonely and relying on the kindness of a neighbour for care. This is honestly ridiculous! This should not be allowed to continue! Your poor Mum! If she had carers then she may not be such a burden on your brother and SIL!

Your SIL may well be being unkind to your DM, I witnessed this kind of behaviour from MIL and FIL towards GMIL. GMIL didn’t want us to say anything as she was reliant on FIL and MIL and because FIL was her only child. So just because your DM isn’t keen on you mentioning this to your DB does not mean it’s not true! It’s not easy being a severely disabled and vulnerable adult, especially after years of independence! I know as I am severely disabled! It’s awful feeling like a burden whilst being reliant on others through no fault of your own!

I don’t hear sympathy, which is upsetting. I hope I’m wrong and you do have more empathy/ sympathy for your Mum.

Is there a reason why social services have not been contacted?

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/05/2019 07:42

I agree you all need to get together to organise some formal support. It could be that there is an issue and what she said is true, an indication that she needs more support than is in place and it not fair for this to be provided by one part of the family. Or, it could be that your mother is manipulating the situation to get you more involved or cause drama (I have no idea if this fits with her behaviour but it is possible). Either way the answer is a formal review of her needs and paid support in place despite any objections. Good luck.

Nc1548 · 15/05/2019 08:08

As a mother myself I found you post very sad.
Your mum has lost your DF and found herself disabled in a short period of time. She raised 3 children and all you manage to do, between the 3 of you, is see her one day a week and you call her being sad and lonely "drama"?
I would understand if there were big distances in between but 50 miles is not a lot. I talk to my fully able DM every day, for hours sometimes. I have my fully able MIL over every week for a couple of days. You are going to be old one day OP, think about the lessons you are teaching your DD.

Triglesoffy · 15/05/2019 09:30

That’s Avery judgemental post ^^

Not all of us have loving caring happy kind generous mothers and your lack of understanding outside of your unicorn bubble lacks as much sympathy as the OP’s behaviour which you are criticising.

Try being told “people will only like you if...... you would be successful if only you did..... I would love you but you look like your bastard father... “ all your life and then see what happens.

Nc1548 · 15/05/2019 09:34

@Triglesoffy, I'm sorry for your personal experiences, however there is nothing in the OP to indicate that's the case, unless I've missed something, and then I might have a different view. Difficult relationship with your parents during teenage years is hardly unusual.

Triglesoffy · 15/05/2019 09:38

I’m sure you don’t mean to be patronising and dismissive.

wheresmymojo · 15/05/2019 09:43

I think the answer to this really depends on what you mean by a 'difficult relationship'.

If she was emotionally abusive then the answers are quite different to the case if you simply didn't get on well or argued, etc.

If it's the latter then I think:

  • 50 miles and a crazy job aren't enough that it trumps your duty to be involved in caring for your vulnerable DM (also, what is your other brother's involvement? Is he pulling his weight?)
  • Feeling lonely and depressed after your DH has died and you've become suddenly disabled isn't 'drama' and you don't seem very empathetic
  • The fact that you're thinking of getting involved in this specific situation suggests you don't mind causing 'drama' yourself and you should just stay out of it
  • You/your siblings shouldn't be using the goodwill of a neighbour to get out of sorting out proper care of your own DM. I actually think this sounds neglectful.

These answers would be different if 'difficult relationship' = 'abusive'.

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