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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

For anyone whose DP who travels for work...

37 replies

resipsa · 11/05/2019 23:12

My DH has taken a new role requiring a lot of international travel. In short, he is rarely around and when he is around, he's usually tired and/or preparing for the next trip. This change means that I have to compromise in every area: my work, the kids, my social life and our family life with no discernible benefit to date . How do others cope (as it is driving me mad)? Do you get used to it? Do you bicker when DP first returns and upsets the status quo you've reached with the children in their absence?

OP posts:
NannaNoodleman · 11/05/2019 23:28

That's difficult to answer... I suppose you'll reach your own status quo and get used to the new dynamic.

My DH has always travelled for work (since we graduated) so it's our normal. Occasionally I get a bee in my bonnet that the house is messier when he's home but then I remember that's because I go into slob mode when he's home. DH is very good at pulling his weight and picking up the chaos that is created by him coming home.

I think parenting differences always cause a bit of a bicker regardless of travel.

HypatiaCade · 11/05/2019 23:52

It is hard, and lonely, for both of you. Many marriages don't survive it. So you need to be proactive.

You need to sit down and have a discussion. He has to understand that the reality is that you will now be the primary parent, so you will be making most of the decisions as they require, and he doesn't get to be pissed off about that. He also doesn't get to storm in and disrupt the pattern that you have established because this ONE Saturday he happens to be there - football, swimming, etc, will usually continue (for example).

But, you also need to acknowledge that travelling is hard, that he will get lonely, and will want special family time when he does come home. And, in all honesty, he will want a bit of a fuss made of him, because he will want to know that he has been missed. And that's fair. You are his family, and he is supposed to be loved by you and missed by you. He will miss out on lots.

So you have to plan on how to deal with it.

Discuss the big things for the DC, potential schools, subject choices etc, well in advance. So there is time to make the decision jointly.

Acknowledge that the smaller choices - clubs, extra-curricular activities, are predominantly your choice, given that you have to do the legwork with them.

Be flexible - missing one sporting fixture in the month if that's the only weekend day the DC's dad is around, might be the better option. But your DC might actually WANT their dad there, because it's rare. These things need a flexible and open approach.

It's easy to get into rigid routines, eg always watching a program on tv, that's what the record feature is for, some routines can and should go out the window when your DH comes home.

The travelling logistics - you're not his admin assistant or chauffeur - you do not drive him to and from the airport constantly. That takes a lot of time and effort, get yourself a decent car service to pick him up and take him.

Organise a laundry service for his business shirts/suits, and buy extra work shirts, suits, shoes etc. Don't spend the short time he is at home fretting about getting his clothing turned around in a short time frame. Spend the money on extras. You will BOTH be much happier for it.

MAKE TRAVEL LISTS - this is soo important - your DH needs to travel efficiently, and to do this he needs lists. So a list of what to pack and travel with. Toiletries in small containers - not all hotels will have nice things (depending on where he's travelling). Get extra toiletries in store for re-stocking in his turn around time. Make sure he travels with extra laces for shoes, a mini sewing kit, etc so he can do emergency repairs on the go. He should also have a card with all his size details printed on it in his wallet and backed up on his phone (in all countries' sizings, including shoes). If his luggage goes awol he can use it to order more clothes quickly.

Workwise he might also want to consider getting a mini printer/scanner for when he's on the go. He also needs to travel with sufficient stationery, and have decent office supplies at home, again so that he can restock before his next trip.

Think childcare logistics for yourself while he's away. For functionality purposes you might want to consider doing it as though you're a single parent. So school clubs, babysitters, perhaps even an au pair, to help you out. He does NOT get to veto these choices, because they are for YOU and are a direct result of his work travel.

Consider communication methods - do your DC have a way of chatting to their dad while he's travelling? Do they have mobile phones or tablets that they can keep in communication with him? A family WhatsApp group perhaps, so that everyone is kept in the loop? It will stop him feeling like an outsider.

Good luck.

resipsa · 12/05/2019 00:02

Amazing advice! Thank you!

OP posts:
Clockwatchers · 12/05/2019 00:04

My Dh has never had a list, not have 1. Passport and credit card is all that you need to travel.

But back to the OP.

Travel just becomes part of life. We have bags ready packed (duplicate chargers, cables, toiletries, shoes, gym kits) so there is no preparation. I could be at the airport in 30 minutes from getting a call.

When our dc were little my DH was away long haul. It was before face time but we found that not getting in touch all the time made it easier for everyone.

Why does your work or social life have to suffer? What are you missing out on?

resipsa · 12/05/2019 00:08

Well, my job (lawyer) demands a certain number of recorded hours and I am used to doing these with an early start (7am) because DP would deal with the children in the morning so I could finish earlier to pick them up. In his absence, I have to do both ends hence compromise. As for social life, it's just me at home so to go out means a sitter to be paid for and usually we would not need it...

OP posts:
resipsa · 12/05/2019 00:11

And it's not just the cost of such arrangements, it's the lack of spontaneity. If he were at home and a friend said at 7 'let's meet at 8', it's easy - on your own, less so. Isn't that obvious?

OP posts:
Clockwatchers · 12/05/2019 00:16

How old are the DC?

resipsa · 12/05/2019 00:17

And a whole BH weekend alone with 2 under 10 = potentially missing out on quite a lot. What an odd question to ask of someone on their own with children Confused

OP posts:
resipsa · 12/05/2019 00:17

3 and 8!

OP posts:
Clockwatchers · 12/05/2019 00:19

Why? Get a regular sitter? Or an au pair?

What would you have done with the children if the 2 of you wanted to go out?

Or did you have solo social lives?

HypatiaCade · 12/05/2019 00:19

In your position, as a lawyer, I think you need to seriously consider getting an au pair or live in nanny, and include 1 babysitting night a week in the contract, even if you don't use it every week, with the option of paying them to do an extra babysitting shift for ad hoc events.

Clockwatchers · 12/05/2019 00:21

So. Friends can come round to you and if you want a late night they stay over? Or you and the DC can stay with them?

Clockwatchers · 12/05/2019 00:23

With a 3 year old - what childcare do you use?

resipsa · 12/05/2019 00:33

All lovely ideas but therein lies the compromise. Seriously, who would take two under 10s for a 'sleepover' at friends then go to school/work the next day? When we - me and DP - go out, we get a sitter, obviously, but used also to go out 'solo', sometimes spontaneously - hence compromise again to whoever suggested it was not!

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 12/05/2019 00:35

Of course you have to compromise! You are their sole parent present on a daily basis now.

Unless you want to take a step back in your career, get the childcare sorted. You will start to resent your DH otherwise.

HypatiaCade · 12/05/2019 00:37

Sorry, I meant you are compromising in a supportive way, not critical way. You have no choice, your DH has merrily gone and taken a step forward with his job that has left you in a great deal of difficulty.

Youngandfree · 12/05/2019 00:52

I get exactly where you are coming from!! My DP works at sea, he is gone for 3 weeks at a time, and is then home for 3 weeks at a time. I don’t have a babysitter that is not family so if there is a family thing on (for example next week there is an engagement party)it is unlikely I could go as I have no babysitter (all family at the party 😩) also I can’t just go for an evening walk if I fancy it as again (who will mind the DC) I live rurally and I’m not gonna drag my Mum or dad out so I can walk. I’m a teacher so I do school drop off and collections on my way to and from work. I really have two ways of living, one is without DH and one is with. The children get used to it as am I (it’s been 7 years and no sign of divorce yet 😂)

I don have ANYTHING to do with his packing or travel arrangements,he’s a grown man he can manage that!! I have enough to do!!anyway he keeps most things he needs on the ship and just travels with some essentials. Don’t start doing things for him that are not sustainable that’s my advice! 😂

I also think my house is messier when he is home but I just grin and bear it,he’s a messy cook (but at least he cooks) and I like to be mega organized when he is gone, this goes out the window when he is home!

The other thing I do is I plan days out for when he is home obviously,so that the kids get to have fun with both of us and then I plan separate time with each of the children so they get 1 to 1 with each of us.

BlackcurrantJamontoast · 12/05/2019 00:56

Nanny who does early start and childcare for 3 year old plus XX evening and XX weekend

Au pair

Nursery staff often sit as a sideline

Advertise for a mothers helper- can often be an older person who has had their own children

Getting before school care is often easier than after. What do you do for childcare at the moment?

So the issue is that you want to go out midweek? I am not sure how much spontaneity most parents of 3 and 8 year olds have?

BlackcurrantJamontoast · 12/05/2019 01:03

when he is around, he's usually tired and/or preparing for the next trip

That needs to end. He needs to make sure that he comes back rested (I don't mean without jet lag- but you can work through that) I mean that he hasn't been living it up and is knackered before he gets on the plane.

Look at the travel timetables. It is great to fly out early or add a few days on the end when you are single (or have grown up children as we do) but when you have younger one then home needs to come first. If he is flying club then he has no need to allow any catch up time.

S021 · 12/05/2019 01:43

I would never, ever, be involved with anyone who travels for work tbh

NannaNoodleman · 12/05/2019 08:40

If you're this unhappy about the situation, you need to have a chat with him.

Is this the only job he could get? Is it a great benefit to his career?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/05/2019 09:18

I would never, ever, be involved with anyone who travels for work tbh

What a naive thing to say. There are plenty of couples out there who got together when they were in their early 20s with no travel involved in their working life. As people progress in their careers it often just comes with the job. Sometimes the job that didn’t involve much travel changes over time and becomes more travel based. Are you seriously suggesting that the only choices are to turn down career promotions and stay in the same basic job that you took in your early 20s, refuse to do any travel if required for the job and risk losing your job and income that helps keep a roof over the family’s heads, or split up and have the kids go through a divorce??

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/05/2019 09:28

OP, my DH travels a fair bit. He does not have a regular work schedule AT ALL which made regular childcare arrangements involving him impossible when the kids were little. We took the decision for me to stay at home for 4 years or so and then have gradually upped my working hours. They are teens now and so I don’t need the childcare but I do find things more difficult when he’s away now I work FT and I’m older. There is just more to do and I’m older now so it’s tiring. Luckily DH appreciates that and pulls his weight when he IS home.

The difference between my and your situation is that I don’t have a full on job like a lawyer. I think with a FT stressful long hours job like that with children at the age yours are I would definitely be thinking about an au pair/mothers help. I know single parents have to cope without but I’m pretty sure that If they could afford it they would make sure they had all the help they could get.

Re going out socialising. I quite like my own company so while I’ve had to turn lots of things down over the years, to be honest it hasn’t bothered me too much. If it had have done, I would have had a list of my trusted paid babysitters all to hand.

The one thing I did miss was being able to do little spontaneous things like go off out on my own for a quick walk or to go evening shopping without the kids in tow. But it’s only for a few years. I do that now and leave them here in the house on their own.

S021 · 12/05/2019 09:33

Not naive at all.

I don’t want the life you have just described.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/05/2019 09:38

So you would leave the DH that you love and been with for years and break the family up because you don’t like the fact that his job now involves travel?

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