My boyfriend, his ex, their children

[Lollypops20181]

I’ve been dating a really nice guy for about 10 months now having been single for six years before I met him.

Our relationship is perfect and we have plans for the future.

He has two children with his ex, they split up years ago.

I have never met his children and they do not know about me. He has met my children about a month ago and all pleasant.

He tried to have a conversation with his ex about introducing me to their children and she reacted very venomously and has blocked all access to his children.

Why would she do this? Seems a gross overreaction but would appreciate other views.

That’s insanity that anyone would behave like that and perhaps I’m terribly naive but I know for a fact he is not enjoying the drama either and is craving the time with his children so badly, he misses them like crazy which is natural I suppose. We haven’t really had very detailed discussions about the entire situation and I suppose because the relationship is relatively new I don’t want to butt into their business. I do genuinely hope his ex is okay, I feel Dad for her and her children that she thinks this is the only way forward which is deeply damaging to the kids

As I said, he's probably a fabulous dad. Court is the only way because informal agreements only work when you're amicable and now they're not.

Supporting him is all well and good but the court - + ex - need to see him stepping up and gaining proper access and being a 50/50 df. Best to keep out of it til it's all sorted ime.

WTF @onemansoapopera? The ex decides to use the kids as a weapon, and to withhold access - therefore directly hurting her own kids. This guy does everything right - he responds with immediate legal action to protect his kids and their relationship with him. He doesn't rant and rave or behave inappropriately. He justvgets on with whatvneeds to be dkne, in the best interests of his children.

And you decide that he's probably loving the attention, and "doing it to you both" (whatever that means)?

You have a very weird view of the world!

OP - it's your choice about whether you continue with the relationship, or find someone who does not have a high conflict ex on the scene (unfortunately, there are a lot of them around, who believe that the kids are weapons to be used to get back at the dad). If you stay, I'd say that your role here is simply to offer quiet emotional support to your partner, who will be going through a very hard time while he is being prevented from seeing his kids and pursuing court action. You don't need to (and shouldn't) get involved in the substance of the dispute - just support him. He'll figure the rest out.

And make sure tou set and maintain healthy boundaries with the ex. It sounds as though the less contact you have with her, the better.

No you do not need to meet the mother. Just stay out of it, do not let it stress YOU out.

I am glad my boyfriend has no children for this reason. Having to deal with a volatile baby mother sucks.

Thanks for your reply.

It’s really difficult because I can only imagine the torment of being prevented from seeing your children.

I really don’t think he is enjoying any attention from this, he’s really not that kind of guy. He wants to resolve the access arrangements, legally, before I meet the children. I think he needs to do this to prevent her from usin the kids in future to assert control over him and his life. It’s all rather odd to me, I didn’t have an amicable split from my husband but we were always, and I mean always amicable and respectful about our kids.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Sadly a women scorned can be evil.

I also have to deal with a difficult ex and sadly the quicker you realised 'this is your life' the better it will be for you to make an informed decision.

It sounds like the ex will always want to have control over your DP. It will always cause issues between the two of you but it's how you handle those issues that will matter.

Best of luck.

The ex is just being an attention seeker. Trying to have her cake and eat it. I hope the court works in his favour.

Beats me why some women use their kids as a weapon, knowing the men do right by the kids and the blimming ex.

I hope it all gets sorted out as you really don't need this painful drama.

He enabled an unhealthy (easy life/ don’t rock the boat) dynamic that is now biting him on the arse. If I were you, I’d take a step back and see what comes of him enforcing some long overdue boundaries with this woman. Had he not had other relationships since their split? I’m finding it difficult to believe that her behaviour is a complete surprise to him. And why is he repeating her unpleasant opinions of you, to you?

Sorry OP, he sounds incredibly immature/ naive and not particularly emotionally intelligent.

How do you know what she says about you?
Have you seen the messages or emails?

I know we sound cynical and perhaps she is just vindictive but ime the man in this scenario is often not as innocent as seen from the outside.
For her to react so irrationally then he either had some awareness of her behaviour or there is some other factor.
I would encourage you to be cautious as Ex had the crazy Ex and I now know I only heard what he wanted to tell me.

You say she often asked him to “help” her before and that he catered to her every whim.

Has he given you specific examples of that? Was she asking him to “help” by doing stuff with or for their children? If so, that isn’t helping, it is being a parent. Why has he stopped doing that now he has met you?

Or was he “helping” her with things completely unrelated to children or the house his children live in?

Helping with the house!!! Not child related...

He told me what she said about me. She knew an incredible amount about me for someone who doesn’t know me, very odd

"I would encourage you to be cautious as Ex had the crazy Ex and I now know I only heard what he wanted to tell me."

I agree with the above. Been there previously, then realised exactly the same when it ended.

He’s never actually said a bad word about her up to this point and the only bad thing he’s aid about her is that she is horrible for doing this to the kids

In any case, I’ve made a decision that the drama and aggravation my presence is causing to their co-parenting arrangement is so not worth it, for me, especially their kids and for them and I’m going to end the relationship tomorrow. Reading other horror stories, I don’t think I have the emotional energy or strength to participate in a relationship where kids are involved especially when their parents have a toxic and damaging approach to doing what’s right by the kids.

Well done lollipops, I think you are showing self esteem and strong boundaries.

I so wish I had MN back in the day. Ex never vented about his Ex and I witnessed her behaviour but now I know that he was far from innocent, "water torturer" in lundys terminology.
If he did stuff for her in the house there is potential for the lines to have been blurred with her but he will never tell you that.

You are doing the right thing, saving yourself years of heartache.

Lollipops good that you have come to a decision

Also because the view that getting a court order will somehow magically solve things is naive

Oh Lollypops

I really feel for you but I can't help but feel your decision, though painful, is a sensible one.

Personally I don't think I could cope with this situation,let alone what seems to be inevitably around the corner.

With his dc ages aswell, it's not just as if they'll be making their own decisions in a year or two. You could potentially have years of this.

You describe how he has reined in ever so slightly at being at her beck and call, and you've seen the reaction.

You are obviously completely understanding, and you clearly are trying to see this situation from both sides which is hard when you are only privy to one sides information.

I feel you are potentially saving yourself years of heartache and being messed around. I'm guessing your dc may be of similar ages, so not even on your radar to involve them in any grief that may be around the corner.

It's refreshing on here to read that you aren't willing to take this at such an early stage in a new relationship.

So many posts I read on here about women in your position, now totally absorbed in court proceedings, access, living through it completely absorbed and messed around.

I always think, I just couldn't.

Perhaps in years to come with him who knows, but for now I think you're being very sensible.

'She knew an incredible amount about me for someone who's never met me'

She knows what he told her about you - and you don't. For all you know, she thinks you're saying lots of horrible things about her.

I was once the baffled girlfriend who had to support an innocent, well-meaning, man to cope with bewildering spite and hostility from a vengeful ex.

Until he had no further use for me, dumped me and started to say exactly the same things about me to other people that he used to say about her.

She may have excellent reasons to limit his contact with the children, you're really in no position to judge that.

I'd suggest you proceed with caution and take care of yourself. I allowed myself to believe my ex because I wanted to and the picture he painted of himself was attractive. I should have taken a step back and been more sceptical. I wasted almost six years on him 🙁 two in the relationship and four to recover.

I don’t genuinely believe he has actually said anything about me to her but it no longer matters now.

I appreciate all the advice and support from all you MNs. Thank you.

I’ve made my decision and I finished with him this morning, he was really taken back and was not expecting it but said he understands and wishes me all the best. Sad really as we might have had real potential.

For all mothers out there who find themselves dealing with a new partner of their ex, why not give her a chance? Who knows, she might be good for your children, for your relationship with your ex. The new partner might even be able to make your ex see sense.

Think really really hard about a future with him. His ex will always be part of your lives and she will have the power to manipulate him for at least 10 more years.

Is it really worth it, for you and your children.

20years later and DH x is still badmouthing me and dh to everyone, the stepchild has been poisoned against us and we haven't seen them for 8years, court order ignored.

No not the OW, yes he paid a substantial CM and went to court numerous times for access.

It effects everything

An understandable response from the OP to a difficult situation, where making the right decisions for yourself is important. Totally support your decision, OP.

But it was an entirely predictable response from the misandrists on here, who have decided that even when a woman indulges in behaviour that is clearly abusive to both her ex partner and her own fucking children, it is still the man's fault. Just to remind you - 1 in 3 victims of domestic abuse is male. Women abuse too. It is NOT the fault of their victims. Sexism is truly ugly - in either direction. Unfortunately, some people on here show that this ugliness can come from both men and women.

If the Op was male

My stance would be the same

I absolutely and wholeheartedly agree, I think, in essence, the behaviours exhibited by this ex, on the basis of the information I have, from him, that this is domestic violence by proxy.

I cannot, for my own health and wellbeing, participate in a relationship whereby the mere mention of my meeting their kids could cause so much damage.

I’m devestated for him, for myself and for what might have been.

I’m s very clear this is not in one way about me, her reaction would have been the same if it was a different woman and not me.