Drama with DM

[ClosedAuraOpenMind]

tbf there is often drama with my DM but not sure what to do this time so posting for some perspectives....

for context, my DF died suddenly but not unexpectedly in December 2016. DM was starting, vaguely, to think about her future when in July 2017 she almost died from a burst aneurysm.

that has left her severely disabled and housebound. I have 2 brothers, but we're all busy with our own lives, so a lot of the time she feels lonely and isolated. she has suffered depression in this period, though doesn't really admit it.

younger DB was working away from home when DM took ill but since he returned about eight months after the burst aneurysm he has been v good with her, and he and his wife usually take her out once a week.

I find getting over harder -I'm further away so it's a 100 mile round trip, I have DD who is eight, and a crazy job

My relationship with DM is also difficult, going back to my teens, but that's a whole other thing.

yesterday I spoke to DM who was upset, because she couldn't get a cable to charge her ipad. chatted briefly, but was trying to get DD her dinner so it was quick

she then phones my DH to tell him about the ipad charger, which he sorts, but then goes on to tell him about how DSIL saw her at the weekend, by herself, because DB was away, and was apparently being mean to her, telling her she's a burden, can't do anything for herself (and to be fair DM can't organise buying a charger cable herself) and there are floods of tears

she told my DH not to tell me this, which he clearly ignored but she was also adamant she didn't want my DB told because she wouldn't want to come between him and his wife, who is usually lovely .....

but I want to tell DB, partly because I think if DSIL has been a bit mean to her he should know, but more because I don't really believe my DM and I think he needs to call her out on it

DM has history for bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, and for over-egging any kind of drama, and generally playing the victim

so would I be a total cow to go behind her back and tell DB??

@Triglesoffy, not at all, it saddens me that anyone has to grow up in that sort of environment, I was just pointing out that this thread is about the OP's experience, not yours.

And I’m pointing out that this thread is about the OP’s experience and not yours.

@Triglesoffy, you are obviously upset and I don't want to contribute to it, nor do I want to hijack the thread. My opinion was based on what the OP posted, I'll leave it at that.

why are you and the family in general relying on the kindness of an unpaid neighbour? please call adult social services and get your dm the support and care she needs!

wow, OK. interesting responses
yes, my mother was emotionally abusive to me. i see her twice A month but that's about all I can manage, and I do that because DD loves her, and my mother does at least seem to try to be a better grandmother than she was mother....I also phone her/facetime with DD, who is her only grandchild and very much the apple of her eye

she isn't eligible for carers, we've looked, she had them for a while after some of her hospital admissions, but because she can shuffle about the house with a zimmer she's deemed to be fine

my DB and his wife don't care for her, but they live much closer by - 10 miles as opposed to 50 for me. neither of their jobs involve working weekends, and as mine does, and as I have a child, they will take her out on a saturday or sunday

incidentally my other DB, who stays just 5 miles away and is single with no commitments makes no real effort, other than occasional visits.

I agree it's not ideal relying on her very lovely neighbour, but prior to that I was shopping for my DM and she wouldn't give me any money for it . so at least she pays the nice neighbour at least I hope she does

but yes, prob best to keep out with her spat with DSIL

I'm sorry to hear your Mum was emotionally abusive, I can understand why you don't want to be more involved. However, you don't have to be eligible for carers,you just have to employ and pay them.

oh and for completeness she refuses to consider moving out of her home - I agree there would be far better places for her, and have said this to her, but as she does not want to there is nothing I can do about this

Ah, well that changes things completely!
Does your DM have an income/ source of money that would allow her to pay for a home help? My GMIL had a home help who would come in and help with cleaning the house, personal care and meal prep.

You don’t owe your abusive Mother anything, I would look up grey rock and use that technique with every interaction with your DM! I wouldn’t get involved with her disagreements with your SIL as if she is emotionally abusive then your DM may be trying to play you off your DB and DSIL!

I am afraid that in this life we reap what we sow, your DM was abusive, therefore you and your DB’s do not want much interaction with her. I would have a look at the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board.

Did no-one ever notice the emotional abuse? Did anyone ever say to DM that she should change the way she treated you?

If the emotional abuse was a lack of affection, she was probably the product of people involved in WWII. I don't know whether that generation was "stiff upper lip" or whether they were scared to love anyone because the war was killing people all the time and people died of what is now a minor illness.

If it was trying to instil in you that you have to do well at school, that generation knew the difficulty of not being able to buy food, there was a depression, then the war and for years after the war there were shortages of all sorts of thing we take for granted now.
If DM's shortcomings were due to circumstances I don't think it should be called abuse. We have no idea just what that generation went through on a daily basis. I am not that old but people are surprised when I talk about things we did not have when I was a child and that was not because of poverty. We seem to have had a comfortable family life, but if things were not invented yet we could not have them. We had no colour tv, we only had 2 tv channels, had no freezer but we did have a fridge, there was no internet or computers, no games consoles. We rarely had shop bought cakes or biscuits. We lived in a nice house in a nice area, my father had a good job he also had a car (very old style now). Heaven only knows how people coped if they also had financial restrictions.
Your DM has had a rough couple of years, probably the worst of her life, but on one sentence she lost all empathy here.

Okay Dokey

Bouquets it really wasn't like that at all.

it was the constant looking for attention when I was at school, only for it to go on my joy-riding DB, it was all the continual comments of you'd be pretty if only you wore mascara/a different lip colour/ whatever, it was the time she stood in the hallway and hurled shoes at me for whatever reason, it was the times she told me my father would kill himself because I was a little slut, it was the fact that she didn't talk to me about anything, ever, like not telling me about periods, let alone asking if I needed sanpro leading to me going to school with toilet paper stuffed down my knickers. it was her not expressing any sympathy when I dragged myself out to a family dinner 2 days after an ERPC for a MMC. it was all this and more.

now I realise a lot of people went through worse, and I do believe in her own weird way DM loves me, but it does mean I find it difficult to deal with her sometimes

Please talk to your db (not about the alleged telling of) and your sil, they deserve all the support you are able to give. They are trying to care when nobody else does, and from personal experience I know that it is more than hard.
Can your dm have groceries delivered, perhaps you can set up an account?

Hi ClosedAura
I am sorry that you felt so bad about your teenage years. It is a difficult time all round. I remember being a teenager and also having to cope with my own teenagers who seem to me to get away with a lot more than I ever did. (I wonder how others would see that)
I too always felt that my sibling was the favoured one but they said I was the favoured one. Do you know how your brother views your childhood?
The stuff about the sanpro, that was not good at all. I had sanpro in the house ready for my DD for a while before she started. I remember when periods were talked about when I was young. Everyone seemed to use a strange voice for discussion even when only women were present. Such a thing would never be discussed when a man was present.
You were lucky to be allowed make up. I was not allowed at all. I used to wear some to school and get a punishment and face scrub there and at home it was get that off your face before you get spots!
The throwing of shoes at anyone is out of order and the threat that your DF would kill himself was nasty.
Any loss such as your MMC should be treated with sympathy and a "sorry to hear about your loss" from everyone you come into contact with. I would find it hard to decide whether you should be expected to go to an event 2 days after the event or would it be seen as shutting you out not to invite you. I would leave it to you to decide whether to come or stay at home to recover.
I believe you have a DD aged 8. My DC are late teens and above. An 8 year old DD would be lovely in comparison. My lot are quite difficult to cope with. The latest is that I apparently dressed them in duff clothes. I dont know how I managed that buying clothes from main stores but maybe it was not the clothing the older ones would buy now.
I have been the "child" who cares for the elderly parents and it is hard to do it all on your own. It needs to be spread between all the DC.
Your DM may be acting difficult. She has been very ill in recent times and she faced that without the support of her husband of many years. Her husband (and your father I presume) is gone forever. His death was sudden but not unexpected as you said. We all do that wedding bit about till death do us part but I for one did not realise what that would mean when the time came. It was a huge shock. Likely your DM feels similar. Help your DB who is doing the lion's share just now, give the other brother a good shake up and tell him he has to take on something now to help not only DM but also DB. Do what you can to help your DM. Regret is one awful thing.
I dont think you should report was DSIL said, try to sort things out from the background.

Be kind one day we will all be old and it does not look like a lot of fun!

Sorry but I can't believe some of the apologists for neglect here! Because that is what it sounds like.

Your Mother isn't a relic from WWII!
My mother and aunt were born in the 30s and 20s, and brought up by an abyss I've neglectful mother - but also cared for their own children much better than yours seems to have done. It isn't an excuse.

And yes some people are neglected/abused as children and no one seems to notice or at least do anything.

Op I would suggest trying to get some counselling to look at your upbringing and see if you boundaries are properly in place now. I would worry that your mother could have an unhealthy relationship with your daughter that could back fire. Or she is using your daughter to control you.
You might want to try the Stately Homes thread.