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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh throwing tantrums

38 replies

Merah314 · 13/05/2019 10:36

My husband has always had a slight anger issue, once every few months or so something would come up and completely upset him to the point of him yelling and throwing things. To which I would calmly try to talk him down (to no avail) then walk away from.

But recently, this has escalated to almost daily. The smallest of things set him off. It doesn't matter where we are or who's with us, if something upsets him, everyone gets to know about it. I've tried to talk with him about it to come up with a gameplan (since I will not tolerate his blowups anymore) and he tells me he knows he's doing it, and feels bad about it. But does nothing to change.
It's getting to where he's yelling at the kids (aged 1 and 4), slamming doors, throwing things etc. and I will not allow this. (I want to point out he has never hurt us physically). He rarely apologizes saying (well upset me, is not my fault I'm mad about it).

I'm tired of having to constantly have these "learning lessons" with the kids (such as "daddy is very upset right now, but he isn't acting properly is he? He shouldn't be doing . Instead he should be doing _.").

Help...
Any ideas as to what I'm suppose to do?

Ps: other than this, he is a very loving father and husband. Yes we've tried counseling, he said he didn't feel it was helping, cause he didn't like talking to a person he doesn't know.

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 13/05/2019 10:41

This is a serious problem, alarm bells tell you this is not right. He needs to understand that when he is angry he cannot think logically. He also needs to understand that shouting is a form of abuse and the children should not be exposed to it. It is not their fault. There is no explaining, it is not all right. He is passing the responsibility for his behaviour. It is his fault. Where will this end? He cannot or will not control his anger

pallasathena · 13/05/2019 10:50

He needs to be accountable for his behaviour. If he behaved this way with his employer he'd be fired wouldn't he? He's using the trope of blame, deny, deflect to underpin his entitlement issues...that is, he feels totally justified, entitled, allowed (culturally, emotionally) to express his anger this way.
Be assertive. Be uncompromising in your expectations.
Lay down rigid boundaries that are total deal breakers if breached.
If you don't, your children will grow up accepting that this is how people behave. It will become their 'normal', and yet another generation will live lives of fear, sadness and abuse.

negomi90 · 13/05/2019 10:50

Leave. He may change if you leave he may not.
He won't change if you stay.
How will you deal with your children when they have tantrums because daddy does? You won't be able to stop them with that example in the house.
If you don't leave you will have 10, 15, 20,30 year old children having tantrums.

Original poster
Merah314 · 13/05/2019 10:58

That's what I'm afraid of, the kids growing up in an environment where these fits are "normal" and thinking they can get away with it too.

I just didn't know if there was something left to try t so that maybe things will be better.

Yes boundries. I definetly need to get on that. I feel like right now all I'm trying to do is damage control...

I've tried to use the "if the kids acted like this they would get in trouble wouldn't they?" But nothingi say seems to make a difference... at least not while a tantrum is happening.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 13/05/2019 11:01

You need to give him an ultimatum. He either gets professional help or he leaves. These kinds of tantrums (and they are tantrums - I bet he manages to control his temper just fine when he’s around other people) are a form of abuse themselves.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/05/2019 11:16

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you see similar?.

You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE?.

Your children are already growing up in an angry and hostile environment where conflict from their father towards you as their mother is happening. They are being harmed by seeing all this play out in front of them, this is being internalised by them. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what are you two teaching your kids here?.

This is deliberate on his part. What is happening here is that he is using his anger here to abuse you and in turn your children (who even if not in the same room are picking up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken). Its not your fault that he has decided to conduct his own private based war against you.

He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. When he decides that shouting and or otherwise slamming doors no longer works for him then he could well decide to hit you. What he is doing works for him; he has you all subdued, cowered and walking on eggshells around him. His actions are all about power and control; that is what is at the heart of abuse. He does not behave like this at work or in the outside world does he, it is towards you mainly and in turn his children that his anger is meted out. Such men hate women, all of them.

Not at all surprised that counselling was not successful; he really does think he is doing nothing wrong here and feels entitled to act like this. If counselling is to be further considered go on your own; you need to talk in a calm and safe environment.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are worth contacting here and they can and will help you leave if this is what you choose to do. I would choose leaving him going forward, this is no life for your kids to be seeing and its not good enough for you either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/05/2019 11:21

He does not want your help or support and he has already said that counselling was not helping him (many abusive men say that).

If you issue him with an ultimatum you have to be fully prepared to go through with it otherwise it is no point in issuing one (he will know that you are not serious). Such things too can only be issued one time.

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay · 13/05/2019 11:29

Your children will grow up treading on eggshells for fear of upsetting Daddy. That’s not ok.

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 11:31

You need to protect your children from this man. Do you want your boys to grow up thinking this is how men behave, or your daughters accepting the same in their relationships?

NannyRed · 13/05/2019 11:34

He sounds deranged!

An adult should have control of their temper and should certainly not be blaming everyone else for ‘upsetting him’

He needs anger management and the promise that you will leave if he doesn’t fucking grow up!
Your children will learn that being angry and throwing things is their normal, do you really want your children growing up believing that!

Your husband is an arse, he needs to take responsibility for his actions and stop blaming others.

TixieLix · 13/05/2019 11:37

It may not be his fault that something made him mad, but it's absolutely his fault that he's acting in such an inappropriate way. How does he behave at work if something annoys him? I'm sure he wouldn't get away with having a tantrum there.

If this is happening almost daily, then it will be seriously affecting the children and their perceptions of what acceptable behaviour is. Do you want that for them? Your DH needs to be told that he either seeks immediate help for his anger issues, or he will no longer be part of the family. Don't let him bluff or delay. He needs to sort this now.

CharityConundrum · 13/05/2019 11:43

So it's getting worse, not better? You're quick to say that he's never hurt anyone, but until recently this was only happening once every few months, and you probably wouldn't have predicted that it would escalate this way, so what's stopping him from throwing something that hits someone? You. You are the only one who can protect your kids, so if he isn't interested in changing or seeking help, then you have to be the one to take action. It's not really a choice, just a question of whether you do it before someone gets hurt or after, with all the guilt that will bring.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/05/2019 11:44

If he has already said no more to counselling he will not readily go on any AM course. Also AM courses are no answer to domestic abuse.

I would argue that he does not infact have an anger management problem because it seems that only the OP and her children in turn cop all this from him. He does not seemingly behave like this to others at work nor his neighbours or friends. Such people can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

He will not change OP; you can only change how you react to him.

Ooogetyooo · 13/05/2019 11:49

Leave
Your children will grow up anxious and treading on eggshells around him . Is that what you want ?

Shoxfordian · 13/05/2019 11:53

Your children will grow up behaving the same way. What would you say to your daughter if her husband acted like this?

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 13/05/2019 11:57

I think you should kick him out.

You keep saying you won't tolerate his behaviour but you are because he's still there and things are getting worse.

You are also taking responsibility for the problem by trying to solve it for him. You can't change anything here except your reaction. You can't make him go to counselling or the GP.
HE has to agree it's a problem. HE has to proactively try to improve and HE needs to stop blaming whoever has annoyed him - and he doesn't seem to be doing any of that.

He is a grown man who cannot control his temper - do you think this is going to improve as your children get older, have more opinions / challenge him / copy him? Of course not.

Now is when you take a stand. Kick him out, explain why then sit back and watch.
Don't offer the option of coming back if he does X and Y because he'll do it just enough to get back in the door. And don't tell him to get counselling etc because he needs to figure this out for himself.

SimplySteveRedux · 13/05/2019 12:07

This is worrying things are escalating, it's not such a big step from where he is to physically lashing out.

Is there any chance he's taking drugs?

allwrite · 13/05/2019 16:42

I was raised with a father who flew into rages which sometimes became physical.

I am in my late sixties, and although I no longer suffer with depression, I still have to battle against anxiety.

I am convinced the anxiety became hard-wired into my brain as a result of a childhood dreading when he was going to explode next.

Someone else was always to blame for his anger.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 13/05/2019 16:48

Kids do as they see, not as they are told.

A dear friend of mine is married to an angry man. Charming and nice, but bouts of real anger, over small stuff, he just gets wound up.

She is very gentle herself, and always explained to her son that daddy does not mean it, that a better solution would have been ...x... or...y...

She now has a very angry teenage son, who behaves just like his dad (but it is worse as father and son wind eachother up), and she can't make everything ok anymore.

So sad.so predictable too Sad

Jeezoh · 13/05/2019 16:50

If he can moderate his reaction to frustrations at work and out in the general world, then he should be able (and want) to react the same way with you. He’s abusive and you can’t let your children think that it’s your job to manage his temper, or even worse make excuses for it. You’ve got to protect them, and protect yourself. A loving father and husband wouldn’t act this way.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2019 16:52

Your children will grow up in terror and/or become exactly like him. If you refuse to leave for you, at least do the right thing for your children. They will resent you forever for allowing them to live like this.

PickAChew · 13/05/2019 20:08

He needs to leave, as he is clearly incapable of acting like a rational, non-abusive adult around you and his children.

You can't make him behave better. Only he can but he clearly doesn't want to because he keeps doing it again and again.

RomanyQueen1 · 13/05/2019 20:14

he needs to self refer for counselling, this is abusive behaviour. he can change but he really has to want to, and he isn't going to do that whilst he knows you will put up with it.
Not a god father for the kids, terrible role model who will harm them if he doesn't seek help.
You need to protect your children, they should come first, not your dh

Boysey45 · 13/05/2019 20:31

I'd say he needs to go to the G.P to discuss his mental health issues.It sounds like he might have depression. I'd say he either sorts himself out or your finished with him, you cant live treading on eggshells round him. Also its only a small step before he ends up either battering you or one of the kids.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2019 20:34

"I will not tolerate /this"

But that is exactly what you are doing

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