I'm always the one that's excluded, am I a horrible person?

[ontheoutside]

Am a regular but have namechanged as feel pretty pathetic.

All my adult life I have struggled to make friends, at school I had lots of friends and I am still in touch with some of them in fact although we don?t see each other any more as I?ve moved away. But I?ve never really seemed to make any new friends since. I have a few aquaintences that I know through dd?s preschool, people who I would have considered friends, but it?s always me who?s done the calling/the inviting round for lunch/coffee and invites have never been reciprocated. I?d always put it down to the fact that people obviously have their own lives and that they just maybe don?t have the time, but now I?m not so sure.

A couple of months ago I overheard one of them talking to another and saying that she would see her later. I just figured they were meeting up for a coffee or something and then someone let slip that the whole group were meeting up at a soft play place and it seemed I hadn?t been invited. I never said anything, as they obviously wanted to meet up but I did feel a bit excluded. Then it transpired that this was actually a weekly occurrence, that they all meet up after preschool on a Friday and go out. This carried on for a couple of months and then they seemed to have other things to do and it didn?t happen any more.

Then today we were all in the park, and one of them said that she hoped the weather would be good as they?re going on a picnic on Friday. I just said ?oh are you?? and then said I thought it was going to rain. She ignored me and started talking to one of the others about what they could do if it was raining, and they then decided they would all go to the local soft play instead.

Obviously I understand that people have their own lives, their own friends, and that I?m not always going to be a part of that, but I just feel as if it?s always me that?s excluded. Before I gave up work something similar happened, all my team arranged a night out and didn?t tell me and I didn?t hear about it until the Monday after.

I just don?t know how to be a part of things. Is it possible just to be invisible? I do come across as a confident person but I don?t think I?m that noticeable if that makes sense? Even on here I am a very regular poster and yet I don?t think that people notice me.

I just don?t know any more.

DixiePixie - we are not a group as such. Two or three mums who sometimes go to the pub for lunch and haven't invited her along. She has been once or twice but it was a bit awkward.

She doesn't need to change anything. It is all to do with my confidence I suppose. I feel like a bloke dressed in drag beside her. She is petitie, gorgeous figure, hair always immaculate. She is a bit of a perfectionist.

I have 1 dd and 2 dss. The dss are always boisterous and doing silly things. She has mentioned in the past about other people's children who "misebehave". She has very high expectations on how children should behave and achieve in school. Having 3 dds she does not understand boys don't sit quietly and colour in so to speak.

I am friendly in that I invite her around for a coffee and I babysit for her dc/her my children, but if I go out and want to really relax and be myself I don't invite her along.

This thread has made me think that if she were to find out we have gone out without her she would be quite upset. I have to get over myself and my issues and just invite her along.

I've got a friend like that - very much a perfectionist in what she does, always looks good, very organised etc - her DD is always immaculate and in the beginning, I was very intimidated but now I've got to know her, I know she is such a sweetheart and she is a perfectionist with high standards because she doesn't know any other way to be - its just her...I think if you can look past that, you would find someone who probably sturggles with being a mum too, but just doesn't show it right away

Only just seen your reply mymama. Thanks for clarifying. I do understand what you're saying. I reckon most of us probably go around lacking in confidence - I know I do - I tend to judge myself quite harshly, and because of that assume that other people are judging me too, so I can see why you might feel intimidated by someone who seems 'perfect'. Obviously I don't know this mum, but I think it's very likely that even people who seem perfect on the surface have their own insecurities, and unless they are coming across as judgemental and smug, they are probably not comparing themselves favourably to other people at all.

One thing I'm getting on this thread is that some people feel quite ashamed of admitting that they are insecure or don't fit in - whereas in fact there is nothing to be ashamed of - I bet more people than we realise are walking around with masks on.