Help me deal with this - how to handle new DP ex

[Lorddenning1]

I have been seeing a guy for around 7 months, it has gotten quite serious over the last few months (he is a friend that I have known for a few years). I have 2 DS and he has 1 DD. The relationship is going great and we are both happy, apart from one thing,,,, his ex...
Bit of a back story, he was seeing/dating her for a couple of months and she got pregnant, she told him she was on the the pill, turns out she wasn't taking it properly. Anyways he told her he would be there for her and the baby, she didn't like the fact he didn't want a romantic relationship with her, so she stopped him having any involvement in the pregnancy and also when the baby was born. She stopped him seeing the baby and he had to go to court to get access, this has cost him thousands and has taken a lot out of him mentally. The courts have awarded him access now so that drama is over. He pays above maintenance plus anything else she needs, plus his mum provides childcare for her and pays for nursery too. He bends over backwards for her to keep her sweet as he is terrified that she will try and be difficult again with access to baby. At the moment she allows him to have her for the the whole weekend :) in very happy for him and he is a good dad.

My issue is with her and how he bows down to everything, even when she is being unreasonable. She rings him and texts him all the time, ask him to go and get food for her and the baby, which he does. She dictates what days he is having the baby, so he can't plan to do things, just basically if she says jump he says how high. While I fully appreciate I knew what I was getting myself into when I met him, it's hard to watch someone tho love be treated this way. He is a great guy and just wants to see his daughter.
Meanwhile I'm not allowed to post certain things on social media in case she sees and gets upset, she had to pick the baby up from his the other day as an emergency and I had to leave in case she kicked up a fuss. He always seems to put her needs and wants before mine, I know why he does, but it doesn't make it any easier.
She knows about us and was ok it seemed, she asks a lot of questions about us, but overall I thought she was ok with it. She has recently split with a guy she was dating and her behaviour is worst at the minute.
I feel like she should get her own boyfriend and stop making mine do her bidding (me and my ex get on ok ish, he would tell me to get stuffed if I asked him for the stuff she does, we were together for 9 yrs and have 2 children)

How would you guys handle this, would you walk away, AIBU?
TIA

Anyone got any advice or been in a similar situation?

oh, several red flags there.

My x persuaded me to have our second child but told all and sundry that I had tricked him in to the second child. He used the same words ''not taking the pill properly'' as the explanation so imo this is a red flag. He did not use a condom but he holds his x responsible to this day for a pregnancy that led to his CHILD. He shouldn't have told you that imo. It was extremely shabby behavior to tell a current partner that when the child is here and it's no longer the point. It certainly shouldn't be the point to him,but I think he is framing this as ''dem bitches do be crazy'' to you so that you think the x is crazy, and not...

that he has a foot in both camps

as evidenced by the fact that you're not allowed to acknowledge the relationship on fb. On the one hand you say she's annoyed he's in a relationship, so he suggests that she does know?! But yet you're restricted from posting anything that would confirm that on facebook?

I'm going to be the first to say that I suspect her side of the story would reframe what you believe the problem is.

It sounds like he's doing whatever he has to in order to maintain his relationship with his daughter. She holds all the cards unfortunately. It might get better when his daughter is old enough to make her own decisions but it might not and that could be a long wait for you anyway. You can't change her and to ask him to change is asking him to choose you over his daughter. I think you either have to accept this shitty situation as it is or walk if you can't.

The drama isn’t over. It won’t be until he enforces the court order. That is his decision. It’s also his decision to be so involved in her life. And it is his decision that you don’t post stuff about him and his child on social media. I am with him on that.

It’s not your business to tell her to get a boyfriend. It your business to take a good long look at yours and see him for what he decides and what he actually does. He is meeting these so called unreasonable expectations every time. Why are you so sure they weren’t promises.

This is never going to change. For good or bad reasons.
This will be your life. I would personally walk away. He is simply not ready to be in a relationship

ps, and paying more than 11% of your net income to your child doesn't make you a prince among fathers.

I'm glad the grandma gets to see your grandchild though. That sounds like a good arrangement for both of them. He sounds like he is a reasonably good father but he also sounds like he wants you to think she is the problem. The problem is you want him to step back from his responsibilities a bit or at least between certain hours to put you first. that is reasonable. But rather than be clear with you and clear with her, he's gone down the age old misogynist route of telling woman 2 that woman 1 is crazy. {sigh}

Red flags everywhere

Agree that there are quite a lot of red flags there, he is definitively trying to paint her in a bad light but if their relationship was so brief and distant they wouldn’t have such a strong dynamic where she asks and he jumps. There is more background to this story than you think and it may not even be the ex’s fault.

What I would say is that you have not a problem with the ex but a problem with your boyfriend. He is the one, not the ex, who is behaving in a way that affects you, she is not asking you not to use social media or hide if she is around, is him. She is not dropping you as a hot potato when she needs something, is him so it may be a good idea to have a frank discussion about whether this is going in the long term and for you to assess if this is something you want to be part of your life regularly for years to come.

This will be a nightmare for years. He’s totally incapable of putting sensible boundaries in place. You will always be dancing to this tune. You seem to blame her but they are both at fault here. I’d walk away from this personally.
I’m also surprised you’ve met his child so soon

You’re not being told the truth or the full story here. Naive. Run for the hills

I know it's not what you want to hear but this won't get better. This will be your life for many years unless he gets a backbone and stops bowing down to her. She is getting a good deal out of him with the money and free childcare. Maybe he ought to stop being so available and accommodating.

The only way to improve matters would be to get a court order stipulating set times for access. But that will cost and probably get her back up. I feel for you, it must be terrible to have fallen for someone and then have to put up with this but on the plus side at least he is committed to seeing his daughter. Maybe he needs to be a little more committed to your relationship now...

The problem is him.

You’ll be stuck with it like this for life.

Walk. Now.

You deserve a man who’s there for you. Let him have the space he needs to sort his life out and hopefully he’ll learn how to manage these things, but you can’t be there for him in this. You’re not the one for him and he’s not the one for you.

Take the lessons you’ve learned in this relationship and move on to the next until you find the one who makes it all make sense

Thank you for your replies, the relationship fizzled out for the both of them, I didn't want to sound like it needed because she got pregnant.
It's hard to not paint her in a bad light when she stopped a man seeing his child for a year and Iv seen her text messages etc. I have a lot of respect for single parents who raise children alone, I am one too, but she has used the little girl as a weapon the entire time, and there is a little girl in the middle who didn't ask to be born and should have both her mum and dad around to raise her.
I am not asking him to pick me over his daughter, I never would do that, and it goes for the same with mine.
I guess I'm just asking can this work, how can it work, what do I need to do? Back off?
It's on social media that we are a couple of there are pictures of us on there together, so there is no hiding it.
I just want us all to be happy, to get along and raise our children. My ex has a new partner and they live together with her 2 children, she is lovely and loves my children, the way I see it, it's more people to care about my children so I don't have any issues with her (I actually think my ex is a better dad because of her)
We currently have had a heart to heart and he has said sorry for asking me to leave and saying he should of put my feelings before hers and that it won't happen again and she needs to get used to it, Iv asked him to give me some space :(

I don’t get the pp who said she is surprised the OP has met the child so soon. They have been a together 7 months I wouldn’t call that soon and the op has said she’s known him several years before the relationship. Surely if the op has known him several years she will know if the ex was a serious relationship or just a brief one like her boyfriend has said?

Thank you for your replies, he does have a court order in place, but it's only for 6 hrs a week and currently she is letting him have her for the whole weekend, so he is getting more access and doesn't want to rock the boat.
We have met each other children because we were friends before, and are in the same friendship groups so there has been a lot of child party's etc and they have met before, when we were friends.

I agree with you, I do have a problem with my boyfriend and not with his ex, I think he needs to put in healthy boundaries without upsetting her, how can he do this?
My ex pays me the bare minimum for my 2 children and he isn't flexible at all with the days he sees the children, so it's the total opposite situation l have going on.
How can he be firm and not let her dictate without her refusing access again. He knows if she does he can take her back to court but these things are a slow process and he says he can't go through it all again :( and meanwhile there is a little girl who will be missing her dad.
It does frustrate me that women think they hold all the cards, when in actual fact it's the child that suffers, my ex is a complete dick but I wouldn't stop him seeing the kids, as they love their dad.
Iv wasted 9 yrs of my life with someone who didn't put me first and I'm thinking can I go through this again, even though the guy is prefect for me :(
I'm so confused

I couldn't be arsed with that

It’s a lot of effort and a lot to put up with and it won’t ever go away. If she decides to escalate things. If he decides to constantly back down.

I think asking for space was a sensible idea. You both need to think about what you want and need in a partner.

Sometimes you can meet the right person and it be the wrong circumstances.

Not an answer to your question, but if she is allowing him more access than the court order make sure he keeps a complete log. It could well be used in his favour if at any point he wants to try extending the court-ordered access.

Ok let’s give your BF the benefit of doubt and say everything he’s told your about the ex is true. Let’s also give him the benefit of believing that he wants nothing more to do with his ex beyond his DD. Despite all of these things he is still jumping through all the hoops, and he has seemingly got you jumping through some so as not to upset the ex also.

If things are getting serious with you and if it still hasn’t occurred to him yet that he should amend his behaviour with his ex, then this is a big concern. It is a big concern because you can not tell him to change his behaviour, if you do and it upsets the delicate balance of access to his DD, the only person who is going to get the blame here is YOU. Even if you don’t ask him to change but make it clear your unhappy with the situation and he changes things for your benefit and the ex withholds his DD you will still end up being the target of his resentment.

The only person who change the ex’s expectations is him, and unfortunately he has well and truly made a rod for his own back by being willing to jump through all her hoops in the first place. Like you say, you understand why he does it and why he continues to do it, and as it’s for his DD it’s not really something you can argue with.

In short you have 2 choices. You can vote with you feet by deciding it’s to much to put up with and walk away. Or you can stay and learn to deal with it and hope that makes the decision all by himself to alter the status quo with his ex, but be willing to accept this may never happen.

A couple of things to consider, if his DD is still a baby then all of this situation is quite recent in the grand scheme of things. It may calm down as DD gets older, but it may not. If his ex is a drama person, you will always be dealing with the drama in some capacity, and you’ll have to learn to repeatedly rise above it for the sake of his DD. Think carefully about this, especially since you have 2 DS’s and hope to blend families in the future. Whatever drama you and BF and subject to will see them dragged into at some point, especially if they build a bond with his DD who they will also miss if contact is withheld.

Think carefully OP.

@TooTrueToBeGood yes she is allowing him the whole weekend, the court order says 6 hrs per week.
Him having her the whole weekend suited her fine when she was with her new fella, I think she got a taste of freedom, so the situation was perfect, she got to let her hair down and he saw his daughter a lot more, everyone is a winner :)
Until she split with her new fella :( she asked him last weekend to get her dinner because the little one was asking for it, the little one can only say a few words so I doubt that, it's just so frustrating, but other than this I'm happy with him :(

Not sure if I missed it but how old is the child? You call her a baby so you are obviously in this for a very long time.

I know someone in this same dynamic with an 18 year old dd and he still ‘babysits’ at short notice and ex comes first. It is seriously affecting his three year relationship as current partner is still last on the list.

Some men do live like this.

Little one is nearly 2, he only got access around 10 months ago, so it's still relatively new to him too, I love watching his relationship with his little one grow, it's so nice to watch :) she has him wrapped round her little finger, and so it should be :)
In all other aspects he is the perfect guy for me, he is kind, thoughtful, wants to book trips for my birthday, meals out etc, Iv never had this before.
I am his first serious relationship in 3 years

@Lillygolightly this is 100% spot on, glad you have the measure of the situation, this is spot on.
Have you had any experience with his before?
All the things you have listed to take into consideration is what I have thought of too?
My head is saying can you do this, but my heart is saying go for it, he makes you happy, you can get through this together

Have you ever talked with her directly or do you only hear what your boyfriend says about her. You say he has trouble standing up to her, but doesn't seem to have any trouble telling you what you can and cannot do.
Futhermore, how are you okay with being told to leave when she arrives? Are you sure they are over? Are you sure they you are not the other woman?

@CaptSkippy I am sure I'm not the other women, it's on Social media that we are together and she has liked it, Iv said hello to her once and smiled to her, that's it.