Struggling to cope with depressed DH

[Nuckyscarnation]

Really could do with some advice regarding coping strategies to deal with DH and his depression.

For context, he has a history of depression, self harm etc (as do I) We have nine month old twins. They are ivf babies and we’re much wanted by both of us (or so I thought!) A year ago we moved to a different part of country to be nearer my parents. It’s been hard on DH. He had to leave a job he enjoyed and he doesn’t like his new one. It’s poorly paid and I’m not working atm so we have barely any money. He doesn’t know anyone here apart from my parents and a few of my friends. The babies were premature and spent quite a lot of time in NICU.
He’s been saying for months that he isn’t happy and it’s clear he is depressed. He has nothing to say to me a lot of the time and just stares off into space. He’s always tired. He doesn’t pull his weight around the house and I easily do 80% of the childcare. I feel like a single parent somedays...

He’s on antidepressants and has just started accessing NHS counselling. Things just don’t seem to be improving though. He says he loves the babies but doesn’t think he’s very good with them. When we argue he’ll say it was my dream to have them and that he’s always just gone along with what I wanted.

I love him but I feel so lost. The worst part of me is frankly furious with him for going on like this when I already have enough to deal with with the babies. I know that’s not fair of me though.

I don’t know what to do. I just want us to be happy with our little family

I’ll bet he did think it was a good idea, since it means having another woman on hand to make sure he doesn’t have to do any solo parenting.

OP, your bar is so low - there are two babies and his list of duties extends to a few nappies, some dressing and a bit of play time? He expects your mother to be present any time you have plans?! The more you post, the more cross I am on your behalf!

Honestly I would start being a lot firmer - it’s tough love. I’m sure his self esteem must be low given he has two children and apparently can’t look after them! It’s strategic incompetence at its finest.

Solo parenting is hard, let alone with 2 babies and depression.

@MerryMarigold He is doing it alongside me and my DM. He has been for the last nine months. Nothing is improving so please tell me what else I should do? Yes solo parenting is hard. I should know...I’m doing it most of the time!

@bluntness we moved for a few reasons. I basically had a cheap flat through my job in our city (London) I couldn’t keep on in the job and we couldn’t afford to rent in the city. I was eligible to get on the housing register back where Im from though. Plus we have my parents to help here. I’d have had no help at all in London. DH wanted to move, said he hated London and that he preferred where I was from. It was me who was gutted to leave London. Now we’re here though he hates it. Says the people are backward, there’s no jobs, infrastructure etc. It’s just exhausting.

I think I just feel like we’re so far down his priority list. I’ve just heard him stirring upstairs. I thought he might be getting up, but he’s just gone to the toilet and back to bed without even popping his head down the stairs to check how we are. We’ve got two teething babies here, one of which is ill and feverish. Surely he should WANT to check how his poorly daughter is. He’s had seven hours sleep ffs!

See, that doesn’t sound like someone who’s a good DH and father but who’s battling mental illness. It sounds like someone who just can’t be arsed. Of course I could be completely misreading it.

But even at my most depressed or ill, I would not leave a sleep deprived DH with teething, screaming twin babies while I had 7 straight hours of sleep (mine are getting on for 3 and I still don’t get 7 hours of sleep most nights!) and not even be arsed to check in with him while I’m already up and going to the toilet.

What was he like with responsibilities, chores etc before the twins?

What sort of job does he do? Does he delegate all of his work to his colleagues because he’s not up to it? Is he capable of performing simple repeated tasks at work or remembering what needs to be done? I’m just trying to work out if he’s able to pick and choose when he’s useless, or if he’s really struggling to function. I’d be signed off work long before I stopped being able to look after my children!

He is depressed, no energy. 7 his isn't much. I can do 12 easy and still feel rough. He's trying be going to the doctor. I think you need to think of your end goal. If you moan, yell, resent and treat him like you despise him, it's likely to get worse. Actually it will definitely get worse. But it's up to you. If you want him to start helping more, break it down. I'm doing breakfast today, you can do tomorrow.

@MerryMarigold seven hours isn’t much??? I’ve not had seven hours sleep in 24 hours since these babies were born. Do you know who gives a fuck? No one

And I don’t treat him like I despise him. He gives as good as he gets. I asked why he didn’t check on us when he got up to the toilet and his answer was that he was tired and I shouldn’t start an argument!

@SinkGirl He’s a support worker. On night shifts he’s very honest about the fact he just sits on his bum looking at his phone. He does work incredibly child unfriendly days though. He’s either on nights, meaning he’s in bed all day or on 12 hour day shifts.

I do think it’s the depression causing his detachment. When he got up he asked how babies had been etc (my dm had taken our little boy over there’s for a few hours) but he didn’t go to take our daughter off me or hold her. In had to ask if he wanted to cuddle her in the end.
He has his first proper therapy session tomorrow so we’ll see how that goes.

He’s always had a very detached attitude about people. Not close to his family etc, but he always adored me so I overlooked it. Now he’s clearly less adoring of me it’s becoming more apparent how detached he is. He had quite a traumatic childhood and I often wonder if he might have some form of PTSD?

7 hours is bloody much when you have twins though! I have a diagnosis of ME because of severe chronic fatigue, which I had before the twins were born. My DH knew from discussions before conceiving that I’d need help at night when things were really bad, and he did help out a lot during the night especially in the first 7 months while I was pumping as I would never have slept otherwise. But even now I’d throw a street party if I got 7 hours sleep!

Nevertheless, I think the point OP is making is how differently they feel about their responsibility as parents- even if she had a night shift and a competent parent for a partner so she could go to bed for a whole day, she wouldn’t be able to, and certainly as soon as she woke up she’d be immediately in to see the babies.

I get it OP, I really do. Did he do night shifts before you moved? I’m wondering if that’s a factor in his mental health

OP, I’ve been looking into EMDR for PTSD and I saw an online EMDR service the other day - you can get a week’s free trial then it’s nowhere near as expensive as in person EMDR. I’m going to try it.

@Sinkgirl Seven hours would be sheer bliss wouldn’t it? I’d feel like a new woman after that much sleep!

Glad to hear your DH mucked in at night. To be fair to my DH he did share the load when we were first out of NICU and lb had to have bottles of ebm every three hours. It’s easier just to feed them myself at night now though and I honestly don’t mind. It’s the days that infuriate me.

You’re totally right. It’s the different parenting attitude that upsets me. How can he just go back to bed without even quickly checking on his poorly baby and wife? It’s the lack of consideration that I struggle with.

Do you have a link for the EMDR please? I’ll check it out

Sure it’s virtualemdr.com/programs

1 week free trial and a 30 day money back guarantee. 3 months access was about $70 I think, or it’s cheaper for a longer subscription.

(I’m not on commission by the way 😂, I just saw it advertised here after I said I was going to look for treatment locally)

DH spent 24 hours in bed recently when he had a stomach bug. He was really sick, I get it. But I’ve just had a lung infection and I didn’t spend any days in bed. Last sick bug we had, I was vomiting over the toilet while holding a vomiting twin over the bath. My last period I was dosed up on oramorph and bent double but I still made their lunch and got them down for their nap before I lay down.

My mental and physical health has taken a complete hammering since they were born, and especially since all their developmental issues, ASD diagnosis and other diagnoses. I’ve lost whole days / weeks to uncontrollable crying, shaking, anxiety. I’ve also had some awful periods of PTSD issues relating to previous abuse which has knocked me for six. I also have endometriosis and adenomyosis which has worsened so much since they were born that some days I’ve barely been able to move, and I once injured my back so badly I needed diazepam. One of them badly scratched my cornea and the treatment made me feel so ill. I’ve had such bad fatigue that I thought I’d never be able to lift them to change them.

But I’ve still dragged myself out of bed every single day of the last 32 months and taken the best care of them I can physically manage (which some days has been lying on the sofa while they watch Hey Duggee for hours, in fairness) because I have to. Seems like your DH (and mine, to a lesser extent) feel like parenting is something they can take time off from if they’re not up to it, like a job. I learnt very quickly that I couldn’t do that. That’s the difference and it’s galling.

Agree sinkgirl.

OP I have been where you are, lots of similarities except one baby not two, and no family nearby and no friends in the new rural location! It was a dark dark time but we are (mostly) out of the other side of it now.

My strategy was:

1. Support DH as much as I could but not at a detriment to myself
2. Ensure he knew his mental health was his responsibility and I would only support him if he was getting help
3. Ensure he knew it was a deal breaker for me - if he didn’t work to deal with his mental health problems, I was not up for a life like this. He knew I was 100% serious and I think it scared him into action.
4. Also keep reminding him that it would affect our child seeing him like this (to encourage him to get help)
5. I found coping strategies and support elsewhere for me for a while as I realised he just didn’t have the emotional resources or energy to support me
6. Made sure I got out to do things by myself as much as possible. It wasn’t much but I fought for it!! Also made sure I wasn’t hemmed in by his illness. Made myself go out and do things even if I was feeling ground down by his mood.

I now realise I was very very low myself during that time but the above things worked. DH got help, also started doing more exercise and he takes responsibility for managing his MH now which makes All the difference. Our little girl adores him and he adores her. He still has the odd bad day and it is still bloody hard when those days come but he is miles miles better and I am too.

I really hope things improve for you.

My general advice is to lay it on the line, stand up for yourself even while being supportive . It is possible. Wishing you both well, it’s so so tough.