Colleague came on to me intensely and has now dropped me

[doyouremembernow]

A month ago I was on a business trip with one of my senior colleagues and he confessed his undying love to me. He is married (apparently unhappily/about to separate, as they always are 🙄.)

The way he did it and how he has acted since has completely stunned me and I really need some help figuring out what the hell is going on.

I do not have an easy life situation - money is tight, I care for my elderly parents who have dementia and in the past I have been in abusive relationships. I am generally quite lonely and feel life is a struggle so enjoy work because I get to interact with people in a safe way.

When he confessed his feelings my senior colleague made me feel amazing. He said we would be together and care for my elderly parents together (!) He would help me with money as I deserved all the luxuries and good treatment in the world after what I’d been through. The entire last 48 hours of the business trip was my colleague following me around describing our life together in minute detail. How he would cook and clean, make me breakfast in the morning, keep me safe from my abusive ex, how he knew from the moment he saw me (and he described the exact clothes i was wearing 7 years ago) that I was “the one.” He took me out to expensive restaurants, bigged me up in front of clients and made lots of promises.

It was heady and intoxicating and a real campaign. On the last night, he pushed hard for me to sleep with him but I didn’t. I ended up literally pushing him away politely and firmly. I went to my room and he went to his and he sent a barrage of texts all night just about how amazing I am and asking me to come back. He was trying to kiss me and hold my hand on the plane all the way back. I eventually let him hold my hand. When we said goodbye at the airport he started crying and saying please don’t leave? Let’s go away again? You choose anywhere. I’ll square it with work. Yes I know, big red flag.

Whatever he did started a small kernel in my mind. It was so personal. Every single detail of his confession was tied to my situation, he seemed to have anticipated all of my life anxieties, all my fears and made me feel like he could make them all go away. He was also acting as if he had nothing to lose. The constant texting stopped about 3 hours after I got home and I was left feeling like I’d just stepped out of a whirlwind, but also thinking “maybe I do want this? Maybe he is right for me?”

When I got back to the office the next day, he completely ignored me. And the next day and the next day. It was like a feeling of having been thrown back to Earth with a thud. He wouldn’t even have work related conversations, I just got treated like I didn’t exist. I wats apped him and asked him what was going on and he ignored it.

On the third day I confronted him in his office and said that he needed to communicate with me. He said we needed to go somewhere private to talk. I felt astonished that it suddenly seemed like I was more invested than he was and my hunting him down to understand the ignoring had suddenly put me on the back foot.

When we were alone he said something along the lines of: it’s extraordinary the connection we have, you’re the most amazing person I’ve met, but we work together and we have crossed boundaries. Also I am married (no shit, Sherlock) and I have a responsibility to my wife so I have to draw back from this.

This was all framed like I had pursued him, relentlessly, which could not have been further from the truth. I feel blindsided. He now comes up to me in the office occasionally and says “are you okay?” in a patronising way in front of others like I will be suffering from a terrible heartbreak. I also have a copy of his diary on my computer, as we work a lot together, and he is saying things like “now you can stalk me whenever you want.”

I am almost tempted to go along with it, as he is in a position to fire me and if I started recounting the actual truth he might feel very uncomfortable with that and fire me. I have known him well for seven years at work and have never seen this side of him, but only just started travelling with him. Do you think he’s done it with others?

I didn’t know people like this even existed. Is this common? To come on with that level of white hot intensity, tailored to me personally, and then to switch it off instantly. Surely he feels embarrassed? Please help me understand.

Thank God I didn’t sleep with him.

I don’t know where to go from here. I need this job and need to be supported by him in it. I don’t know how to act.

It was all for that shag he didn’t get on the last night.

What an utter prick. Do you have a HR dept? I’d report him for sexual harassment and ongoing harassment in the office. He’s undermining you and setting it up so you’re the spurned lover when he gets caught out. Show HR the texts.

(Maybe don’t necessarily show the texts)

He wanted a shag and didn't get it so is turning it on you.

Can you transfer or swap/change jobs or look elsewhere? He sounds unhinged!

He wanted to start an affair with you but you didn’t give in so he will shame you to prove to himself that you are the one behaving badly, not him. He’s lovebombed you - it’s a common strategy for people who have serial affair from what I understand. I am sure wiser women will be along in a moment but be pleased you dodged this bullet. Think about it - he was acting like he was recruiting you to a cult, not starting a relationship. And he is married, his poor wife.
I would hold your head high, have a raised eyebrow, a knowing smile and absolutely no time for him in the future.

He wanted sex with you and didn't get it, now he feels embarrassed at the memory of his emotional outpourings and blames you. He's making himself feel better by reframing it all in his mind as you pursuing him and him turning you down.

He's completely toxic, OP. Have as little contact with him as possible and start exploring the possibility of a new job, either internally or externally, as this isn't a person you want as your boss.

I too agree it was a plan to sleep with you. He definitely does sound unhinged. Unfortunately, there are plenty of this type out there. The love bombing I think it's called. He's got home,back to his wife and reality and may have had his ego hurt you didn't sleep with him. He sounds more than capable that he's done it before. I hope you recover quickly from this

He is a psychopath - the way he has been observing you and tapped into everything you wanted shows that. He is dangerous. He will turn on you any time you do not do what you wanted - and not shagging him was the first time.

He is now punishing you, but don't be surprised if he turns on the charm and starts sucking you in again. He has now taught you what to expect if you cross him, so you will be more likely to go along with it next time, to 'keep' him, and to keep the love-bombing coming.

but he will only ever be playing you, for whatever he can get. You will think this may sound melodramatic, but if your parents are both ill, he probably has his eyes on their house. He will eventually suck you into an abusive relationship, get the house, then leave you devastated.

You are nothing to him - his wife is nothing to him, and his other targets (and there will be other targets) are nothing to him.

7 years ago, he didn't even know you. For all he knew you could have been a predator like him (except he knew you were prey, they can smell vulnerability). How could he love a person he didn't know? How can he love someone he's only ever met in a work context? He is lying, and is saying what he needs to get what he wants (I'm using the present tense, because I am convinced he's not done with you yet).

Run. Cut him off as much as you can, and report any further romantic overtures to HR. Confide in a co-worker if you can. Preferably leave and get another job.

I'm not exaggerating, he's showing huge signs of being a dangerous predator.

What a nasty piece of work he is. Well done for not sleeping with him. He’s an utter arsehole.

It sounds like he went back to reality as soon as he got off the plane. I am surprised he is not still trying to shag you but you know the score now and if he ever starts up again, you know not to trust him.

Agree with PPs, he’s dangerous. Steer very very clear. Block him. He may step up his campaign though. Good luck.

Even if he got the shag he would have still spun the “crossed boundaries” line (which I don’t doubt he’s used many times) but still would have used you for casual sex.

Keep a log of his harassment.

He's unhinged OP. Yuck. Idk what to suggest as no idea of your work situation but if there's any way to get a transfer or apply elsewhere you might want to do so. Because he sounds extreme. A lot of people get into awkward situations with a bit of flirting with a colleague and it all goes a bit pear shaped but this is in another league. Unless you can go above him and make a massive complaint?

He's a vile cheating narcissist. You can bet he's done it before.

Get out the moment you can.

Don't sleep with him just to make life easier!

Yes - I think it was all for sex that night and he has probably taken advantage of others in the past.. well done for not physically allowing yourself to succumb to his manipulative advances.

I think your next step depends on how he behaves towards you moving forward in work. You are in the right - keep the texts on your phone because they show it was him pursuing you. I don't understand why he is commenting in front of others as if you are pursuing him?! Does he want colleagues to think something happened? Or does he think you will have told them and is trying to twist it?

Maybe speak to him alone and be assertive - tell him you are not interested in a relationship and you don't know why he is implying it in front of colleagues. Tell him you want a professional working relationship only and ask him to stop with the childish behaviour or you will forward the texts to his wife

Perhaps speak to Acas for some advice - or your HR department if you have one and things don't improve.

I hope things improve in your personal life op I can understand why his offers felt appealing, but honestly you deserve better xxx

He wanted sex, you blew him out.

Please screenshot all the messages.

Make sure you send him one saying that you are not interested in him in that way and screenshot them all.

Be polite but firm with him at work .

And look for something else

He's trying to set you up as the one who was chasing him. Be very careful about any further interactions. He sounds like a very clever lunatic.

Is there anyone senior to him? If so, I would think about going to speak to them and show the texts and explain your situation. If you think it would put you in a worse position then just be polite to him but try and avoid him. He sounds unhinged!

If possible, definitely speak with HR and or his manager. You have his texts as proof and you can explain that his conduct since your return is making you very uncomfortable.

He is a narc, and i wouldn't trust him not to try and make your working life very difficult over this.

He is being massively unprofessional, you on the other hand have done nothing inappropriate.

What a twat!

Be very careful with him. I agree with the others, keep all texts and proof of contact. He sounds like a very nasty piece of work.

Why should OP have to look for another job?!

OP hopefully you didn't engage in any way with the texts. Definitely keep them. Ignore him in work only to the extent that you have to be civil professionally.

I would say don't confide in anyone in work because most people can't keep confidences.

Do you have any hobbies outside work?

I’m sorry this happened to you. I agree with everyone else, he was just trying to get a shag and it didn’t work so he has turned on you. The way you describe it, he definitely sounds like a psychopath.

Be ready for him to try again - they usually do. He is looking for your weaknesses. Do you work closely with him? If so, I would consider finding another job. I had a very bad experience with a senior colleague that was similar to this. I didn’t report it as ultimately I had no proof. The only way to end the situation was to leave. He nearly destroyed my mental health before I finally left for another job (it was difficult for me to leave before then, which he knew and exploited). I am now much happier and feel relieved every day that I don’t have to interact with him anymore.

Seriously, don’t trust or believe anything he says. He only cares about getting what he wants, whether it is sex or psychological control (or both).

I think he's a nasty piece of work, who put a lot of very cleverly-judged effort into targeting you for sex, possibly because he perceives you as vulnerable (clearly he knows about your parents and your abusive ex -- how?), and is now gaslighting you because it didn't work. But he would have done the same sooner or later if it did work, and you'd slept with him.

And yes, he's almost certainly done it with other women it sounds very well-rehearsed, and on the right person, it's incredibly effective. Someone lonely and vulnerable gets to feel like a queen and the most special person in the world you are clearly someone who mostly looks after other people, rather than is looked after, and he completely grasped that when he was targeting his 'campaign'.

And the fact that you were the one who WhatsApped him after you got home, and the fact that you went and confronted him in his office, allows him to pretend to himself that you're the one chasing him. (Incidentally, do you have the barrage of passionate texts he sent you during and immediately after the work trip?)

And note too that he's managed to keep his 'undying love' for you under wraps for seven years. It only burst out on the first time you travelled with him, and would have been able to have sex with him away from the workplace and his family.

I would keep a log of all interactions, make sure I wasn't around him alone, look politely puzzled and say what does he mean if he comes at you with the 'Are you OK?' stuff around other people, and see what happens. If necessary, you approach HR.