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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh throwing tantrums

38 replies

Merah314 · 13/05/2019 10:36

My husband has always had a slight anger issue, once every few months or so something would come up and completely upset him to the point of him yelling and throwing things. To which I would calmly try to talk him down (to no avail) then walk away from.

But recently, this has escalated to almost daily. The smallest of things set him off. It doesn't matter where we are or who's with us, if something upsets him, everyone gets to know about it. I've tried to talk with him about it to come up with a gameplan (since I will not tolerate his blowups anymore) and he tells me he knows he's doing it, and feels bad about it. But does nothing to change.
It's getting to where he's yelling at the kids (aged 1 and 4), slamming doors, throwing things etc. and I will not allow this. (I want to point out he has never hurt us physically). He rarely apologizes saying (well upset me, is not my fault I'm mad about it).

I'm tired of having to constantly have these "learning lessons" with the kids (such as "daddy is very upset right now, but he isn't acting properly is he? He shouldn't be doing . Instead he should be doing _.").

Help...
Any ideas as to what I'm suppose to do?

Ps: other than this, he is a very loving father and husband. Yes we've tried counseling, he said he didn't feel it was helping, cause he didn't like talking to a person he doesn't know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Merah314 · 13/05/2019 21:40

Wow this blew up... Alright. I hear you all loud and clear...things are about to change...

I agree this is childish and needs to stop. The kids will not grow up in an environment like this. Once again, it only got this bad around two weeks ago, so I haven't had much time to really think things through... But I agree. He needs to stop or get out...

OP posts:

Original poster

Merah314 · 13/05/2019 21:42

He was raised by a dad that did the exact same thing... his dad has thrown these tantrums around me and I figured that's where it came from.

It's no excuse... Though

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/05/2019 21:46

Nothing has "blown up"....people are just responding to the info you have given

He isn't going to change and is in fact escalating the shitty behaviour

Making threats you have no intention of following through just increases his sense of entitlement to treat you this way

Don't give ultimatums unless you are prepared to deliver

pallisers · 13/05/2019 21:51

He has escalated to daily outbursts of shouting and throwing things. You cannot rear your children in this home and expect them to be happy and healthy.

It isn't childish. It is dangerous. The only way he will do something about this is if you make it clear to him that your marriage depends on it (and even then .... ). I would make him move out until he can show he is in control of himself.

When you say "we tried counselling" I presume you mean "he tried counselling" because this isn't your problem - it is his.

Has he being having daily outbursts at work too or with other family members and friends?

pallisers · 13/05/2019 21:52

He was raised by a dad that did the exact same thing... his dad has thrown these tantrums around me and I figured that's where it came from.

yes. So your children will be the same. Not a nice thought.

Cherrysoup · 13/05/2019 23:11

You surely can’t allow this to continue? He has escalated, he can control himself and this has only got worse in the last two weeks, so it’s up to him to stop.

People who throw tantrums do it deliberately to manipulate and control others into doing what they want. Why is doing this?

Blondebakingmumma · 14/05/2019 14:22

He is not ‘childish’ he is an abuser. He isn’t having ‘tantrums’ he’s not a toddler, he is abusing you and your children.

Please get out as I’m sure you realize that this can have a life long effect on your kids.

I bet he can control his temper when around other people. He chooses to treat you and the kids this way

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2019 21:49

Does he behave like that at work?

Passtherioja · 14/05/2019 22:03

I'm the OP you describe my marriage until it got to the PS (mine wasn't loving, a good father and would never have done counselling!)

I've been free from this nonsense for 8 years and it's been hard at times but worth it in so many ways! My children were little too (just 2 and 5)...if you choose to get out then you will be fine xx

Likethebattle · 27/05/2019 10:25

I grew up with this i’m a people pleaser too terrified of anyone being angry around me. I hate confrontation and beat myself up over things where emotions may get frayed and blame myself. It’s a horrible way to be, my brother lives on his nerves.

SilverySurfer · 27/05/2019 13:59

I'm baffled how you can describe him as a good father when your children are exposed to his behaviour. Would you consider giving him an ultimatum? Toddler tantrums are manageable, adult tantrums rather less so, especially if they escalate into violence.

Lockcodger · 27/05/2019 14:27

Merah as the daughter of a father who behaved like this, I can promise you it is affecting your DC. Even though my dad was there financially and from the outside looking in appeared to be a good dad, me and my Dsis grew up walking on eggshells. He never hit us or my mum but the atmosphere in the house was awful when he was home. No amount of love from my mother could undo this.

We both went on to marry horrendously abusive men as we were almost immune to seeing the warning signs of abuse. Men throwing things around in anger and swearing became my normality.

I'm also angry at my mum for being a martyr and letting us be exposed to this kind of behaviour. Hes not a good dad if this is how he behaves. I'd give him an ultimatum and if he does it one more time after that, leave and dont look back. Your DC will thank you one day

ChristmasFluff · 27/05/2019 17:29

My mother was like this. She was also violent - but nothing out of the ordinary for the 70s, I guess. My Dad was like you, always saying, 'just ignore it, you know what she's like'.

My brother grew up to be an alcoholic heroin addict. My sisters and I all have eating disorders and have had relationships with violent men.

Please don't do this to your children.

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