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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

STBXH trying to talk me out of my own place.

39 replies

Ihavehadenoughalready · 11/05/2019 01:44

I am at the point of signing a year lease on a three bedroom apt to be shared with kids 50/50.

Now STBXH is trying to convince me that we should instead get a one bedroom and we switch off living there and the kids can always stay in the house.

Anybody share why this might be bad idea? He’s driving me a little nuts as we live in same house.

I would be moving in July if I sign the lease.

OP posts:
Lunde · 11/05/2019 14:13

Get your own place as his idea means you will effectively have no proper home for the foreseeable future. It will feel like camping and be difficult for you to start a new life when you are constantly packing up everything to move in and out each week.

What will happen if you and him get new partners etc. Frankly I have only heard of this arrangement where there are several preschoolers or SN kids who have specialist equipment that cannot be moved.

RandomMess · 11/05/2019 14:13

Urgh a compromise could be a two bed and you can lock your door so he can't go through your stuff but what if he leaves the shared areas as a tip/dirty/expects you to do his wife work still?

Ihavehadenoughalready · 11/05/2019 14:18

Thanks everyone for your input.

H has always wanted his way, I see him as controlling. Of course, he sees me as controlling.

So, in light of that, I feel if I were to “give in” to his suggestion, he will feel he’s “won”.

I honestly think the kids are looking forward to the apartment I’ve chosen because of things they’ve said.

The downside to me financially is that I want to buy my own place but will be renting for a year before that can happen due to uncertainty of settlement and its timing and me needing to get the heck away from him ASAP.

Living in the house with him now is just very uncomfortable and I look forward to getting stuff that I choose. It’s always been for him about getting cheap used furniture, for instance, doing updates in the cheapest manner, and I am ready for a little nicer things. This sounds so petty when I read it back!

He buys so much junk food all the time too when it’s his turn to shop. He tries to help with laundry and ends up leaving his clothes in the washer or the dryer for days sometimes. (I refuse to take care of his stuff anymore as he’s home more than me as it is) I can see that wouldn’t change if we shared the house.

He also wants to do some other maintenance on the house yet and I’m suspicious that he would try to get that done and make me pay half if I’m still in it. He’s already threatened that, and I’ve told him that sort of thing could be negotiated during the settlement.

Ah well, I will still miss the dog the most!

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 11/05/2019 14:21

Find somewhere you can take the dog and not the DH.

RandomMess · 11/05/2019 14:23

Geez no way to sharing after that info!!!

I think he still wants to exercise control over you.

HollowTalk · 11/05/2019 14:26

Absolutely no way at all. Nobody would go for this.

Lunde · 11/05/2019 14:26

Jeez don't stay in this situation. He is continuing his controlling behaviour and will leave you with all of the housework!

Get your flat and enjoy your freedom!

BumbleBeee69 · 11/05/2019 14:33

I bet when your turn came to be 'in the family home' you would be cleaner housekeeper laundry master doing everything because you can bet he would do nothing in anticipation of your coming home. Hmm

FrogFairy · 11/05/2019 14:36

No way. Your own place will be your sanctuary.

category12 · 11/05/2019 14:38

No, you'd be daft to do that. you need your own space, somewhere free of him.

CharityDingle · 11/05/2019 14:42

Not petty at all, OP to be looking forward to nicer things. And absolutely no way would I agree to that suggestion. No way.

LemonTT · 11/05/2019 15:40

OP speak to a solicitor about putting down some rules on what happens with the house whilst you are separated. No unnecessary maintenance or development. What your continued interest is in the home and what you should be paying for. Although he will be paying the lions share, he gets to occupy all the house not just his half so it should be a neutral position. However you need to ensure that things are done when you move out. So the mortgage is paid, insurance kept up, essential maintenance agreed and undertaken.

SandyY2K · 11/05/2019 17:26

Stick to your plan OP. Make a clean break.

His suggestion is really for his benefit and as you said...I reckon he's worried about bill payments.

Jaxhog · 11/05/2019 17:34

Why isn't HE moving out of the house? Surely that would be easier than you and kids moving out? Then they don't have to change schools, you can keep the dog etc.

If the plan is for him to stay in the house, then go for the 3 bed apartment. But if your name is on the house, then insist either he gives you your half of the equity or it is sold. Otherwise you'll never be free of him.

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