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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyf is so angry

45 replies

shontelle · 11/05/2019 23:14

I've been with my boyf 2.5 yrs now. So I've always known he has been angry as he told me the 1st night he met me...he said he had been to anger management as his divorce left him angry and empty. He said he had been through a lot (failed ivf ) and lost his wife
But as time goes on...I think she left as she had enough of his moods
It started off as the odd huff and puff but as I reflect (as the relationship is lovely at times and he gets on great with my lo) I'm thinking I don't know if I want to spend my life with someone like this
But I feel bad thinking, is it enough to call it a day?
Hopefully someone can talk it through with me as I can't shake this feeling it's making me feel sick x

OP posts:
sackrifice · 12/05/2019 09:43

He doesn't have a lot, just some work trousers, toiletries etc

Put them in the post to him.

Delete his number and when he texts you to start talking again, say 'who is this?'

JiltedJohnsJulie · 12/05/2019 09:49

So what next? Do I tell him?! Or just leave it? He never just shows up coz of lo so least that's something. I would just carry on as you are and don't get in touch.

Put his things in a black bin bag and if he gets in touch tell him you'll leave the bag at his DM house or friends and he can collect from there. There's no need to see him again really. You've told him it's over, he's posted on social media saying he's happy. Job done.

Have you get anything planned today? If not, could you talk DD out to the park or swimming, sounds like you could do with a change of scene this morning and clear your head a bit Smile

midsummabreak · 12/05/2019 10:00

Well done, keep going! You are absolutely doing the right thing leaving this man. Would it be possible to move in with family for a few months while dealing with his anger frim the breakup?

shontelle · 12/05/2019 10:03

Thanks everyone
Yeah I feel my heads all over the place
I'm meeting my friend and her kids and we are going to soft play and just said to lo I'll take her to the shops after so she's excited for her day, little things oblivious
I'm feeling anxious
I'm normally texting chasing him and this time I haven't
But I will gather all his stuff properly later when lo is in bed and sort out how to get it to him
Thanks everyone I feel better already from talking it out

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 12/05/2019 21:40

As Litteducks says do you really want your child growing up witnessing his angry outbursts and silent treatment. You are so right to leave this man so she does not end up like Faceb21 says and spending her adult years unravelling the damage done in counselling

midsummabreak · 12/05/2019 21:48

Oops i mean Hello1b2 , big hugs, and sorry Hello to hear you have gone through such a horrible time in your childhood.

Goodluck Shontelle keep the faith that you and your child are absolutely deserving of a happy kindhearted forgiving patrner abd daddy. it sounds like this man will put u through the mill trying to guilt you into going back to the relationship; keep strong and ask a friend or family to help if any trouble.

mathanxiety · 14/05/2019 03:52

He won't accept your decision. That is part of the overall pattern of utter disrespect. Don't try reasoning or any discussion or explanation. All he will want from discussions/conversations about this is your attention, your energy focused on him. What he fears most is indifference from you.

He will try all sorts of ploys to get back together including flowers, apologies, promises (you have seen this before). Then he may turn threatening or desperate/suicidal. If any threats are made either way, report to the police. It is not up to you to save him from suicide. You need to protect yourself if he threatens you. He may even try indifference, hoping you won't be able to resist contacting him. Don't get sucked back in that way.

Keep your door locked when you are home. Find a third party to get his belongings to him if possible. Otherwise, arrange to meet somewhere public with his stuff, and take a friend with you. Don't take your DD. Make a list of everything that is in the bag/s. Take photos of everything as you put it all in.

If he contacts you by phone, tell him to email you about arrangements to get his stuff regardless of what he says to you. Then hang up. Block his number.
You can make arrangements for him to get his stuff via email.

If he is still sulking after a week, take the initiative and email him to tell him where his stuff can be picked up and when. (You will have arranged a friend to help you in this and can even cc the friend). In the same email you can tell him not to contact you and not to come to your home. It is important if you ever have to seek a protection order that you have a record of telling him not to contact you.

You don't owe him any further contact.
You don't owe him another chance.
You don't owe him a discussion or an explanation.

Don't make the mistake of trying to get an explanation or an apology out of him. Draw a line under this and get on with your life.
Don't give in to any temptation to check on him. Tell your friends and family you do not want any further contact from him. Ask them not to pass on any messages from him.

Feeling sad and regretful and grieving for the relationship are all perfectly natural responses when you make a decision like this and take action. You invested your emotions and time and energy into this relationship. All of the sad feelings will pass eventually. You will also stop beating yourself up about keeping on trying even though the relationship was so difficult.

Try to keep busy and focus on your DD.

Rspu1384 · 14/05/2019 09:03

maybe he needs counselling for the infertility issue? Is it him with infertility op?.
If it is it would have been devastating and a huge blow and a lot of times men feel anger.

shontelle · 14/05/2019 09:20

@mathanxiety thank you for your posts
All I have had is a text saying he wants his stuff IF I'm serious I want over, he wants nice in his message at all so I've texted saying his things are all in 2 him bags and he can collect when I'm not there just let me know when and I'll leave out for him. Nothing back

@Rspu1384 he did have counselling for this, it was his issue and his ex wife's.
This was over 10 yrs ago and maybe yes he was never over it
I mean how awful and I couldn't imagine how painful
However, since meeting me and lo and the fact I want more so it was on the the cards for us then you think he would sort his anger out?
I'm late 30's so for me I feel sad and upset that maybe even for me it won't happen. I like you say invested time and emotion and let him into our life's thinking he had got his issues sorted
Reason I started a relationship is I feel a lot of people may come with some baggage, myself included
I've gone through hard times and have counselling in the past too so I felt we had something in common, however I am happy and content in my life how and have over come my issues, he however leaves me for days in end and provides no emotional support and gets into moods huffing and puffing
Trust me I've done everything and anything even putting my own needs second to try and make this work - I cannot do this anymore
It breaks my heart and I do feel for him but what about me? What about looking after my needs?
And like everyone has said
What is this showing my daughter?
She's actually ok and seems happy atm so i just want to concentrate on us x

OP posts:
Rspu1384 · 14/05/2019 09:42

Infertility is life shattering and it might be the underlying cause of the anger. As you said though it isn’t fair on you, I would sit down and talk to him and give him an ultimatum now. I was just giving a suggestion as I know personally how terrible infertility actually is. I’ve changed as a person and more angry/emotional. It’s not an excuse to treat people like shit though, and I agree not good around your daughter and putting her first in this situation is key. X

W0man0nMarz · 14/05/2019 09:51

Everyone has some sort of baggage/history

Why would you choose to date someone, who clearly stated that they had anger issues ?
Did you think you could rescue / change them ?

You & your child should be your priority

shontelle · 14/05/2019 09:59

She is my priority
I didn't choose to date someone with anger issues
I've already explained this a few times to other people who have questioned it
He didn't say it like that
It was after time it came to light he had anger
I've already said I used the wrong word

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 14/05/2019 10:01

Rspu1384 I really can't see how OP sitting and talking with him will do any good. He's used to the power dynamic in this relationship, and won't modify his behaviour to appease OP.

shontelle · 14/05/2019 10:18

I won't be talking to him
Thank you for your advice I do appreciate it but I've already done this - a lot of times actually
I can't have him doing this to me
He's not even sorry and ' just wants his stuff back'
His pattern is to go off and sulk
He's 42 btw - he's not going to change is her

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 14/05/2019 10:20

No, he's not going to change now. Well done in facing this harsh fact. You and your DC don't need this anger/moodiness in your lives.

midsummabreak · 14/05/2019 13:12

Great points from MathAnxiety and QuuenOfTheCroneAge. Well done , it must be scary for you but a relief for your dauggtee that you are standing firm and focusing on more important things than his 42 year old sulking ways

midsummabreak · 14/05/2019 13:13

*daughter

mathanxiety · 14/05/2019 22:33

No, he is not going to change.

All I have had is a text saying he wants his stuff IF I'm serious I want over, he wants nice in his message at all so I've texted saying his things are all in 2 him bags and he can collect when I'm not there just let me know when and I'll leave out for him. Nothing back

So he is playing games. What he wants now is for you to get in touch again. He is playing hard to reach and giving you the impression that he doesn't care about the relationship. He will probably not get in touch with you.

In a week - next Tuesday - if he hasn't contacted you, email him and tell him that his stuff is taking up space and if he doesn't come by to pick it up by that Saturday (25th) you will take it as meaning he wants you to dispose of it. Also tell him that if he arranges a day and time and doesn't show up the stuff will be disposed of. (Because this game could go on for a long time, with him amusing himself greatly by wasting your time).

If he contacts you to set a day, please, please have a friend or family member there with you when he arrives. Talk to friends and family and see if any are available for that whole week (21st to 25th)

You need to block his number.

Chocmallows · 14/05/2019 22:41

Be prepared for him to play games as once he sees the sulking, playing victim etc. aren't working he could step it up.

Keep clear facts in your head...it didn't work, it is over.

Guard yourself over him guilt-tripping you or saying he wants to get back to help you or misses lo etc. see bullshit as bullshit

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 14/05/2019 23:01

Just leave his stuff at his friends/relatives house and a short text letting him know, after that there is absolutely no need to have any further contact.

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