For anyone whose DP who travels for work...

[resipsa]

My DH has taken a new role requiring a lot of international travel. In short, he is rarely around and when he is around, he's usually tired and/or preparing for the next trip. This change means that I have to compromise in every area: my work, the kids, my social life and our family life with no discernible benefit to date . How do others cope (as it is driving me mad)? Do you get used to it? Do you bicker when DP first returns and upsets the status quo you've reached with the children in their absence?

He wouldn’t travel.
We’ve discussed it and agreed that’s not going to happen.

Obviously, this agreement applies to me too

@S021 different horses for different courses and all that!! I’m just baffled as to why you clicked on the thread when it clearly didn’t apply to you?? 🙄

It does apply.
Just chucking in the idea that the you don’t have to agree to a lifestyle that obviously doesn’t work for you.

I travel a lot for work and have done for 19 years now, plus DH normally spends 2-3 days a week away.
Travelling is no excuse for not being a full and active part of the family, esp now when I can sit at the airport and do the Ocado order, dh can sort ds's school uniform order on the train and so on. If one of us needs to travel in the time that the other already has things on the calendar, then it is the travellers responsibility to sort childcare. We don't have overnight childcare available to us (we do have a fabulous babysitter who is v flexible) so that is an absolute.
No excuses about being tired either! Last week I had worked all weekend in Europe at a conference, got home midnight Monday. 6.30am I was sorting ds for school. Worked, did housework, did washing - all the normal things - then left Thursday after doing ds's uniform and packed lunch to go to US for a meeting. Back Sunday afternoon (economy flights only), got in, changed, out for dog walk.
I always get the earliest possible flight home, and if I can physically get out in the morning to something I do rather than an overnight. I notice a lot of family dodgers will spend the extra night.

you can’t just refuse to travel though if your role changes over the years and more travel starts to become a necessity. You might have been able to take that stance years ago but not now I don’t think. Or if the only option is sitting in a basic low salary job or taking one that is much better paid but has some travel involved, surely?

Did you not get any say in this op? Because that would be a deal breaker for me. As a lawyer it’s a huge challenge managing work and home on your own. I’m a consultant and dh not being there to pull his weight would be a game changer. Does his job pay enough to cover the childcare?

I know how you feel, my DH took a new role about 6 months ago that involves long haul and short haul travel. We have a 2 yo (and I'm now pregnant as well) so it's pretty full on and tiring. In his first month in the job he was away every week.

Others have given really good advice, I'd just say that I really struggled at first too (especially when he went away for 14 days- we have no family local to help). It's got easier with time, we've adjusted. We talked about getting more childcare but this can be a bit tricky with a toddler. What we didn't consider though was how it might be difficult for me to keep working as much as I did before. It's not an option for me to cut back hours in my job though so not really a lot I can do at this stage. My job is not as full on as being a lawyer so as others have said maybe consider more childcare to help with that?

Good luck, I think it takes an adjustment and a realisation some things might need to change to make it more manageable. We are now intending to move closer to family once no 2 is here to be things easier for me.

Get a cleaner and any other domestic/childcare support you need and make sure you have 'protected time' to spend together and with family. It's very easy for Sunday flights and jet lag to steal time if you don't make a point to block out social time because the travelling can takeover especially if going to States, China, with Monday meetings, etc.

Regarding it effecting your job, this happened with my job and was probably the worst part for causing resentment. It's difficult.

In my case it made sense that I worked part time as he earned more than twice as much as me so it was to the benefit of family funds.

DH and I both travel a fair bit for work. There are sticky moments sometimes when there's a clash but mostly we manage with the school wraparound care and the odd friend taking DD early in the morning, picking up in the evening for us if we can't make it. The good thing is that I'm kind of term-time only so even if I'm working during a school holiday then that's usually from home unless I'm operating on different term dates (being deliberately vague here...)

When one of us is away, the other usually has either a stack of batch-cooked meals in the freezer or some easy cook bung in oven dishes, fresh pasta as quicker etc. DD usually has packed lunches but accepts that when it's really busy she'll do a week or two having school dinners.

The house is way cleaner and tidier when DH is away but I'm fussy. We usually have a cleaner too but had to pause due to a flood and bathroom being replaced - stuff everywhere and impossible to clean. Will reinstate shortly.

Often when DH is away, I'll have friends over for a bite to eat and a few glasses of wine so I still get adult company. And he's been trained to identify a good hotel travel-sized product so I often have This Works, Elemis and Aveda stuff kicking about!

We'd both have to pack in our jobs if we weren't prepared to travel and it always gives us interesting things to talk about. I also (whispers) enjoy the time out it affords me especially if I'm travelling first class, which is sometimes the case.

It can be weird for the first few hours when one of us arrives home as there's always an adjustment period but you get used to it. I think if we had more than one child then it would be harder, especially if we needed to get them to two different places in the morning. But it is what it is and @S021 sometimes you don't foresee a career going in the direction it does. I really hope neither of you get the offer of a job with travel and feel you can't take it because you promised rather than because you don't want to. Horses for courses though of course

Must be 15 years ago now but there was a period of 2 years when DH spent more time in NY than London. It was tough. An au-pair helped.

It required superhuman organisation especially as I had just gone back to work after 7 years off. It was fine on balance and meant there was one less to look after. DH did not bring home dirty laundry. Without that spell I doubt the rest of his career would have been so lucrative.

We now have elderly parents, DH doesn't travel beyond UK anymore, one DC at uni, 2nd home in Europe. There is always the possibility of a trip at short notice/emergency.

We both keep an overnight bag with full washbag, emergency meds, underwear, nightwear, clean shirt and suit bag for DH, clean top for me, chargers, etc. Just in case.

I had a morning and after school nanny who also did baby sitting. I cried when she had to leave.

Teens are also a good bet. My nieces and their friends were babysitters from 15 to uni. Pay them well and you'll have them on tap.

The traveller sorts their own travelling shit out.

Don't place too big a deal on The Homecoming or there absolutely will be a row when expectations aren't met.

The traveller has to make every effort to reintegrate where there are kids concerned. They get to sleep on the plane and in hotels when the primary parent doesn't.

Ocado everything. Cleaner non-negotiable.

Take advantage of travelling by taking the kids to meet the traveller when they're old enough. Kids love cities.