Argh, typed a huge post and lost it, dammit!
We are in a very similar boat with many similarities between our situations although we’ve now moved to toddler stage with our preemie nicu twins. In some ways it’s easier but in others it’s harder - he’s definitely doing the right thing by addressing this now.
How long as he been on the meds? If it’s more than 2-3 months he should ask to try something else. It’s great he’s going to counselling but that takes time too.
Having twins is completely different to having one child, an all hands on deck approach saves the crushing resentment that can wreck a marriage. Yes, mental and physical health issues can make that difficult but we have to do it anyway - since the twins were born I’ve had severe physical illness and MH issues related to birth trauma, anxiety, PND etc. Some days were torture but they had to be fed, changed, held etc and I had to do it. Nobody else was going to, although DH helped when he wasn’t working which helped me too. He’s also had severe bouts of depression and we’ve both had short spells on ADs. We are still together (stronger then ever now), you can get through this.
How was your communication before the twins? IME it’s the quality of the communication between partners that dictates how they get through difficult situations. We’ve had a terribly stressful years with multiple diagnoses for the twins, and no diagnoses for the health issues I’m facing, plus no sex drive for me and all sorts of other things. If we hadn’t been able to talk about all this I swear we’d be divorced now.
It’s great you’ve been able to move closer to family, I can’t tell you how much easier having family around would make our lives. Are they supportive?
Yes, he’s had to change jobs and move away from his friends etc and that’s a sacrifice he’s made for his family (although if that family is supportive and offers respite, it will be a huge help to him too). You’ve made fundamental sacrifices too to have his children (I don’t know about you but twin pregnancy has completely wrecked my body and health, and now you’re taking on the bulk of caring for them too).
Please do not let him tell you that having babies was your idea so it’s your responsibility- unless you obtained his sperm under false pretence or threat of violence, he knew that ejaculating inside a vagina could result in becoming a father. This sets alarm bells ringing for me to be honest. No matter what his MH difficulties, he can’t opt out of the life choices he’s made. I also assume you didn’t force him to move at gun point? If you look back objectively at your relationship, are you so really so dominant and he so passive? I suspect not, but I may be wrong. If not, does he say things like this a lot?
I think what you need is a child free few hours to discuss things properly, if you have family who could facilitate that. Of course as we both know, severe depression makes it incredibly hard to function but I’m certain that if it hit you to the same extent tomorrow, you wouldn’t stop parenting. We don’t get that option - even mums in my area with the most severe MH issues go into a mum and baby unit because continuing to parent your child is important and beneficial for your mental health.
You need to go over everything that’s causing issues for both of you. Of course you need to be sensitive and understanding of the health issues he’s experiencing, but at the same time you shouldn’t need to break yourself because you want to remove every ounce of pressure from him.
Try and find solutions together - if he hates his job, can he find another? Does he have any friends at all where you live - could you each go out once a month even while the other holds the fort? Could you get a night out together once a month?
Don’t say things like “you aren’t pulling your weight and I’m not coping”, say “I’m not coping with never having a break, what can we do about it?” or “I’m struggling to keep on top of the housework, could we afford some help?” or whatever the issues are.
If he hates his job, Is he looking for a new one?
If he feels he’s “not good with the babies” (who is, until they learn? I wasn’t!), what proactive steps is he taking to get better with them?
I know I was guilty of taking everything on, especially in the early days after we got home. But very soon, one of them was readmitted to paeds HDU and I had to stay with him for nearly 2 weeks while DH had the other twin at home. It was a baptism of fire for him - he didn’t know how to make bottles, how to store the breastmilk I was pumping, which clothes would fit them, how to sterilise, etc. I realised pretty quickly that I wasn’t doing either of us any favours, but when I got home I slipped back into it anyway because it’s hard not to.
Every parent needs to know every aspect of caring for their child just in case, especially with twins. Doing that will also help him gain confidence and bond with the babies.
Can you afford any childcare? One morning a week at nursery even, it’s worth the money and great for their development too. Looking back that’s the one thing I’d change about what we did - I wish we had prioritised that because a regular scheduled break of a few hours would have been very good for my own mental health. In that first year I felt like I was on a hamster wheel and I could not keep up - I never had a moment to breathe.
It’s hard to say too much specifically as depression varies so much - if he really physically can’t cope with taking care of the children then that’s different, but if he’s being proactive about getting better then I’d give him some time until things improve. However, if he’s managing to go to work every day then it seems he should be able to manage to do more parenting.
Of course, if he’s suicidal and bedbound that’s a very different scenario than if he’s using relatively mild depression to shirk responsibility. I don’t know which it is. Regardless, medication should help him get to the point where he can be more objective and see more clearly. I do think that spending time caring for the twins will help him though - it’s how we bond with them, and that won’t happen without him doing the work.