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Original poster

In love with the dad

37 replies

Feelsweird · 10/05/2019 20:05

I only joined on a friend's recommendation.
I am so confused.
I am godmother to my friends' children. I worked with and became very good friends with the Dad about 15 years ago just as they were getting married. Love her. great friends.
She's had an affair about 2 years ago and I they have now divorced. Still keep in touch with both but met the Dad a few weeks ago whilst I was having fun with my godchildren.
Things have escalated.
I feel smitten (I am in my 40s and am single)
I really feel I want to have a relationship with him. But I am so worried that this will mess up a lovely relationship with my godchildren and my friends.
Gosh that was longer than expected and I know that MN likes brevity.

OP posts:
Middersweekly · 10/05/2019 21:23

From a moral POV you’re both single so can do as you please but...if you value your friendship with the guys ex wife then don’t go there! I think you have to decide on who you want to keep in your life! Personally I wouldn’t go there with a friends ex!

Singlenotsingle · 10/05/2019 21:28

Would it be an idea to check it out with his ExW? She might be pleased to think he's with a nice woman (and one who'll be good to her dc) rather than some random floozy?

Cottonwoolmouth · 10/05/2019 21:30

Don’t even go there. This will not end well

Original poster
Feelsweird · 10/05/2019 21:50

Thank you for your responses. I guessed I probably shouldn't go there but I feel so much for him.
When I say "escalated", it's only a bit flirty. I have always been"his" friend and her friend by association.
That sounds so rubbish. I know this is such dangerous territory, I just suddenly find him so attractive.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 10/05/2019 21:57

Why wouldn’t you go there?
His W left, and I presume has moved on.
People often end up dating old friends as they have history and feel comfortable together....
Plus - at this point - it’s not clear if he shares the attraction anyway.
Why not find out????

As as an additional bonus - his kids already know and like you. Who would they prefer their dad dated - a stranger they don’t know, or someone they like?

As to checking with the Ex - not sure why you’d need to. SHE had an affair. SHE left. She doesn’t get a say on who he dates.

Original poster
Feelsweird · 10/05/2019 22:28

Yes. His wife, my friend has certainly moved on. No longer with "affair guy" but new man. Seems nice.
It's the shift of my very good friend (him) suddenly becoming someone I fancy the pants off out of nowhere.
We have texted/messaged more in the past week than ever before. I don't know.
I am aware of the children and boundaries and all that stuff. So is he. As far as I know he hasn't had a relationship since the split.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 10/05/2019 22:32

Just take it slow, as any new relationship with a man who has kids.
He is overdue for moving on, wouldn’t you say?!!!

Original poster
Feelsweird · 10/05/2019 22:44

Oh I hope so (with me!). I feel like a giddy teenager! am really want him to feel the same

OP posts:
KOKOtiltomorrow · 10/05/2019 22:50

Only joined what?

Otterhound · 10/05/2019 22:53

His ex doesn't have a say. At all

If he is responsive go for it, whilst respecting the children. You and he owe the ex nothing.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/05/2019 22:56

Good luck to you-go for it!

CraftyYankee · 10/05/2019 22:56

If she had an affair and they're divorced she can't say anything. Go for it! (And report back) 😇

Original poster
Feelsweird · 10/05/2019 22:58

KOKotiltomorrow
Joined mumsnet

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 10/05/2019 23:24

I would go for it.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 10/05/2019 23:25

I can see literally no disadvantages to you going for it. Go. For. It. he is your friend, sounds like she came as a welcome bonus.

Gammeldragz · 10/05/2019 23:30

Don't deny yourself happiness because if what someone else may think if you, you aren't doing your friend any harm. If you're close then maybe talk to her, but either way you should definitely see where this goes.

Musti · 10/05/2019 23:31

Since she cheated and left him and he has been single for a while, I don't see the problem.

callmecrazybut · 10/05/2019 23:41

If he feels the same I think you should go for it. Keep it quiet for a good time, so if it doesn't work out she need never know. And if it does, then it'll be worth the risk of losing her - if she's any sort of a friend she'll be happy for you. Or at least pretend to be. I think he's got more to lose though, he'll want to keep things civil with her for the kids. Good luck and do keep us posted!

DieselSucker · 11/05/2019 01:01

Just be careful because if things don't work between you and him, your relationship with your Godchildren can get awkward

IncrediblySadToo · 11/05/2019 01:07

Personally, I wouldn’t do anything to risk my relationship with my Godchildren so I’d think very, very carefully before doing anything if I were you. One way or another, it’s bound to cause an issue. Unfortunately.

ShinyShoe · 11/05/2019 04:26

I think morally you are entirely in the clear here. She has no ownership of him! She had an affair, they’ve been apart for 2 years. She has somebody else, why shouldn’t he find happiness too? If she can’t be happy for you, then that makes her a shitty friend to be honest. She also doesn’t have a right to know anything right now. She only has a right to know if it ever will affect the children eg when you’re moving in together. Right now, you are both consenting, available adults with a right to privacy. Ask him on a date! Nobody else in the world needs to know right now.

Sux2buthen · 11/05/2019 05:22

Did someone actually say 'some floozy' upthreadHmm yuck.

Kazzz65 · 11/05/2019 05:50

Go for it, you might not find this again. His ex will just have to accept it but she will probably think you've been attracted from the very beginning. Just deal with that when it comes to it x

SimonJT · 11/05/2019 05:57

Go for it! I dated my best mate and I was semi mates with their ex, an ex partner isn’t property, if someone treats them as though they are, then that person isn’t worthy of the friendship.

Pataya54 · 11/05/2019 06:35

I'm surprised by the posters saying morally it's ok.

I feel strongly about this due to personal experience so forgive me if my post is too intense, I do not mean it in any rude or offensive sense to you or others who disagree.

I don't think that you should instigate anything with him because:

  • She is your friend. It doesn't matter whether she cheated on him, she trusted you and did not cheat on you. What's done between them is between them. She would, as a PP said wonder (and rightly so) if you had your eyes on him all along. If I was her I wouldn't see you in the same light again and may break the friendship over this.
  • You are their godmother. It will be confusing and hurtful for them. Most children do wish their parents would get back together. You 'stealing' their dad is confusing and a betrayal to them. As PP said, your relationship with them may be impossible or awkward if this blows up in your faces, then they are left with divorced parents (whom relation may even worsen due to you when it's probably finally getting better) and no godmother to boot.
  • He is her ex. Despite cheating on him ( and by the way you would not know everything that led to her cheating or how he actually was with her that may led to this even though you may think you do as a friend of both..you still don't know the whole story) in my view a moral code of sisterhood is not to date their exes! Even though she cheated, 2 wrongs don't make a right.
  • You risk losing your friendship with him, although this may be too late as you both have crossed the flirtation line, it seems from your post?

I personally would not date my friend's or sister's exes. PLENTY more men in the world! I would also not do anything to jeopardize my relationship with my godchildren.

The whole thing is so incestuous and confusing (yes I know what god children mean, it's not meant in a DNA sense but in my view in a moral sense).

I advise you to get some distant from the dad and maybe consider dating other men if you have the room and inclination for a relationship.

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