My boyf is so angry

[shontelle]

I've been with my boyf 2.5 yrs now. So I've always known he has been angry as he told me the 1st night he met me...he said he had been to anger management as his divorce left him angry and empty. He said he had been through a lot (failed ivf ) and lost his wife
But as time goes on...I think she left as she had enough of his moods
It started off as the odd huff and puff but as I reflect (as the relationship is lovely at times and he gets on great with my lo) I'm thinking I don't know if I want to spend my life with someone like this
But I feel bad thinking, is it enough to call it a day?
Hopefully someone can talk it through with me as I can't shake this feeling it's making me feel sick x

Yes it's enough to call it a day.

Is this enough? Of course it is enough!!! It will only get worse, not better. Do you really want that anger around your child?

Please dont expose your child to a man who has anger problems. No one who grows up around an angry man leaves without scars, no one, it's one of the most poisonous, destructive things a child can be exposed to. Please please think of your child.

I grew up with a very angry father and now as an adult I am trying to undo the years of damage it has caused me.

I know, thing is I've summarised I guess and it's an overall feeling rather than a daily problem if that makes sense.
Because generally he's ok and not angry all the time and that's what I'm doing now, been thinking this for months that I need to break it off but im. scared.
My lo is 5 and she's known him since a baby. I know I'll be making the right decision, it's taken me a lot to post on here but I've been reading posts for months x

@hello1b2 ah that's sad to hear and I guess that's what's made me think I definitely don't want that for my lo x

I'm going to clarify my angry comment
He's never been violent
He's can be lovely but when we disagree on something he will go off for days (we don't live together but he does stay at mine for days on end ) he won't talk to me until he's ready. Sometimes this can be a few days at a time.
His angry episodes are moody, maybe I've used the wrong word
But still it's not nice.

Yeah. My ex explained to me how he was angry. Like it was a desirable quality.

SRSLY - get rid.

I just thought he had been through a lot and given a rough ride but had got help for it
But I think it's his personality
I've sat and spoken to him about it and he always is sorry and says he will try change, go back to anger management
But then he does it again
Like this weekend so I'm thinking it has to be the end

He sounds like "the victim"

It will. Never be his fault, always justified (in his eyes)

So he is an angry sulker who uses his "moods" as a mechanism to control situations and to possibly punish you for having a different opinion?

Do you find yourself walking on eggshells, avoiding discussing certain issues and placating/apologising to him for no reason to avoid him going into a "mood"?

Tbh if a guy said that to me from the off, I wouldn't entertain a relationship with them. I find anger and moodiness stressful to deal with and quite frightening really.

Have you been putting up with this for 5 years?

Get out now! This is so very unhealthy for your child.

Never has "when someone tells you who they are believe them" been SO accurate!

He told you at the beginning that he had serious potentially dangerous issues - few men go for anger management treatment unless someone makes them I'd be concerned it was court or ss ordered to be honest!

Your priority should be your child in particular their safety.

Get rid of this guy and please address WHY You ever thought it was a good idea to bring an acknowledged "angry man" into your child's life BEFORE you embark on another relationship.

Your boundaries seem non existent and that's extremely worrying.

Because generally he's ok and not angry all the time
Is the fact that he's "generally ok" enough though @shontelle, for you or your daughter? And people, generally, are not angry all the time. It's how they behave when they are angry which is important. How do his actions make you feel?

and that's what I'm doing now, been thinking this for months that I need to break it off but im. scared.
You have your answer.

I really suggest you stop being in any relationship with him as much for you as for your child.

That sick feeling is there for a reason - literally Trust your gut instincts.

The relationships you CHOOSE to stay in will model for your child how relationships "should" be for the rest of their life. She will grow up thinking it's normal for a partner to be an emotionally abusive prick who takes off whenever he can't deal with life. Is this really what you want? Get rid of this arsehole.

He's not angry all the time.

But when he is angry are you spending a lot of time and energy thinking about him and wondering if he is still angry?

This is a no brainer.

End it.

Thanks everyone

No it hasn't been 5 years, 2.5 yrs

And he didn't say
Hi I'm a angry prick who leaves in certain-situations, I also huff and puff
He said he had been through a hard time and gone through failed ivf and had been married before, he said he had had counselling
A lot of what he said I related to
BUT in reflection and I thought I had already explained it's the fact he is angry
If I met someone now or in the future I don't mean that literally then I too would have gone through a hard time etc - so what I'm saying is the night I met him it wasn't apparent he was angry.....as I said I may have used the wrong word

But anyway you're all right and I agree
I can't go on like this
It's hard coz lo is missing him
She thinks he's working away
But I know she's too young to understand and yes I do want to do the right thing by her of course I do
He hasn't been in contact so that's good enough for me to not take him back this time
It's going to be hard but I mean it and I know it's the right decision
X

This might be a good way of starting the conversation with you daughter about relationships.

Treating people with respect, dealing with issues you may have, communication, keeping your word and not being around people who treat you badly.

shontelle

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none.
What do you want to teach your DD about relationships, surely not this appalling example of one. This is very unhealthy for your child to be seeing. Abusive people are indeed not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one; you've been seeing this from him all that time.

What are you scared of; is it a fear of him, a fear of being on your own?. It is not easy to leave but its a damn sight harder to stay with someone like you describe. Use his not being on contact now not to take him back.

@Aussiebean funny you say that, I've been doing that the last month and my mum suggested I keep a log, and I've kept mental ones and it's helped
She's also learning this as school, homework on respect etc so it makes me - made me question my relationship x

@AttilaTheMeerkat
I know, I agree. I don't want this for my lo. Guess I feel silly as I got into a relationship with this person and writing it out I feel guilty
My parents had split up when I was 17, dad left and don't speak to him now. I'm late 30's now. Very close to my mum though.
I'm meeting friends today and I have a busy week. To be fair when we argued I said I was done so I've already ended it! But he doesn't think I'm serious
He will go back to his and sulk and only contact me when we wants.
I'm drained but I'm done
Going to concentrate on my lo this week and not take him back.
He doesn't have a key but he does have some things here ?
I'm scared because I know he will not accept it....

The fact that you say you are scared because he won't accept it is so telling. It's exhausting living with someone with anger issues, walking on eggshells all the time, trying to keep the peace. The feeling of relief when you no longer have to do that will be immense.

Change the locks anyway, just in case (did he ever borrow yours) and arrange to have someone with you when he collects his things.

I feel sick...he always thinks we will be together I know that.
He had a spare key of mine as he did stay here a lot, I took that back when we argued. So he doesn't have one. Plus I rent...I have a deadlock so put that in at night
He doesn't have a lot, just some work trousers, toiletries etc
I'll put them in a bag and sort out when he can get them
But I also feel sad ☹️

I can understand you feeling sad, but just think how much easier it will be not having to deal with him sulking all of the time.

He really is horrible when he gets in these moods, stomping about like a child humming to himself he was
Then when he's sorry, he's all flowers and wine....
He changes his fb pic, which is of me and him, he updates stuff about how 'happy' he is so I've just deleted my account coz I don't wanna keep checking his fb which I am doing.
So what next? Do I tell him?! Or just leave it? He never just shows up coz of lo so least that's something