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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can cheaters change???

30 replies

Miimii786 · 10/05/2019 16:10

Hi ladies!
I really need advice....
To cut the long story short I caught my husband having an affair 3 months after we got married! Once I caught him red handed he had a panic attack and I have never seen him so sad. He swears he was feeling guilty already for cheating and had decided to cut it out before I found out.
But can a cheater change?
Whenever I bring up the topic about him cheating he can’t take it. He starts having panic attacks where he starts crying or gets extremely angry explaining himself. He never use to have such a bad anger before this incident, it’s like this incident kills him inside when I bring it up! But I can’t help it!
I never ever thought he would be he type to cheat.... we went through to such just to be together!
What shall I do...? :( how do I forgive and forget?

OP posts:
NabooThatsWho · 10/05/2019 16:12

How long did the affair last?

NellaBonella · 10/05/2019 16:13

He's being emotional to bully you into being quiet about the whole thing.
He didn't admit to anything. You found out and he has fed you what you want to hear, saying he was going to stop.
This man doesn't respect you enough to own up and discuss the pain he has caused you. He obviously knows that he can keep up the dramatics and you'll back down.
He doesn't sound like a catch OP

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/05/2019 16:13

how do I forgive and forget?

Why would you want to? He cheated after 3 months? Why did he even bother getting married?

Now he's gaslighting you whenever you bring it up? He sounds like an absolute wanker to be honest, and you're better off without.

headwobbleneeded · 10/05/2019 16:14

This is a copy and paste from something I've seen written before, but is exactly how I feel about a cheater changing...
Ps the anger/anxiety is probably to prevent you speaking about it rather than genuine panic attack.

"I’m still not sure that people can change. If you do some shitty things in your past but then decide you’re not going to do them anymore, you’re still essentially the same person, still capable of doing those things. ‘Changing’ is an active choice...it’s deciding you’re going to behave in a different way than you used to, but it doesn’t take back the shitty things you’ve done before or remove those characteristics that you have within you that you’ve decided to suppress. Never forget that. Once you do something bad, like cheating, you can decide to never do it again, but you’re always going to be someone who, at one point, was capable of doing it. Once you do it, it’s part of you, even if you never do it again. You see, there’s a difference between someone who’s never been able to cheat because they just didn’t have it in them to act so horribly, their moral compass just physically wouldn’t let them, and someone who poses the ability to.”

Original poster
Miimii786 · 10/05/2019 16:16

From the evidence gathered I believe he knew this woman before we got married and exchanged numbers while we were dating but didn’t start the affair until after we got married and it probably lasted a month... could have been longer if I didn’t find out. I have lost all trust and this seems to be giving him anxiety...

OP posts:
Kazzz65 · 10/05/2019 16:18

Once a cheat you always have the propensity to cheat again but it might not be years until they do again. In the first three months he might not have loved you yet so it's a good sign he stopped when he realised it was wrong.
He needs to take ownership for what he did and tell you why he did it so that you can move on and put it behind you. Make him understand if he ever does it again you will leave him.

Flamingosnbears · 10/05/2019 16:19

They can change but it sounds like you both need closure you both need to talk about it how it made you feel affected you both he can gain from you and you from him it will be hard but you can get through you could write it all down then when you've talked it through burn it in the garden or throw it out to see as a symbol of your worries and anxiety going with it.

Flamingosnbears · 10/05/2019 16:21

Sea not see silly predictive text

peachgreen · 10/05/2019 16:22

I don't think cheaters will cheat in every relationship they're in but I think if someone cheats that relationship is essentially over and if you try to prolong it they will cheat again. Sorry OP.

Original poster
Miimii786 · 10/05/2019 16:24

The day I found out was one of the worst days of my life. I saw a totally different side to this man who always seemed to gentle and genuine! He wouldn’t own up to it while I caught him red handed and kept denying it how frustrating. The night ended with him crying like a whale after throwing his mobile at me and hurting me for the first time in 3 years that’s I’ve known him! He cried all night and from there on until now he makes me feel like I am destroying him emotionally by bringing up his “mistake”... I have married a monster! I don’t know how to get out of this relationship as I’m pregnant!
I just want him to admit I am not wrong for not trusting him. Why do men Emotionally destroy women like this.... never thought I’ll feel so vulnerable. I have gone from a happy lively girl to someone constantly lost in thoughts...

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/05/2019 16:29

I don’t know how to get out of this relationship as I’m pregnant!

Being pregnant doesn't mean you have to stay with him. He's cheated on you, emotionally abused you,[physically thrown things at you and HURT YOU.

Please do not bring a child into this with him. He does indeed sound a monster. Please leave him ASAP.

First step? Tell someone in real life. Do you have a friend you can confide in?

he makes me feel like I am destroying him emotionally by bringing up his “mistake” this is on him, not you. He has destroyed your relationship all by himself. Please have more respect for yourself than to stay with him.

Raindropsonroses27 · 10/05/2019 16:29

You will get a mixed bag of responses on this. Some people think once a cheater always a cheater. I personally believe that circumstances play a big part in whether or not someone is unfaithful. I don't automatically believe that all cheaters are bad people. I believe that good people can sometimes do bad things and vice versa.

I cheated once when I was in a very dysfunctional dying relationship. I'm not proud of it but I don't beat myself up about it anymore either. I wasn't happy, my ex was doing nothing to improve things despite my best efforts and when someone came along who showed me a bit of attention I fell for it. Never in a million years would I ever dream of cheating on my current partner because it love him dearly and we are very happy. So the rule of 'once a cheat always a cheat' definitely doesn't apply here.

I would say it depends heavily on your circumstances, how he is going to make it up to you and what you think you can forgive and get over.

HJWT · 10/05/2019 16:42

No, he will not change. YOU caught him! Thats why it stopped he chucked his phone at YOU and emotionally blackmails you every time you mention it 🙄 you deserve better being pregnant does not change that xx

Dadaist · 10/05/2019 17:56

He got angry - WTAF!!?? He needs to have a mirror held to him to see the actions he’s taken and the consequences-which should include losing his family life!
Toughen up OP and tell him he should be remorseful and it takes years to recover- even if he does everything right, which he hasn’t even started yet.

RainbowWaffles · 10/05/2019 18:02

A one odd moment of madness at the end of an unhappy relationship one is trying to get out of anyway- not necessarily ‘always a cheater’. A full on duplicitous affair spanning some time especially in the context of a ‘loving marriage’ that the cheater claims to want to stay in- always a cheater.

Like all things, once you cross the line, it’s easier to cross it again. It depends how all in one goes when crossing the line in the first place, whether it was a toe dip or a full on jump across.

As an anecdote based on what you said, I know someone who had a full of mental breakdown due to the stress of cheating on his wife that he loved and desperately wanted to stay with. He ended up leaving the wife anyway in the end and is now married to the OW. Mental health problems brought on by cheating aren’t a sign of remorse.

SapatSea · 10/05/2019 18:02

If he wants your relationship to move forward then he needs to be open about the affair and talk about it whenever you need to. It should be about healing you, not about how it makes him feel!

People on these threads often recommend reading Not just friends by Shirley Glass:
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00B0X1UPA/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Can cheaters change? it depends. I've known people who got married very young and the guy cheated early on and another where the guy had an EA in his early 30's as he felt he had missed out as he had never had another gf. I also know older men who were serial cheaters in their early days but who are faithful aro their latest partner s their libido has also calmed down. I also know some people who will never change.

I agree with a poster upthread who said that changing is an active choice. Does he want to lose you? You deserve to be cherished, will he do that for you?

JK1773 · 10/05/2019 18:18

He doesn’t sound very remorseful. The ridiculous response when you bring it up is just emotional manipulation to shut you up and make you feel sorry for him. Your relationship will probably be fine if you never challenge him about anything ever .... He sounds absolutely awful, sorry

category12 · 10/05/2019 18:20

The cheating is the least of it really.

He has been violent towards you, (when he threw a phone at you and hurt you with it).
He's manipulative, (when he flies into a rage or turns on the tears when you try to discuss what happened.)
He's incredibly selfish, (he turns everything into being about his feelings.)

Where's the care for you?

Leave him, OP. He's shown his true colours since he got you "trapped" by marriage and pregnancy. He thinks you'll put up with anything and shouts you down to shut you up.

You are not trapped.

Original poster
Miimii786 · 10/05/2019 19:13

Thank you to all the ladies who have responded. You have all been very helpful.
From most responses I have gathered that I have ended up in a very manipulative relationship and I need the courage to face my husband head on rather than feel sorry and shut up all the time. I hope no one ever has to go through this. I feel like I have failed to understand this world. For me it has been a fairytale turned into the worst nightmare.
Thank you all. x

OP posts:
category12 · 10/05/2019 19:17

Be careful, OP. I think you've got a wrong un there, stay safe and seriously seriously consider an exit.

Tabithakatherine · 10/05/2019 19:25

Don't stay if you can't get past it trust me your always be wondering or always remember and feel sad angry hurt and it will be hard to move forward... once the trust has gone there's not much you can do... some people can move forward and forget or forgive and some can't, You deserve to be with someone better in the long run..staying because your pregnant won't be good in the long run either you can still be a mum on your own.. it might be tough but give it time and your see it was the right thing... or give yourself time and see if you can learn to trust him again.. but don't be made to feel bad by him because you can't get over it with the click of your fingers..he should be making you feel secure and doing everything to make you trust him not moaning on or acting the victim.. your the one who is so don't let him make you feel bad... I wish you luck op.. know your worth :)

waterrat · 10/05/2019 20:46

Op real resolution to this could only come if he allows you your anger and hurt. He is shutting you down and refusing to allow you your rightful honest discussions about what happened.

As long as he is defensive and hysterical he is not honestly dealing with his own behaviour.

Chocolate123 · 10/05/2019 20:54

He cheated 3 months after marriage then turned on the tears when confronted. God he's good at manipulating the situation. If I was you I'd walk away now . In my opinion once someone cheats the trust is gone and if you forgive and forget he will do it again. Best of luck with the baby

Nc1548 · 10/05/2019 21:04

I second being careful OP, he has hurt you before.

NoughtpercentAPR · 10/05/2019 21:50

No.

You are crazy to ask this question.

He cheated at 3 months. 3 months!!! 3 months is when the novelty of marriage is a beautiful honeymoon time.

If he'll do at at 3 months, what are the chances of him staying faithful when you've just given birth and are feeling shit and don't want sex?

Or when you are breastfeeding and feel "all touched out" and don't want him touching you?

Or when you've been married for 7 years and he's a bit bored and got an itch?

It maybe that's your choice. Plenty of women choose a man over fidelity - it's a deal with the devil though.

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