Help me deal with this - how to handle new DP ex

[Lorddenning1]

I have been seeing a guy for around 7 months, it has gotten quite serious over the last few months (he is a friend that I have known for a few years). I have 2 DS and he has 1 DD. The relationship is going great and we are both happy, apart from one thing,,,, his ex...
Bit of a back story, he was seeing/dating her for a couple of months and she got pregnant, she told him she was on the the pill, turns out she wasn't taking it properly. Anyways he told her he would be there for her and the baby, she didn't like the fact he didn't want a romantic relationship with her, so she stopped him having any involvement in the pregnancy and also when the baby was born. She stopped him seeing the baby and he had to go to court to get access, this has cost him thousands and has taken a lot out of him mentally. The courts have awarded him access now so that drama is over. He pays above maintenance plus anything else she needs, plus his mum provides childcare for her and pays for nursery too. He bends over backwards for her to keep her sweet as he is terrified that she will try and be difficult again with access to baby. At the moment she allows him to have her for the the whole weekend :) in very happy for him and he is a good dad.

My issue is with her and how he bows down to everything, even when she is being unreasonable. She rings him and texts him all the time, ask him to go and get food for her and the baby, which he does. She dictates what days he is having the baby, so he can't plan to do things, just basically if she says jump he says how high. While I fully appreciate I knew what I was getting myself into when I met him, it's hard to watch someone tho love be treated this way. He is a great guy and just wants to see his daughter.
Meanwhile I'm not allowed to post certain things on social media in case she sees and gets upset, she had to pick the baby up from his the other day as an emergency and I had to leave in case she kicked up a fuss. He always seems to put her needs and wants before mine, I know why he does, but it doesn't make it any easier.
She knows about us and was ok it seemed, she asks a lot of questions about us, but overall I thought she was ok with it. She has recently split with a guy she was dating and her behaviour is worst at the minute.
I feel like she should get her own boyfriend and stop making mine do her bidding (me and my ex get on ok ish, he would tell me to get stuffed if I asked him for the stuff she does, we were together for 9 yrs and have 2 children)

How would you guys handle this, would you walk away, AIBU?
TIA

That must have been very demeaning for you to be asked to leave, like you are a secret. That would have been the final straw for me.

Sometimes the very difficulty of something makes us hang on when really we shouldn't. This is long haul. I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship where there's a constant power struggle with a third party chewing away and creating resentment.

I would take it at face value. Not everything is a red flag and I think he's doing it out of fear of her taking away the access to his daughter. And yes, women do lie about the pill. And if you're in a loving relationship, why wouldn't the man trust his partner to be taking it. I'd be unimpressed if my DP didn't trust me and insisted on using condoms as well in case I wasn't taking it and trying to trick him.

Oops, posted too soon OP.

Ultimately, you have 2 options. Walk away and be clear why. Or make it clear it's ultimatum time. He starts putting you above his ex and stops dancing to get tune or you're done. It seems a shame as he genuinely sounds like one of the good ones and he makers you happy, but I couldn't live like this long term. I want to know I come second to his child, not after his ex.

@NewMe2019 your right, he is doing all this for his daughter and that's what makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable, I feel like he choosing her, but he isnt, he is choosing his daughter and she is linked in with that, something I will need to get my head around.
We have had a chat and he has assured me this will never happen again, he said he is so used to doing things to not upset her that he lost sight of how I would feel and afterwards he thought of my position and realised how out of order he was :(

I had a relationships very similar to this.
The ex totally called the shots - and he let her, because 1. He was afraid of her stopping contact 2. He hadn't been in a relationship since they split, so it was not too big a deal to accommodate her demands.

When we met though, after a couple of tricky months, he did start to put his ex into the background, and me into the foreground.

Well he sounds like he’s understanding
Now see if actions back up words really that’s the most important thing

He can kiss goodbye to having his DD for the whole weekend as soon as his ex gets a serious boyfriend and wants to start playing ‘happy families’.

I had this. Boyfriend had been separated for a few years when I met him. After 2 years of seeing him, I walked away. His ex was a nightmare. You will have this for the next 18 years. You need to ask yourself are you strong enough to deal with it ? For me it simply wasn't worth the hassle.

@Justbreathing it's been our first disagreement/tiff so as long as we both learn from it it, I'm happy to see how we get on, at least now he knows how I feel about it.

@HappyLife21 won't it be the other way round, once she has new fella, won't she want to go out on dates and weekends away with him? She can't stop contact all together because there is a court Oder now

@OldAndWornOut thanks for the input, it's makes me feel better about the situation :)

Happylife21 I doubt it, she’s probably going to want him to have the child more if that happened not less

@Lorddenning1

Yes I have experience. Been with DP 17 years, he had split and divorced his ex when we met. His DC was 3 at the time and he an ex had been split for almost 2 years.

I knew things had been acrimonious during their split but by the time I met him they seemed to have settled into a regular routine of contact for the child, and things seemed calm. After a while I met the ex and later met the DC and all was well and we often spent time all together. I could have pinched myself at how idyllic and drama free it all was.

Shuffle down the road and I was pregnant with my first was when things first started to fall apart. There were numerous times she stopped contact and my poor DC and her DC were the ones to suffer missing their sibling.

This continued for years, us jumping through hoops in an effort to keep contact going. We tried so hard but despite our best efforts and after years of her bad mouthing us to DC (which I will add is difficult to defend yourself against because you can’t go telling poor DC that their mum is a liar and only hope that your love and support shines a light on the truth) DC broke contact during teen years. So DC has 2 siblings who miss them and a sibling they have never met. There is nothing we could do, DC was old enough to make their own choices and decide who they want to spend time with and forcing contact wouldn’t make it any better. All we could say was we love you, will always love you and will always be here for you no matter what.

That was some years ago DC now a young adult and I hope that with age and experience they will realise we weren’t the villains ex made us out to be.

As for the ex the catalyst for all this seemed to be when she met and married and had DC with someone else. I think once she was settled and was happy she just didn’t want to share her DC anymore. She wanted to concentrate on her little nuclear family and erase anything else that interfered with that ideal. How much of a hand her DH had in a this I do not know but I expect it plays a large part as DC was told to call him Dad.

It’s been and continues to be terribly upsetting for all concerned. The way things started I would never have imagined we would be in this situation all these years later. I had a great relationship with DC, I miss them a lot as do my children, it’s just so sad.

Consider all possibilities carefully before you get involved and get attached and before you allow your own DC to get involved and attached. I’m of course not saying that your situation will end up like mine, but it is food for thought.

Nobody comes without baggage, so it makes sense to spend time sorting out things which aren't very conducive to making a relationship work.

Whether that's sleeping with your dog, drinking loads, living with your mum or accommodating an ex.

I doubt anyone turns up with the perfect relationship cv, ready to sail off into the sunset.
Some people are worth sticking around for, whilst they make the necessary adjustments.

I'd keep a record of the additional contact he is having over a period of say 3 months, then go back to court to increase the six hours. It will only get worse I think. Set it in stone now and save years of this shit.

@BertyFlanter that's a good idea thanks