Mum of 2, engaged and confused.

[lostmummyof2]

Hi I’m just looking for some advice really.

I’m almost 21 I have two kids (twins) with my partner of two years. I absolutely love him but lately I’m just so miserable. I feel like he doesn’t appreciate anything I do, I look after our children as they are still only very young, I work, I clean and cook and do all of our washing etc he comes home from work and just sits on his phone 24/7 I’ve tried to talk to him about it so many times but he just snaps at me and bites my head off so it turns into a petty argument. I feel like absolute crap and unappreciated but it’s so hard because I love him and he is the father of my children. However somebody that I have a lot of history with in the past a few years back has recently started to talk to me at first he showed no signs of anything like that it was just general friendly conversation. But even with that he seems genuinely interested in how my day is or if I’m tired or how I’m feeling? I’m in a predicament because I have never cheated in my life and I never want to I don’t believe in cheating I think if you are that unhappy
You should leave somebody before destroying them like that. But I am craving affection and this bloke gives me that sort of attention and if it was from anybody else I could easily ignore it but because it is coming from this one person it’s hard as when we had a thing a few years back he never showed me this sort of affection and I wanted him to so badly but it just didn’t work out like that back then. I do not want to betray my partner at all but he won’t go to any form of counselling or anything so we can sit and work anything out he won’t even talk to me about it his head is literally stuck in his phone all the time. Most of the time he comes home from work doesn’t really acknowledge our kids and then can’t wait to ship them off to bed so he can play his games on his phone. It’s not fair I’m tired I’m fed up and I feel like I am a single parent to our children. He is older than me he will be 24 this year. As I said I would never ever want to betray him but I just feel pure guilt for allowing this other person to even talk to me. Please can somebody give me
Some advice, don’t be nasty or harsh I just don’t know where we go from here. ☹️

It’s hard because I know we are young but I love him and he is the father of my children and I have a lot of respect for him, yes we both work FT and he just doesn’t understand that I’m tired too, it’s like he thinks I’m super woman. He just does silly things like last night I was up with our kids as one of them has health problems he struggles to sleep. I wear absolutely exhausted by 5:45 am when they were both awake and wanting to get up, I asked him to get up with them so I could get some sleep. He got up with them however at 6:30/7 am. I’m woken up by my phone on loud ringing in my ear it made me jump. He had purposely took my phone from the side turned it on loud put it right next to my ear and called me. Who the hell does that!? I asked him why he would do that and his response was ‘get up’ ‘ I warned you last night you would be doing the feed this morning’ ugh please am I just over reacting I am absolutely drained and I’m so fed up😩.

That's just mean.

Why do you respect him? He doesn't respect you.

You both work FT. Why does he think he doesn't have to do any housework or childcare?

That's outrageous behavior.

If you both work full-time, you should each be doing 50% of the domestic labor. You can split that however you like--so, e.g., you could take the childcare and he could do all the chores (including shopping, cooking, washing up, laundry, etc.). Or you could split the kid time, without phones, and also the chores.

But do you think he'd ever do that? If the answer is no, you're setting yourself up for decades of unhappiness. Decades.

Every situation is different. Recently my h announced he wants to leave and that he only married me because of our daughter. Our lives have been good, I honestly wouldn't have changed much (especially as we have a second dd) but this makes me think, i wouldn't be in this bad situation if he was honest then.

Don't make and rash decisions but think what you really want, what your options are if you went it alone, could you coparent with him living separate lives (I've met people who have done this amazingly btw),

I respect him because he is the father of my children. But yes as you said I’m not so sure the respect is there for me. Because he is literally just interested in playing games on his phone. It’s like he looks after our sons and that’s a chore to him and he’ll come to me and say ‘but they want you’ . But he just doesn’t do anything he is very lazy, he takes his clothes off and steps out of them and leaves them there, if I don’t pick them up they will stay there for god knows how long. I’m fed up of feeling like I have 3 kids to look after, we should be a team and I keep saying this to him he agrees and everything is nice and helpful for one day and then after that back to normal.

Which parts of the housework does he do? Cooking? Cleaning? Shopping? Gardening? Paperwork?

...because he should be doing half.

Just because he could be a lot worse, doesn’t mean you should not take that chance to be with someone a lot better.

I don’t respect the father of my child. I think he’s a bloody moron. Your partner needs to earn your respect.

Please stop staying you love and respect him because he is the father of your children. From what you are saying he doesn't show any interest, finds it a chore to look after them etc. This behaviour doesn't deserve love and respect.

You deserve better, talk to him and ask him to leave. It will be hard at first but tiyr life will be so much fuller.

None of it? Sometimes he’ll put a few loads of washing on if I ask him.

It’s hard because he wasn’t like this before we had our children. To me my life changed for the better. I’m just worried that nobody will ever love me like he does and really I don’t want to be on my own with two children. I mean I can do it but I don’t really want to.

ugh it’s just hard 😞 nobody has ever loved me like he has, he’s given me children which are an absolute miracle for me. But I’m so drained and fed up. It hurts. I don’t want to be without him but I don’t think I can keep going.

I really don’t mean to be harsh but in what way is he showing that he loves you? Love is an action not a word. And his actions aren’t saying he loves you. He sounds very selfish with an attitude that his life should be changed as little as possible. He isn’t someone to respect.

Why not have a break from each other while you figure things out? Ask him to leave for 2 weeks. It sounds like his family are nearby. Could he stay with them??

IMO he is not treating either you or his children as you deserve to be treated. So he doesn’t deserve your love or respect.

Being a parent is hard. Being a solo parent because you have a lazy selfish partner is even harder. Making a break while your kids are too young to remember any different can make it easier for them. It also gives you a chance to figure out what you want and need from a relationship and then go and find that.
I wish you well

You don't need to cheat to get out of an unhappy relationship. You can either try talking to him (haven't RTFT) and working through things, telling him what he needs to be doing - yes sometimes you need to be that obvs - give him a chance or if it's already past that tell him you're done with the relationship. Keep it amicable if possible for the kids sake.

Then in time, if this guy is still genuinely interested see what happens. But don't rush into anything. You've got very serious very quick at a young age and need some time to find out who you are, what you want etc

I hope you have support.

You're not being moany. You are being unsupported, undervalued and disregarded. As are your DCs. He didn't "give you" you babies good grief your body did that - yours. Bluntly, any sperm would have done the trick, it was your body that held, nurtured and delivered those babies and if anyone deserves lasting gratitude for that it is you not him.

You would find love and support elsewhere if you part from your P. You would not be alone for ever. If you stay with him you will be alone emotionally and practically, for ever. He needs about 15 years and a hell of a lot of life experience to grow up. You sound like you have grown up. Your life as a mother will be way way way easier without the tensions resentment and added work of living with him.
Good luck

And of course it was wonderful and all hearts and flowers and hot sex and feeling adored and loved, at first. It always is. That's the whole point of it. It's chemical, not a credit to him. What makes someone as a keeper is how they are after those early days have past, or when things get tough. He's not a keeper. Sorry

Please do not marry. I was in a similar situation at 25. Now at 45, we're separating but I know I have spent 20 years, trying to make a man like this happy and appreciate me. It's utterly depressing. Stay together, work on it, communicate, but don't marry or let him remain as disconnected as now. Expect change and meet him half way.

It sounds awful.
Go your separate ways.

He's awful. I don't understand why so many women put up with this shite. He's not only lazy, he's awful to you.
Of course you will fall in love again.
Do you want your twins to think this is normal behaviour? Boys can become their fathers and girls can end up with a man like their father. You need to end it with him, you're a single mum anyway.

So lostmummyof2, you shop, cook, clean, pick up after him; you wash his clothes, and put them away. Do you wipe his nose and arse for him too ?
You are a single parent to three children. Good luck with your life. It sounds miserable.

What would he say if you sat him down with a list of chores and said:

"I'm fed up of doing everything. You're an equal partner in this household. We need to agree which half are my chores, and which half you'll do"?

Avoid OM: an affair is not the solution.

Your DP is being a poor parent and father. If he is unwilling to change, ending the relationship would be sensible, whenever works best for you in terms of work, housing etc. Seems likely he would only want the DC every other weekend and he could be crap with maintenance too, so plan for that scenario- if he steps up as a separated parent, great.

Very unlikely that you’d never find a better relationship - this one is crap and his behaviour isn’t loving at all.

Stop doing domestic work for him, eg washing his clothes and cooking. Just sort out yourself and DC.

nobody has ever loved me like he has

But you’re 21. Very few people had loved me at that age, apart from my parents. And does he love you? Really? Because he isn’t showing you he loves you, or your children.

You aren’t being moany, hormonal, or any of the excuses that many women use to excuse their crappy partners.

He doesn’t respect you. You’re all give give give, what does he give back?

He does fuck all. Sits on his phone. What’s the point of him? Think about the role model he is to your children and what he’s teaching them, especially as they’re boys.

He’s failing you as a partner and he’s failing his own children.