What is DHs behaviour called when he does this ?

[Thegardenismine]

Other than being a total fuckwit?

Two examples, I mentioned an item he had and commented on it being new out . He then goes into a long speech about how I must remember that he got it over a year ago at XX and he can't believe I've forgotten. I then found out it was only released two weeks ago
I couldn't find an item I swear I put on a shelf, much hunting for said item over a long period, asked him several times if he'd seen it. Then day later he produces it and says I should of put it away properly... he was teaching me a lesson to tidy up.

I should mention he doesn't know I'm preparing to leave him. But I find this behaviour really odd.

There must be a name for it ?

Gaslighting?

gaslighting

Is he trying to make you question reality?

Wanker

Fuckwittery covers it perfectly.

Gaslighting. Wanker.

He’s lying and manipulative.

As you walk out the door with your bags, and he looks astonished, say "we discussed this sweety, remember? You took full responsibility and agreed to a divorce! Cheerio "

@Margotshypotheticaldog
Perfect! I'm so stealing that one if I may ?

@NabooThatsWho I believe he is . They are only two of many examples. Obviously it's part of control but am guessing it's called gaslighting from the responses.

Abuse. That’s what I’d call it. Gaslighting abuse.

OP I hope you are planning to get away from this cruel man?

For goodness sake, not everything can be attributed to the newly cool phrase 'gaslighting'. The first example doesn't sound like that at all to me. Women have been buying things for decades and then saying words to the effect of 'I've had it years, don't you remember?' OP, it could be just a way of not admitting to spending money, especially if you might question it.

In the 2nd example I think it depends on what the item is. It doesn't mean he is trying to make you question reality as a PP suggested (although it could be). Can you tell us more about what it is?

You say you are preparing to leave him. Is it that you want a label for his behaviour for divorce papers?

Well it may be gaslighting which is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser attempts to convince their victim that they’ve gone mad. Or he may just be a stupid condescending twat.

Gaslighting as a term and concept is a reference to a 1940's film that shows the behaviour from an abusive husband ....hardly new.

It's also simply where an abuser deliberately makes you doubt your judgement and own mind to achieve a goal to either make you dependant or belittle you.

Good on you for leaving btw

@Gigglinghysterically as a one off I get what you are saying re the oh I've had this old thing for ages... but it wasn't like that he was being very specific about times place and dates and was incredulous that I didn't recall. The item I misplaced was my reading glasses ! I had to wear an old pair stuck together with sellotape.

I've plenty on him without this , so no I don't need any more evidence or reason. A divorce isn't even needed. I'm off ASAP.

I was curious as to what his behaviour was achieving for him.

Good for you for getting out.

My ex used to be adamant about things, which were total lies, and I ended up feeling like I was losing my mind. I was already weak after years of emotional abuse and he made me question myself, what is real and what is not? But I’m so sure that I’m right.....yet he seems so confident and adamant....I must be wrong....maybe I’m going mad.
It was awful.

This ex you write of gaslighted you as well Naboo.

Gaslighting (and its definitely not a new cool phrase at all) is a form of pyschological and emotional abuse. Its furthermore a manipulative tactic in which a person, to gain power and control, plants seeds of uncertainty in the victim. The self-doubt and constant skepticism slowly and meticulously cause the individual to question their reality.

Perhaps the best way to examine this inherently abusive behavior is to go straight to the source, the 1944 film “Gaslight.” The film tells a story of a husband systematically brainwashing his wife to the point that she legitimately thinks she is going insane. The wife fights to protect her identity all while her husband viciously tries to take it away.

Gaslighting is also used by abusers and narcissists, and it can be difficult realizing you may have those people in your life. Furthermore, gaslighting happens in a deliberately slow, precise way to ensure that the victim doesn’t realize it’s even happening.
It’s hard to recognize this type of abuse because, in addition to lying, the gaslighter may also be incredibly charming. At first, you may even find yourself feeling guilty that you are second-guessing this individual. The abuser uses tactics to prove your concerns otherwise and quickly you begin ignoring your gut. If it was wrong the first couple of times, it must always be wrong. This confusion is precisely what the abuser wants. As a result, without even realizing it, you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse is about power and control.

@NabooThatsWho I'm happy you've seen the light it is the confidence thing isn't it ? It made me question my memory or lack of ... he knows that an extreme concern of mine especially with my family history.

If your family history is abusive and/or is otherwise dysfunctional that also perhaps made you more attractive a prospect for such a man to get his claws into.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for the details. The word charmer / charming was made for him. His work colleagues, neighbors etc think he's amazing he's a do anything for anyone type of guy. Always smiling ( outside of house) and pleasant.
He's very good at manipulating any situation. And me ... until recently. Once I started to question his hold on me I saw him in a different light, the lies on a daily basis are incredible. But the recent behaviour of making me doubt myself is very strange.

@AttilaTheMeerkat no I meant that my parent had dementia.

PP said gaslighting was a "newly cool phrase" - being new 'newly cool'.
She didn't say the phrase was new.

@AttillaTheMeercat
I had never heard the term until the Strictly Come Dancing Seann Walsh debacle and now it's in every day parlance. That's what I meant by it being a cool new phrase.