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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBXH trying to talk me out of my own place.

39 replies

Ihavehadenoughalready · 11/05/2019 01:44

I am at the point of signing a year lease on a three bedroom apt to be shared with kids 50/50.

Now STBXH is trying to convince me that we should instead get a one bedroom and we switch off living there and the kids can always stay in the house.

Anybody share why this might be bad idea? He’s driving me a little nuts as we live in same house.

I would be moving in July if I sign the lease.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavehadenoughalready · 11/05/2019 01:49

I’m really kind of excited about getting my own place but the point he makes about it being cheaper does sway me slightly. Ever so slightly.

I honestly think he’s afraid he won’t be able to maintain house payments without me.

He also seems to think the kids will be traumatized having to switch between places.

So, what do you think? I have a few days to sign the lease.

OP posts:
aidelmaidel · 11/05/2019 01:51

It would drive me bonkers sharing space with someone like that, personally. I mean could you really trust him to do his share of cleaning up?

Weenurse · 11/05/2019 01:53

What is best for the kids, how old are they and how long does he expect this to go on?

Original poster
Ihavehadenoughalready · 11/05/2019 01:56

I have to confess one good thing to his plan is I could see my dog, who I would miss because no dogs at apartment and therefore our dog will stay at the house.

On the other hand, I’d have to look at all H’s crap laying all over the house, another plus for my own place.

Do I really want to share a house even after we’re divorced? I think it would complicate the settlement.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavehadenoughalready · 11/05/2019 02:00

@aidelmaidel

Uh, no.

@weenurse

Two teens and one preteen.....and, I dunno, forever?

OP posts:
Weenurse · 11/05/2019 02:18

I suggest making a clean break, his plan would drive me nuts.
Sorry about your dog

Original poster
Ihavehadenoughalready · 11/05/2019 02:29

Sorry about your dog

Thanks.

Pretty sad I’ll miss dog more than H.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 11/05/2019 02:58

Make a clean break.

How would you feel if he had a new GF sleeping in the bed of the 1 bed flat the days you had the kids? How would you like having all of his clothes etc in your space? You would have no real privacy and be too entangled.

Halo84 · 11/05/2019 03:01

Why not ask your teens? I have friends who said they resented being shuffled back and forth like a football.

You could try it for three or six months to see if it works. I would not commit to longer than that.

TheGrapefulDread · 11/05/2019 03:08

No way. So you have no sanctuary or privacy away from him! Good grief, what about if/when he brings someone else into the flat or shags someone in the flat - in the bed you get the following week. It sounds like a terrible idea to me. Does he have control or independence issues ?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/05/2019 03:31

Your ex is being fucking ridiculous. I can't imagine a plan any more stupid than this.

ShinyShoe · 11/05/2019 03:37

Nope. How do either of you move on with your lives. What happens when you want to bring boyfriends home? The kids will get used to it surely?

justilou1 · 11/05/2019 03:45

Can you imagine what state it would be in after a week of you not being there? It would be like they had a free cleaner when it was his turn to have the house!!! Then imagine schlepping back to the flatknowing he’s been using it as a bachelor pad while you’ve been cleaning up after him and the kids all week, knowing you’re going to have to clean up after all the ummmm.... “boy germs” that have accumulated in that time as well? It would hardly be a haven during your week off.... The resentment factor would be higher than ever!!!

LellyMcKelly · 11/05/2019 05:22

This is called ‘nesting’. I did it for awhile when my ex and I split, but it wasn’t sustainable long term. There was still the expectation that I’d do more of the housework, etc. which had to discussed on a few occasions but then when new partners came on the scene it was unsustainable. I’d make the clean break now. It will have to be done at some point. This just prolongs the agony and gives him a hold over you.

WillLokireturn · 11/05/2019 05:40

It's a terrible idea. Please don't do this. You are much better to move on with your life and have some stability with your own place. The children will be happier long term, if you are settled and at peace with your own privacy and space.

SimonJT · 11/05/2019 05:44

I know someone who did similar, when they divorced the children stayed in the family home, but both parents bought flats to live in. So the children lived in the family home all the time and the parents lived in it 50/50.

chatwoo · 11/05/2019 09:56

Clean break. It would be like you were sharing a house, and you'd both be there at 'changeover' time etc...

LemonTT · 11/05/2019 10:52

Stupid idea which will be even more confusing for the children and I think your ex. He needs to come to terms with the separation and divorce. He needs to come to terms with the fact your finances are going to take a hit. Couples who enter into these ridiculous half in half out arrangements are just storing up and usually building up more and more complications for everyone around the,

Better that he realises he can’t afford the marital home now than during your financial negotiations. This is his problem. Suggest that he puts the house on the market now. Start the divorce application. Accept the house is going if neither of you can afford it.

SavingSpaces2019 · 11/05/2019 13:46

so basically you'd still be sharing your 'personal' living space and bed with his future gf's?
I can't believe you're even considering this - he must have done a right number on you!

He's trying to control you so don't let him.

NineinaBed · 11/05/2019 13:52

That is a bad bad idea. Definitely go for a clean break.

BumbleBeee69 · 11/05/2019 13:53

No way. So you have no sanctuary or privacy away from him! Good grief, what about if/when he brings someone else into the flat or shags someone in the flat - in the bed you get the following week. It sounds like a terrible idea to me. Does he have control or independence issues ?

Your ex is being fucking ridiculous. I can't imagine a plan any more stupid than this.

All of the above ....

lalaloopyhead · 11/05/2019 13:54

I couldn't do this. I can see the advantages for the kids but you will still effectively be sharing your home(s) with your ex. I would want a clean break and for every one to move on. What happens if either of you meet someone new?

It is a good thing to put the kids first but this takes that idea way too far.

CarolDanvers · 11/05/2019 13:55

Yes amicable and great for the kids until there's a big row and he refuses to fuck off when it's your "turn". Don't do it. You'll regret it.

AuntMarch · 11/05/2019 13:59

I honestly don't think I could sleep in a bed used by my ex now.
The thought of him even "alone", let alone if he manages to meet someone else as dumb as me to share it with.... Ughhhh.

RantyAnty · 11/05/2019 14:07

Hell to the nah.

Get your apartment and enjoy having your own place.