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Original poster

he wants to pretend we arent together

50 replies

amIstupid22 · 13/05/2019 19:28

Have name changed for this as its potentially outing. I have been dating a man since February. We met because our DDs have attended a club together since they were small (now both 9). I know his ex from this club but only to chat to/make small talk as we wait for DDs.

Me and the dad met by chance in a bar and got talking and it got flirty and he contacted me on social media, it's not ideal but I really like him and he says the same. He wanted to keep things quiet when we first dated so as not to make things awkward for us all (e.g. him/his ex, me/my ex who do various collections from the club) and this was fine but he seems reluctant to move things forward now. His ex found out through someone else a couple of weeks ago and wasn't happy about it apparently.

I haven't announced us as a couple of anything official but have told a few friends we are seeing each other. He has now said he would like to keep things quiet and has told his ex things are over, but says to me we can carry on seeing each other but just wait until things blow over to go official. Am I stupid to wait or could this be legit?

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 13/05/2019 19:29

This isn't right.

EllenRachel · 13/05/2019 19:31

I wouldn't be happy with this. It isn't going to blow over when she finds out he's lied to her!

MikeUniformMike · 13/05/2019 19:32

I can understand why he might want to not rock the boat with the mother of his children. It is early in the relationship when there are children involved.

Pipandmum · 13/05/2019 19:33

Tell him you are a couple and if his ex is really his ex he should have no problem with you being public about it. To keep it secret would make me think he’s keeping other secrets too.

HappyLife21 · 13/05/2019 19:34

Wtf? Is he ashamed of you or something?

OhMyDarling · 13/05/2019 19:35

So will you never go out in public together? That isn’t a relationship if not.
I would probably agree to keep it quiet but explain that I will not be a dirty secret and if anyone asks directly I wouldn’t lie.
If that was an issue, I’d move on.

MaximusHeadroom · 13/05/2019 19:35

There is a difference between keeping things quiet and saying it is over to his ex when she has found out you are seeing each other.

He is either taking the piss, putting her feelings before yours or behaving like a coward.

None would appeal to me TBH

O totally understand things can be complicated with children but lying to his ex is setting you and her up.

Original poster
amIstupid22 · 13/05/2019 19:37

I know they are definitely separated as they share custody so have split pick ups for a while. I'm obviously not sure what hes told her of our relationship.

I've said I totally understand why his ex would initially be uncomfortable but if he explained that we have no plans for the DDs to know about it for a long time (until we are fairly sure its serious) and that for now we are just dating then surely she would just get over it.

OP posts:
Dljlr · 13/05/2019 19:38

Big fat red flag. My current partner tried this (we work together and his ex is another colleague) and I told him the only way we could say nothing was happening was if nothing was happening, so I'd end it. He chose to keep seeing me and not try to hide it anymore. What would your partner say if you gave him that ultimatum?

DBML · 13/05/2019 19:38

Unless of course he’s working on his relationship with his ‘ex’ and you’re a bit on fun on the side. Sounds like he isn’t interested in progressing this relationship op. It sounds like he’s planning for an easy exit when the time comes.
Sorry.

ThatCurlyGirl · 13/05/2019 19:39

The only time I've asked to do this is when I was unsure of my own feelings and wanted to preemptively do damage limitation by not telling people in case we then didn't work out.

I think I didn't want to have to deal with mentioning a break up if it didn't last long anyway.

Looking back it was immature of me and probably a bit stupid of me to think people gave a shit!

If it makes you uncomfortable and you aren't moving at the same pace then I think nip it in the bud and walk away?

CarolsBiggestFan · 13/05/2019 19:39

He has now said he would like to keep things quiet and has told his ex things are over, but says to me we can carry on seeing each other but just wait until things blow over to go official.

To me this sounds like another way of saying “I’m happy to come over for a shag, but you can forget going out or being seen in public together”.

AllFourOfThem · 13/05/2019 19:40

Maybe his ex is fully aware of another partner he has and that’s why he doesn’t want you to say anything?

OldAndWornOut · 13/05/2019 19:42

How long have he and his ex been apart?

Original poster
amIstupid22 · 13/05/2019 19:42

Not sure about the going out. Initially we went on dates, like dinner, drinks but it kind of merged more into evenings in at one of our homes on the nights we dont have the girls. I thought that was more progressing into a relationship than dating but I do wonder if it's more to do with less chance of being seen.

OP posts:
missyfafa · 13/05/2019 19:43

No! Red flags all over the place.

RLEOM · 13/05/2019 19:44

Cheek of it!
Huge red flag.
You know what you've got to do, OP.

Sally2791 · 13/05/2019 19:46

Red flags all over the it. He's keeping options opened, possibly not just with the ex

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/05/2019 19:48

He has more red flags about him than a communist party committee meeting.

Raise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward OP. You can do better than this man.

Hidingtonothing · 13/05/2019 19:49

Whether it's 'legit' or not what he is offering is a half-relationship and I think you probably deserve a bit more than that, don't you? Flowers

Honeyroar · 13/05/2019 19:56

I'm 50-50. It's still a very new relationship and many exes can use their children and access as a weapon if they're unhappy their ex is in a new relationship. He does sound scared of his ex, and she didn't sound like she reached well. It's probably best to put the whole thing on hold until he feels able to be open.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2019 20:01

How long has he been split up from his ex?

Original poster
amIstupid22 · 13/05/2019 20:06

Yes I do think I deserve more. The question is more whether theres a chance he's truthful and if this is a blip or the start of the end. I do really like him and he has mentioned things in regards to the future so I thought he felt the same.

As a Pp said though I dont see how his ex will ever deal with it well if say in a few months we do go official and she knows he lied. I can understand why she would be at first uncomfortable as she already knows me and the girls already know each other but I think if he assured her that we would still take things slow, wouldnt tell the children etc. then she would be more comfortable maybe.

OP posts:
JuniFora · 13/05/2019 20:06

It sounds uncomfortably close. Nobody wants to see their exes new piece when they're going to pick up their kid. He knows that.

Wasafatmum42 · 13/05/2019 20:16

sounds like he`s making a few promises to you and his so called ex , im sure it all started with good intentions but secrets are never a good start to a long lasting relationship

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