he wants to pretend we arent together

[amIstupid22]

Have name changed for this as its potentially outing. I have been dating a man since February. We met because our DDs have attended a club together since they were small (now both 9). I know his ex from this club but only to chat to/make small talk as we wait for DDs.

Me and the dad met by chance in a bar and got talking and it got flirty and he contacted me on social media, it's not ideal but I really like him and he says the same. He wanted to keep things quiet when we first dated so as not to make things awkward for us all (e.g. him/his ex, me/my ex who do various collections from the club) and this was fine but he seems reluctant to move things forward now. His ex found out through someone else a couple of weeks ago and wasn't happy about it apparently.

I haven't announced us as a couple of anything official but have told a few friends we are seeing each other. He has now said he would like to keep things quiet and has told his ex things are over, but says to me we can carry on seeing each other but just wait until things blow over to go official. Am I stupid to wait or could this be legit?

How long were they split before you and he got together?

Fuck no.

I think much depends on when it ended and who ended it.

But ultimately I agree, lying is a bad idea. He should explain to her it's casual. You're taking it slowly and the kids are not involved.

I'd be worried about the house thing though as that makes it sound like it's a booty call only and coupled with the idea of wishing to lie about it, would re enforce it just sex for him. As I assume that's why it's at your homes?

Can put his dick in you but can't be seen in public with you - no.

I would get rid.
People are aware that I am seeing someone. The only people I have asked it to be kept from is my dc's.
We still go out together, even when I was in a long term thing we went out together. It's what couples do regardless of being together for 3 or 30 years.

Op, tell him to give you a call when he's ready to be honest with his ex and reassure her, but you can't be his dirty little secret. You've too much self respect.

Don't go down this route and let him turn you into what he's turning you into.

If you don't stand up to this now, all you're ever going to be is a cheap date to him. I'm sorry.

Don't fall for this bullshit

They have been split 18 months - he said before then there was a period he couldnt move out but they were over. Apparently it was mutual but I know I'm only hearing his side of the story.

The being round each others homes seemed at the time nicer as he would cook me dinner, more cosy etc. but yes I can see that this probably just goes into his keeping it secret thing as he must be scared we will bump into someone we know. It is always a planned evening though rather than a late booty call type thing.

I know this is bound to be weird for everyone and I said that initially in the first messages but things have grown and I really thought it was worth the risk if everyone would eventually get used to it.

I think after eighteen months split he should be able to reassure her. Lying you're not together and only seeing you in either of your homes. It's a cheap and lazy way to get laid.

In the early days you should be out together having fun, dating, restaurants, cinema, art galleries, walks, museums, whatever, not solely seeing each other in your homes when the kids aren't there to witness it.

As said, tell him to call you when he's ready to give you thr respect you deserve, don't let him do this to you.

Hmm I don't know, I've been in this position but on the other side. A lot of my friends and family have big mouths and wouldn't think twice of asking me about who I'm seeing in front of my dc, so I have kept relationships secret until I'm absolutely sure about them (or never told at all).

I'm also not sure you have to be out and about all the time together - I usually spend the first few months with a new person in bed! Once I'm comfortable that's when I want to start doing things together, not the other way around. Surely all relationships are different? There's no "should" about it.

Don't be his dirty little secret OP, you deserve way better and you know it

It sounds like although it started with good intentions, it’s sliding into something that will not be good for you.

Basically, you deserve more than being the dirty little secret he lies about, and keeps isolated from his ‘real life’.

It’s ok to want to stay in, snuggled up and loved up, but it becomes rather different when you’re staying in because he doesn’t want to be seen with you by anyone in public. It all feels a bit disrespectful and leaves me thinking what exactly is the issue with you?! Why isn’t he a bit, well, proud of the person he’s dating, shouldn’t he be a bit happy to be seen with the person he’s getting together with?

I wouldn't want to be part of a lie and in this situation what would you do if she, or anyone else, especially associated with your club, asked if you were in a couple with him?

Secrets and lies don't stay buried forever OP.

This is utter bullshit.

He’s really disrespecting you OP. If you agree to this you’re allowing him to diminish you.

He lied to her & said you’d broken up? WTAF?!

They separated 18+ months ago. Who he dates is none of her business (unless she has serious concerns about her kids welfare). What’s his pathetic excuse for wanting his ex wife’s permission to see someone?

He denied you.

You don't really need to think much beyond this OP. It's a non starter.

I was meant to go round his tonight so will go and talk to him then. He said that him and ex were amicable before and that he doesn't want to ruin it when our relationship is so early but I dont want to be the mug that waits around for him as I think although it would be tough at first for ex I'm sure in times things would get that way again. I would be happy to keep things quiet in the sense of keeping things casual, but no I dont want to lie so if a friend asked what I did at the weekend for example I would say I spent it with him. Since finding out his ex has avoided me at the group so I dont think she would ask me.

Fair enough about wanting to keep it quiet but his ex finding out and him telling her it's over between the two of you isn't 'keeping things quiet' it's a lie. It's none of his ex's business who he's dating but the fact that he'd lie to cover it up rather than telling her it's none of her business is concerning.

Hmmm...just how ‘amicable’?!

He’s lied to her.
He’s lied about you.
He lies for an easy life.
He’s so wet he won’t tell his EX he’s seeing you.
He’d rather upset you than her.
He’s told you that you’re a dirty secret - he should be happy for anyone to know you’re a couple. He’s been single 18 months (plus) there shouldn’t need to be any hiding of a relationship. His ex is going to have to deal with it at sometime and you were only on small chat terms, it’s not like you were a good friend of hers.

He’s shown you what type of person he is.

I would dump him because that’s not the kind of man I would want to be in a relationship with.

Massive red flags. He's either not over his ex or keeping you on the side for convenience. Not good either way. I'd end it. You deserve more.

and has told his ex things are over, but says to me we can carry on seeing each other
Not a chance is this OK.
I'd tell him that is over until he can man up and move on with you and not have you as a dirty secret.
Red flags here OP.
You know this.
Time to back away.

So he gets a shag without even having to buy you a pint.. do not waste your time, he's using you.

OP, your posts don’t sound like he actually considers or acts like you are ‘together’.

This isn't one of the most common threads to occur on mn but it does come up with some type of regularity.

In all likelihood he's stringing the "ex" along, some relationships are "off and on" and don't have clear end points.

I commented on a recent similar one and it did indeed transpire that the guy had told the ex he was thinking of going back to her, was still sleeping with her while "starting" a relationship with the op.

Either he's available in which case there's no issue with who you tell, or he's not in which case you don't bother with him.

There's no ifs buts or maybes!

"If a relationship is a secret you shouldn't be in it"

After dating two guys in the last two years who both inevitably wanted to end up keeping me secret with a million excuses, I have had to walk. There is nothing worse on your confidence and self esteem than being with someone who isn't proud to show you off.

Trust me when i say there are plenty of men out there who would be so proud to show they are with you. Don't stay with someone who for whatever lame reasons isn't.