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Original poster

My boyfriend, his ex, their children

50 replies

Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 09:33

I’ve been dating a really nice guy for about 10 months now having been single for six years before I met him.

Our relationship is perfect and we have plans for the future.

He has two children with his ex, they split up years ago.

I have never met his children and they do not know about me. He has met my children about a month ago and all pleasant.

He tried to have a conversation with his ex about introducing me to their children and she reacted very venomously and has blocked all access to his children.

Why would she do this? Seems a gross overreaction but would appreciate other views.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 10/05/2019 09:35

How old are his dc?

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 09:36

9 year old daughter 6 year old daughter

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 10/05/2019 09:38

Seems like a huge over-reaction. Is there more to this than meets the eye? Does he have agreed contact. Sounds like he need to go to mediation and get a formal order on contact.

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 09:45

There had been an informal agreement for years about access and contact which his ex no longer agrees to. He is now applying through the courts to make the access formal and to have the preexisting agreement reinstated.

Is this behaviour from her a sign of things to come? I can’t help but feel upset about the situation and she has not had one nice word to say about me despite having never met me in her life. I’m rather taken back by her reaction and behaviour and I’m struggling to decide whether I want to continue a relationship with this man based on the current situation. I do not want this drama in my life, selfishly (maybe!)

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 10/05/2019 09:50

Can't blame you not wanting the drama. Maybe cool things until he's sorted out formal access to his DC, and just date without involving any of your respective DC?

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 09:52

I’m not aware that there is more there than meets the eye. I think and believe she is quite needy, previously, lots of daily messages about the children, him helping her out etc. and I think he has pulled back ever so slightly from her and not jumping to her every whim these last few months which is a significant change for her which I’m sure is difficult for her to get used to as she appears to think he’s not playing enough of a role in his children’s lives anymore. Which being honest is not true. When he told her he had met someone and that he felt it was serious she changed the informal access agreement to him having the children one night more a week

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/05/2019 09:53

Unfortunately some women are vile and will use children as pawns and weapons against the father as a way to keep control of him.
Maybe she is not over him and this is her of punishing him for moving on.
Unfortunately it happens quite a lot.
Why did they separate?

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 09:55

In what way should I cook things? As I’m not dating etc.? I’m just unclear how we can progress a meaningful relationship with his access to the children not sorted and his ex coming across as vindictive and spiteful. I’m sure this is not the life she had imagined for herself but I am not responsible for the breakdown of their relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 09:57

They split up 4.5 years ago. I understand it was her choice, she apparently didn’t love him any more. From the outside looking in, it would appear he may have been rather immature throughout their relationship and he describes has as very demanding, high maintence etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 10:00

I am genuinely trying to be completely objective and reasonable and I’m sure she has her reasons for not caring too much about him any more but equally it’s upsetting to see him in this situation. I can’t find it within me to agree with her actions and it seems grossly imature. I had offered that I would meet her first before meeting the kids but I now know that would do more harm than good

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 10/05/2019 10:54

How much do you like him? The drama sounds like a pain and yes is probably a sign of things to come with her. Good for him on applying to the courts to get access formalised though.

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 11:47

I do see a future with him, I am very reluctant on the basis this could be a revolving drama with his ex and I am unsure if I am willing to put myself through this

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 10/05/2019 12:43

Was he married? If so is the divorce finalised?

I would be a bit cautious as having an acromious person in your life can be so draining. Being a step mum is tough enough without drama from the outset.

I would back off until he has access sorted as you will then see of you can have a relationship.
Also his Ex might be a nightmare or there is a story you are unaware of. Has he perhaps been bouncing back to her?

Onemansoapopera · 10/05/2019 12:50

Have you sent her/worded texts on his behalf?

Dirtybadger · 10/05/2019 12:56

Has she accepted meeting you? Thats your only chance IMO. Or he formalises it. But that doesnt mean there wont be animosity and ongoing drama. Just that she will resentfully have to hand the kids over. Better to work on ridding the resentment.

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 13:02

They were not married. I really doubt they have been bouncing back to each other. I get the impression, it is over, for both of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 13:03

Absolutely not, I have completely distanced myself from the entire situation as it’s not really my business. I’ve been supportive to him but I have not advised about the situation in any way whatsoever.

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 10/05/2019 13:05

so you've not expressed any reaction to her being horrible about you? Which I assume you only know because BF has told you? It's kind of classic triangulation...the poor innocent bloke in the middle of the 'high maintenance' ex and the new bemused GF.

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 13:06

No she refused and I’m at a point now where I would rather not meet her, I don’t feel this is my issue to resolve. As far as I’m concerned this is between the two of them. I have a very amicable relationship with my kids ex. Formal but amicable and I have always encouraged my kids to have a good relationship with him and his girlfriend. They have benefited from this enormously

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 10/05/2019 13:07

And by that I mean, he is doing it to you both.

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 13:08

I know, I was, privately upset about some of the thIngs she said about me. I’m beginning to look like a mug! Perhaps I should say something about how I am feeling but I’m not into drama.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 13:09

I’m not really clear on what my expectations of him should be in regards the entire situation. It does feel, to me, that her feelings come above everyone else’s and that I should almost put up or shut up!

OP posts:
Mayalready · 10/05/2019 13:12

The best day of my marriage was the last day with the realisation I no longer had to deal with his ex and her drama.
You future with him will indeed include her.

Very much so by the sounds of it.
I would back away until he has court ordered contact in place.

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 10/05/2019 13:15

Are you suggesting no contact until he resolves his access arrangements with the kids? I need to protect myself and my own sanity in all of this and I don’t feel able to challenge him on any of this which is pathetic and weak I know

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 10/05/2019 13:16

I'm acutely aware of your position as I've been there , just be watchful because 9/10 the man in the middle is secretly lapping up the attention of two women at loggerheads over him (even if you're not even partaking in it). Doesn't mean he's not a good dad. Watch because sticking up for him and yourself can and may well be thrown back in your face (by him) down the line....