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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum of 2, engaged and confused.

51 replies

lostmummyof2 · 11/05/2019 03:53

Hi I’m just looking for some advice really.

I’m almost 21 I have two kids (twins) with my partner of two years. I absolutely love him but lately I’m just so miserable. I feel like he doesn’t appreciate anything I do, I look after our children as they are still only very young, I work, I clean and cook and do all of our washing etc he comes home from work and just sits on his phone 24/7 I’ve tried to talk to him about it so many times but he just snaps at me and bites my head off so it turns into a petty argument. I feel like absolute crap and unappreciated but it’s so hard because I love him and he is the father of my children. However somebody that I have a lot of history with in the past a few years back has recently started to talk to me at first he showed no signs of anything like that it was just general friendly conversation. But even with that he seems genuinely interested in how my day is or if I’m tired or how I’m feeling? I’m in a predicament because I have never cheated in my life and I never want to I don’t believe in cheating I think if you are that unhappy
You should leave somebody before destroying them like that. But I am craving affection and this bloke gives me that sort of attention and if it was from anybody else I could easily ignore it but because it is coming from this one person it’s hard as when we had a thing a few years back he never showed me this sort of affection and I wanted him to so badly but it just didn’t work out like that back then. I do not want to betray my partner at all but he won’t go to any form of counselling or anything so we can sit and work anything out he won’t even talk to me about it his head is literally stuck in his phone all the time. Most of the time he comes home from work doesn’t really acknowledge our kids and then can’t wait to ship them off to bed so he can play his games on his phone. It’s not fair I’m tired I’m fed up and I feel like I am a single parent to our children. He is older than me he will be 24 this year. As I said I would never ever want to betray him but I just feel pure guilt for allowing this other person to even talk to me. Please can somebody give me
Some advice, don’t be nasty or harsh I just don’t know where we go from here. ☹️

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/05/2019 04:15

Please don't marry this man because it will be the biggest mistake of your life. He is showing you clearly who he really is. Get rid and move on.

Xmasfairy86 · 11/05/2019 04:37

You have to make him understand how you’re feeling. Even if this other person wasn’t giving you the attention you want, you’d still be in a pretty miserable place.

Was he like this before kids?
Has he changed?
He needs to know what you need out of this relationship, he needs to step up as a father as well as a partner.

Original poster
lostmummyof2 · 11/05/2019 07:33

No he wasn’t like this before the kids. I know he loves our kids but they just seem like an inconvenience to him even when he has to look after them for even an hour it’s like a chore to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostmummyof2 · 11/05/2019 07:34

But I love him ☹️ And he’s the father of my children. Surely that should be a reason to try and fix stuff??

OP posts:
mrbob · 11/05/2019 07:39

That should be a reason for HIM to fix things but it isn’t apparently. Sometimes you can’t fix things despite your best efforts (especially if he is not on the same page)
Do you really want another 60 years of this?
Get out now and be single for a while and then see how you feel

babbi · 11/05/2019 07:41

You cannot fix this ... only he can .
He is lazy and selfish .
I wasted 18 years with a man exactly like that - please don’t do that .
Life is too short and additionally you should be enjoying your twins while feeling happy , content and positive ( though tired etc ! )
Not while you are carrying frustrations and resentment.
Thousands of mumsnet regulars can attest to this .

My suggestion is have a long straight discussion.. he needs to get his act together and put his phone down and get involved in the family and all the work that is require to be done . Or you will go it alone ..and mean it .... no second chances....

So wish I had left years before I did .

Good luck and prepare to go it alone leave other man out of the equation for now ..

RantyAnty · 11/05/2019 07:47

You are both so very young. That is probably the main issue. It's just going to take a while to grow up.

This other guy just sees you as vulnerable and is telling you what you want to hear to get into your pants. That's the only reason he's sniffing around.

Stop talking to the other guy and schedule some counselling and parenting classes for you both. I think you both just need a little guidance.

Bluntness100 · 11/05/2019 07:51

I also suspect your ages have something to do with this. You're twenty and twenty three, already have two kids, when most your ages are out partying and travelling, starting a career, doing fun things.

I suspect right now it's not you, it's life. He's made a life for himself he's likely not mature enough for. You both need to sit down and talk about how to move forward as you're both responsible for the life decisions you've taken, and he can't be a passenger in that,

Original poster
lostmummyof2 · 11/05/2019 08:37

No I don’t want to be old and still dealing with this. He isn’t all bad just sometimes well 80% of the time he can be quite selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostmummyof2 · 11/05/2019 08:38

It’s hard because he’s not all bad and I could be with somebody a lot worse. He’s not a horrible person maybe I’m just over reacting???

OP posts:
Original poster
lostmummyof2 · 11/05/2019 08:41

I know we are young. I was told after having a cancerous tumour at a young age that the chances of me ever having children were near impossible, so when I found out I was pregnant at 19 with twins I was scared, but I would never ever change it as they are my miracle. I feel like only one of our lives changed when we became parents. But although I am young, I’m a good mum. Maybe he should go to parenting classes but I definitely don’t need to I have been mum dad and everyone else to our kids since they were born.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostmummyof2 · 11/05/2019 08:44

Maybe I should just do it on my own? I feel like I have been for the last 10 months.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 11/05/2019 08:52

If you have only been together 2 years then you are just seeing the true him. However if you add in twins then it's no wonder you are both struggling adjusting to life.

I think the conversation has to be about yours and his happiness.. maybe this is not what he expected his life to be like either at such a young age. If you talk to each other it is important to listen and let each other say how they feel.

Most young people would be planning holidays, nights out etc so you both have skipped this stage. I can see why that would make you both miserable however the twins are here so it is a case of getting through with hopefully help from parents.

The first 2 years will be super tough. Do you have support from family of you decided to go solo?

Catren · 11/05/2019 08:54

I think you need to sit him down and tell him you're not happy, tell him the reasons why, ask him what he intends to do to change and show you he values and loves you (and the kids). If he doesn't see the seriousness in what you're saying, and want to talk openly about the relationship then i don't think it's likely to improve. I would tell him you're worth more than this and ask him to leave. Perhaps some space would make him see sense.

I wouldn't advise seeking a new relationship with the other guy so soon. Sort out your life now, do what makes you happy in any 'you time' you can manage, and you'll gain confidence to demand more than "he's not horrible" - that shouldn't be what you're aiming for in a relationship!

Best of luck, it sounds miserable, you're worth more.

BelulahBlanca · 11/05/2019 09:07

Does he know how you feel? Have you explicitly told him?

Can your parents have the twins once a month or so so you and DP can go out?

Original poster
lostmummyof2 · 11/05/2019 09:12

Yes I’m thinking maybe this wasn’t the life he wanted, and I would never force this upon him when I’ve tried to talk to him before I have said to him I understand if it is too much and you need to go I understand. But it isn’t too much for me I love being a parent. I feel like maybe because I was told
I probably couldn’t have children that they are just so special like miracles to me. Maybe it’s different for him? I just don’t know. Yes I have very supportive family. I don’t want to be on my own I absolutely adore and love him. I want to stay as a family but he’s making it feel impossible he’s just so engrossed in his phone it’s so hard. The other bloke is the last thing on my cards, I would never betray my partner in that way it was just hard to get the attention I should be receiving off my partner from someone else.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 11/05/2019 09:15

Ye are so young. Guys mature later. My ds is 23 and l couldn't see him last a day with twins. I think you should go it alone as difficult as that is. . He will only frustrate you and give you another person to care for with nothing in return. But don't rush in to another relationship with this other guy as that would be a disaster. Do you have family to support you? I feel for you being so young with 2 DC to care for.
Just tell your dp he has to leave as he is making no effort to engage in family life. Try not to get into a big argument just keep it simple as you will only exhaust yourself and get nowhere. He is obviously too immature. But make sure he takes the children and steps up to form a relationship with them.

Original poster
lostmummyof2 · 11/05/2019 09:27

Yes so many times but he doesn’t listen he just strops off or has a go at me. Yes they could. I don’t think it helps him that his family don’t bother with our kids at all, even though they have two other grandchildren as well none of his brothers etc bother either so I think that makes him feel shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostmummyof2 · 11/05/2019 09:43

But the thing is I don’t trust him to look after our kids, he doesn’t watch them he is on his phone all the time or falling asleep.

OP posts:
birdonawire1 · 11/05/2019 09:44

Don't get married! It will just complicate the situation. You are being taken for a mug and used by your partner. His behaviour is appalling and if it's bad now once you are married it will be far worse. Feeling used and ignored is a massive red flag to walk away.

Original poster
lostmummyof2 · 11/05/2019 11:02

Is it really that bad or am I just being stupid? Like just a moany partner? I’m not sure anymore.

OP posts:
Figure8 · 11/05/2019 11:12

No, you're not being moany.

Maybe try and have a conversation with him about chores, and childcare responsibilities.
Perhaps he needs things to be set out?
I find sometimes that women think that some chores are completely obvious, while men don't always see it that way.

Lllot5 · 11/05/2019 11:20

Well I would postpone the wedding firstly.
The other man is just sniffing round because he can sense you’re vulnerable, so ignore him.
Really really tell your partner how you feel and what your thinking feeling, it’s then up to him to try to meet you half way at least.
And when pp have suggested parenting classes it’s not to suggest you’re not a good mum it’s just to give you some support and advice. I had my children young and it’s hard. I couldn’t have done it on my own. Flowers

LannieDuck · 11/05/2019 11:26

The other man is a red herring. You need to figure out if you want to be in your current relationship or not first.

I couldn't quite work out from your post - do you and your partner both work FT? If so, why does he think you should be doing all the housework and childcare while he does none?

Mabelface · 11/05/2019 11:45

His age has nothing to do with it. He doesn't respect you and sees you as the maid of all work. My exdh was 24 when we had triplets. He did an equal share of the work. He needs to shape up or get out.