I'm always the one that's excluded, am I a horrible person?

[ontheoutside]

Am a regular but have namechanged as feel pretty pathetic.

All my adult life I have struggled to make friends, at school I had lots of friends and I am still in touch with some of them in fact although we don?t see each other any more as I?ve moved away. But I?ve never really seemed to make any new friends since. I have a few aquaintences that I know through dd?s preschool, people who I would have considered friends, but it?s always me who?s done the calling/the inviting round for lunch/coffee and invites have never been reciprocated. I?d always put it down to the fact that people obviously have their own lives and that they just maybe don?t have the time, but now I?m not so sure.

A couple of months ago I overheard one of them talking to another and saying that she would see her later. I just figured they were meeting up for a coffee or something and then someone let slip that the whole group were meeting up at a soft play place and it seemed I hadn?t been invited. I never said anything, as they obviously wanted to meet up but I did feel a bit excluded. Then it transpired that this was actually a weekly occurrence, that they all meet up after preschool on a Friday and go out. This carried on for a couple of months and then they seemed to have other things to do and it didn?t happen any more.

Then today we were all in the park, and one of them said that she hoped the weather would be good as they?re going on a picnic on Friday. I just said ?oh are you?? and then said I thought it was going to rain. She ignored me and started talking to one of the others about what they could do if it was raining, and they then decided they would all go to the local soft play instead.

Obviously I understand that people have their own lives, their own friends, and that I?m not always going to be a part of that, but I just feel as if it?s always me that?s excluded. Before I gave up work something similar happened, all my team arranged a night out and didn?t tell me and I didn?t hear about it until the Monday after.

I just don?t know how to be a part of things. Is it possible just to be invisible? I do come across as a confident person but I don?t think I?m that noticeable if that makes sense? Even on here I am a very regular poster and yet I don?t think that people notice me.

I just don?t know any more.

Today I've come home from work early and had a good cry because something happened to make me feel lonely, isolated and a complete social failure. It helped to know that there are other people who feel the same sometimes.

I'm mostly resigned to it in my life now - i count my many blessings and try to forget that relationships outside my immediate family are not my forte. I used to get down about it regularly, and occassionaly try harder to make friends, but have tried to accept that it's not what I'm good at and be content with my lot. My best friend is dh, and i have one other close friend, but otherwise I'm also invisible. My only worry is for my ds's - they are both quite shy and I don't want them to turn out (socially or anti-socially) like me.

My parents are very sociable - but virtual alcoholics - and i sometimes think that's what has has put me (and my brother) off. We used to get dragged round pubs. But i can't use that as an excuse it's 15 years since i lived with my parents!

I realise I'll have to change my MN name now that i've "come out" as a social failure! It's funny how it's not socially acceptable to admit you've got no friends!

I hope it helps to know that it's not just you that feels this way.

Hey ballbaby, sod "socially acceptable". Personally I've decided just to say from now on "I am a social failure and proud!" .

Sorry you've had a bad day and been made to feel like that. I reckon there are probably loads of us going around putting on a front to the world and feeling insecure inside. It's quite liberating to let it all out here!

Oh, and Bananaknickers - you didn't kill the thread after all (anyway, killing threads is MY job!!!)

DP - You're right damn it - I am a social failure and proud - I'm feeling an urge to get up on the roof and shout it out - sod 'em all

Hurrah! I reckon this could be the start of a new underground movement!

So nice to see am not the only one feeling like this though

I could also have written this thread!

However, I'm somewhat concerned that so many of us on here are in the same situation yet we have great 'virtual friends' on MN.

Are we loosing our social skills? Are we becoming computer geeks? Just you wait, The Priory will start advertising rehab for people addicted to MN soon!!

I've met mnetters in real life but I'm always worried about texting or making further contact outside of the mnet realm in case it comes across as too full on and puts people off!!

ontheoutside it might not be you, it might be them.

There is a lovely mum at school that I am kind of friendly with but don't really socialise with. She has invited me numerous times but I mostly turn her down. Reason? She is stunningly beautiful, 3 lovely dds who are ALWAYS well behaved, gorgeous dh, mansion of a home and quite well off. I feel absolutely intimidated by her and I am self conscious around her. So do some of the other mums and we have gone out for a lunch a few times and not invited her along . She has mentioned in the past that she finds it hard to make friends.

this is me too.
One group actively discuss nights out they have been on and are planning, right in front of me. They are very much a clique. I think these sorts of people are a bit insensitive, but doesn't that mean they are as socially inept as us? I don't know.

Lots of people I used to know don't know I exist since I had babies.also, had hyperemesis so became social outcast and lost my job. Only then did I realise how much of my self-esteem was bound up in my work. It's going to be a hard time pulling myself back up. I totally sympathise.

oops sorry cross post there! I'm not the too gorgeous lady, I'm just not popular.

see I can't even do this message board thing

ooooh ontheoutside, that's pretty nasty.

The way these women is treating you is unforgiveably rude. To be mentioning plans they have made together that exclude you when you are there and not even asking you then to join them. What complete and utter bitches.

That kind of purposeful exclusion of one member of a group is a form of bullying. You may remember a similar dynamic when you were a kid and someone was always being left out? This is just the adult version of that, and no less upsetting and demoralising for the fact that you are grown up.

Lots of adults find it difficult to make friends, because the opportunities are fewer - you spend a lot of time at work, so unless you work with people of your own age and interests (not all that likely) you are not likely to meet people. Sometimes you will have a hobby that involves a good social group, but that is similarly rare. So don't feel like you are in any way unusual to be lonely for friends as an adult.

That was the impossible dream of Sex and the City that women wished for - not a glamorous New York single life, but a close group of female friends. Not many women have that in their adult life, even though most would like to.

Maybe you are a quiet person, or someone who is kind of in the background and not grabbing the centre stage. But, you know what? people love that person. But because you are feeling so demoralised by the way these women are excluding you, you are seeing yourself as lesser, as not good enough. That's what bullying does to you, it makes you think you are no good.

Please stop spending any time with these women. Not for some stupid game to make yourself seem more valuable for being unavailable, but because they are an awful, poisonous group and are no good for you.

Then ring up one of your old friends and have a good chat and remember that people love you and enjoy being with you, and plan to visit them or invite them to visit you.

And then, when you aren't feeling so down about yourself start thinking of new places to make real, nice genuine friends. It is possible. Just not with horrible bitches.

I agree. People like that just aren't worth being friends with. The longer you continue trying to fit in with them, the worse you'll feel.

Are there any other mums at you daughter's preschool who aren't part of the clique? It might be worth getting to know them.

There's a small bitch clique at my daughter's preschool too. I mostly just ignore them. People like that are just not worth bothering with.

My goodness, there are so many unpleasant people in the world!

Theres a Mum at school who is like this - she'll start talking loudly about some do she and someone else just went to, or are going to.

I felt excluded too at first, then I noticed that she seemed to move from one couple to another, then drop them for someone else. Anyone new turned up, she'd be all over them, best friends, then a few months later be bitching about them.

if anyone separated from their partners, she will bust a gut to tell anyone - including me!

(Which is why I havent mentioned my ongoing split - I dont want to be the topic of hushed whispers!)

I just find it a bit sad to be honest, and there's always someone else to talk to that seems to have more integrity.

I bet theres loads of us, waiting at the school gates, or sitting in the corner at playgroup, thinking everyone else is having a whale of a time, but lacking the confidence to find out!

Should add that I would never discuss plans in front of the gorgeous mum, that is plain rude.

I agree that you need to spend time away from this group, it is demoralising and poisonous.

Out of interest, do they come along to anything you invite them to?

Not having a go mymama, cos I think it's brave of you to 'fess up to being part of a group that sometimes excludes someone on a thread like this. Also, I don't get the feeling from you that you are being malicious at all or would want to hurt this woman - I'm just genuinely interested as someone who finds it hard to fit into groups (though I doubt that my 'gorgeousness' is the reason ):

Is there anything that she could do that would get her accepted in the group - does her behaviour make you and other mums feel intimidated, or is it just something indefinable that she wouldn't be able to change?

Has anything that has been said in this thread made you feel differently about the way your group views her?

I could have written the OP

At baby massage class one of the mums invited people back to hers after the class. She didn't ask me, and I realised when I got home that the only people she'd not asked were the 2 mums with boys and me. All the other mums with girls were invited. I've met up with one of the mums since and all of them have been going to various baby groups together ever since.

This is the story of my life sadly.

i too have had experiences like this. im an army wife and most of the other wives around here are very cliquey and you also get the ones who move from person to prson just to find out gossip then drop them when their lives arent interesting enough. after having my fingers burnt and knowing what most of these people are like i know choose to keep myself to myself abit more and dont give too much away. After being abandoned by so called friends when i had PND and being left to deal with it all on my own away from family i decided to have a sod them i dont need them attitude. i am now pg with no.2 and i didnt go telling everyone coz i just thought why should i, theyre not bothered. some people know and havent even said anything (im now showing).

i also help at a support group and have made some friends there but after my past experiences i have taken it slowly before getting too close to anyone. we have just arranged a night out and i hope this could be the start of some nice freindships.

sorry for the waffle but im basically saying youre not alone and sometimes youve just got t say sod em

Ontheoutside is any of this making you feel better? I'm glad you started this thread because it's made me feel better knowing I'm not the only one. Or it might be the glass of red wine and big slice of cake i've just had

That's awful that you felt abandoned when you had PND. I hope that your new friends turn out to be more loyal.

I had bad PND - it really does sort out the wheat from the chaff with regards to friends. Ended up spending about 6months at my mums house with DH travelling down every weekend (bless him) to see us - family is the best imo - they don't let you down!

Do you arrange big social meet ups and invite lots of people along?

Why not initiate instead of waiting to be asked to go?

You are not alone! xxx

I tell you what's wierd about being an outsider - everyone else seems to have lots of time and money to go out and party/go to concerts/have nice houses/watch various telly/read books/raise perfect kids/enhance skills/text/email/have sex etc, and discuss and remember all of the above in social situations. i don't have enough energy with my two ds's to do any - tbh i didn't have the energy before ds's. Perhaps that's the problem.