Colleague came on to me intensely and has now dropped me

[doyouremembernow]

A month ago I was on a business trip with one of my senior colleagues and he confessed his undying love to me. He is married (apparently unhappily/about to separate, as they always are 🙄.)

The way he did it and how he has acted since has completely stunned me and I really need some help figuring out what the hell is going on.

I do not have an easy life situation - money is tight, I care for my elderly parents who have dementia and in the past I have been in abusive relationships. I am generally quite lonely and feel life is a struggle so enjoy work because I get to interact with people in a safe way.

When he confessed his feelings my senior colleague made me feel amazing. He said we would be together and care for my elderly parents together (!) He would help me with money as I deserved all the luxuries and good treatment in the world after what I’d been through. The entire last 48 hours of the business trip was my colleague following me around describing our life together in minute detail. How he would cook and clean, make me breakfast in the morning, keep me safe from my abusive ex, how he knew from the moment he saw me (and he described the exact clothes i was wearing 7 years ago) that I was “the one.” He took me out to expensive restaurants, bigged me up in front of clients and made lots of promises.

It was heady and intoxicating and a real campaign. On the last night, he pushed hard for me to sleep with him but I didn’t. I ended up literally pushing him away politely and firmly. I went to my room and he went to his and he sent a barrage of texts all night just about how amazing I am and asking me to come back. He was trying to kiss me and hold my hand on the plane all the way back. I eventually let him hold my hand. When we said goodbye at the airport he started crying and saying please don’t leave? Let’s go away again? You choose anywhere. I’ll square it with work. Yes I know, big red flag.

Whatever he did started a small kernel in my mind. It was so personal. Every single detail of his confession was tied to my situation, he seemed to have anticipated all of my life anxieties, all my fears and made me feel like he could make them all go away. He was also acting as if he had nothing to lose. The constant texting stopped about 3 hours after I got home and I was left feeling like I’d just stepped out of a whirlwind, but also thinking “maybe I do want this? Maybe he is right for me?”

When I got back to the office the next day, he completely ignored me. And the next day and the next day. It was like a feeling of having been thrown back to Earth with a thud. He wouldn’t even have work related conversations, I just got treated like I didn’t exist. I wats apped him and asked him what was going on and he ignored it.

On the third day I confronted him in his office and said that he needed to communicate with me. He said we needed to go somewhere private to talk. I felt astonished that it suddenly seemed like I was more invested than he was and my hunting him down to understand the ignoring had suddenly put me on the back foot.

When we were alone he said something along the lines of: it’s extraordinary the connection we have, you’re the most amazing person I’ve met, but we work together and we have crossed boundaries. Also I am married (no shit, Sherlock) and I have a responsibility to my wife so I have to draw back from this.

This was all framed like I had pursued him, relentlessly, which could not have been further from the truth. I feel blindsided. He now comes up to me in the office occasionally and says “are you okay?” in a patronising way in front of others like I will be suffering from a terrible heartbreak. I also have a copy of his diary on my computer, as we work a lot together, and he is saying things like “now you can stalk me whenever you want.”

I am almost tempted to go along with it, as he is in a position to fire me and if I started recounting the actual truth he might feel very uncomfortable with that and fire me. I have known him well for seven years at work and have never seen this side of him, but only just started travelling with him. Do you think he’s done it with others?

I didn’t know people like this even existed. Is this common? To come on with that level of white hot intensity, tailored to me personally, and then to switch it off instantly. Surely he feels embarrassed? Please help me understand.

Thank God I didn’t sleep with him.

I don’t know where to go from here. I need this job and need to be supported by him in it. I don’t know how to act.

Have a read of this OP, it has helped me immensely in getting out of a string of very abusive relationships. The problem with abuse is it is hard to tell what is normal and safe afterwards so the chance of it happening again increases. He was love bombing you and he is now going to do the hot and cold. He's a narcissist. He's given you loads of attention so made you kind of want it and his approval, put ideas into your head, then snapped it back. Now he will wait for you to chase him or question everything, then come in to 'hoover' at some point... aka he will come to collect / get what he was after

Steer clear of him, don't be alone with him and stay safe. Nothing that he has told you was genuine, normal humans that feel empathy do not do this, let alone to the extremes that he has.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I think perhaps he has turned the tables to ensure that if anything came out about this he could claim it was you who were pestering him.
What a piece of shit!

The only thing you n.eed to do, apart from manage your emotions regarding him, is to take advice from ACAS (UK residents), your union rep if you have one and then log everything with HR to create a file. It does not need to be a formal complaint, but you really need to log this behaviour now to safeguard your career against this sociopath. He is now attempting to destroy you. You deserve to be safe x

Keep the messages Op they are the proof that he harassed you not the other way round.

By the way, just because you wanted it and responded to it in a minor way, you are not responsible for his predatory behaviour. He is not Love-Sick Johnny, crying in the corner, he is a dangerous man who targeted you. Show the texts to HR when you log it. Don't be surprised if he doesn't log his version with them...please act now.

You are in a very tricky situation here.

Do NOT be alone with him. Do not talk to him about this alone without somebody else present and recording the conversation. Firstly, I suggest that you write down the exact sequence of events of everything that happened and the timeline while it’s fresh in your mind. You then should contact ACAS and ask their advice. My feeling is that he’s already started telling others that you have a crush on him. He’s setting you up for a fall because you didn’t sleep with him. He now wants you gone because you he didn’t get what he wants and you have the power to ruin his career and marriage. He’s going to try and ruin yours first. Write out the timeline, contact ACAS and then contact your union rep (if you have one) and email (after ACAS) advice your head of HR to lodge an official complaint of sexual harassment against him. You were sexually harassed on that business trip. You were the recipient of unwanted sexual advances by a person senior to you. What he did is against the law and he should be sacked for that behaviour. You now have to protect yourself. Contact HR and ask to be allocated a different manager. He should not be in a position of power over your career/salary anymore and a huge well done from me for not falling for it all. He’s a predator. You have done nothing wrong. You also have a valid reason to get signed off work by your GP with stress until HR have resolved this situation for you. You do not have to work under this man again.

Correction - don't be surprised if he DOES log his version with HR.

In fact, you could copy and paste your post and use that as the basis of your written complaint to HR. It’s a very well written account of everything that happened. Also, print out copies of the texts he’s sent you and attach them to the complaint.

Keep the texts. Speak to hr.

Hmm. Interesting one. You were targeted may years ago as potential supply and he's just been waiting for the right moment. He then subjects you to a monumental seduction hoover (golden time) and then fails to seal the deal.

This will have wounded him considerably as he will have perceived it as a criticism. You are therefore painted black and that's why you received the Absent Silent Treatment. The fact that it went on for a few days suggest he is quite cognitively aware (although not aware that he has NPD and he never will be.)

I am concerned that if he has the power to fire you he also has the power to give you a reference because OP, I think you should start looking around for another job. He may well have begun to smear you already. Also remember that just because you were painted 'black' you can be 'white' again in an instant. The last thing you need is another Hoover.

If you are fortunate, he already has another target somewhere and may perceive you as not worth the effort.

And yes, he will have done this many, many times before. And embezzeling too with his accounts? He's on a sticky wicket, very but equally you don't know who has been protecting him all these years. Senior management aren't daft.

Absolutely what Christmas Fluff said. It's not just about sex. He is poison and will do anything to suck you in. Do not let him charm you again.

You hurt his ego, now he's punishing you.

Be very careful

Thank you so much for your responses. I have been confused and conflicted about this for the past month, and feeling shit about myself too. It’s not that I blame myself for it happening but just that I didn’t want to be assessed and judged and put in this position. At this point in my life I just want to make money for my own survival and my parents’ care.

He has been away for the past week on another business trip with several other colleagues. I feel extremely anxious that I am going to lose my job unless I play ball. I won’t, of course.

I’ve deleted all the wats apps. I wanted to stop obsessing over them because when he started ignoring me I started not believing my own version of events and I got fed up with going back and reading them again and again and obsessing over them.

I suppose that was stupid.

I have spent every weekend alone for years but the prospect of this weekend stretching out ahead of me after being given that brief love bombing, is so depressing.

I agree : HR. He's obviously anticipating it, hence his public comments about stalking and whether you're alright. He's hoping for a lot of support from people claiming that you were the one doing the chasing.

You should be proud that your boundaries held up, even if they were shaken.

Tell HR OP. Your job shouldn't have to suffer in any way because of this man. Like pp have said, he wanted a shag, bombed you with what you wanted to hear, he didn't get the shag, that's why he's acting this way. He's probably done this before, and he'll probably do it again. He's unhinged. Keep one step ahead.

Can you get the WhatsApp messages back? I would keep them, just in case he starts trying to edge you out. Be wary about going to HR unless you want to take things further. HR’s job is to protect the organisation and if a complaint is made they cannot do ‘nothing’ in case the issue escalates. The do not want you to end up leaving and suing for constructive dismissal, for example. But yes, he wanted a shag and didn’t get one and that’s why he’s behaving this way.

You can definitely reinstate Whatsapp messages.

I'm going to be blunt, he thought you'd be up for sex or an affair, that you were an easy target. He is now trying to turn it so you look desperate not him.

If you're worried about your job, then just keep your head down, don't bite, just let it all slide.

How do I get the wats app messages back?

I don't think you can get what's ap messages back. And tbh HR departments are about the company, they are not interested in individuals. Without proof you can't take this anywhere formally. If he is valued in his post and as a senior person the company may jettison you. People overestimate HR departments.

If you have close female (or male) colleagues at work I would tell them about it. You may find other stuff comes out and you will not feel so isolated. I suspect he may have already told a version to his pals. Also if it escalates you may some historical witnesses. Log everything exactly as soon as it happens.

Have a strategy for If he patronises you again - don't be rude or defensive - but you need to block it for your own sanity. If for example he asks you if you are okay (in that way) say really breezily, while maintaining eye contact "I'm absolutely fine! and you?" stop your work and look at him or stand up as if you are going somewhere. It's like putting an electric fence up. Sensitive people like yourself let people into your mental and physical space too easily. Imagine you are in a safe zone with a fence around and some distance between you and the fence. He can't touch you.

You may find he will back off and judge it all too risky. But in the meantime no harm in looking for another job.

The other option is this: Make a HUGE stink about it. A really strong formal complaint. See an employment solicitor or as others have stated the union. This is a good time to be heard.

p.s - He's a shit of the worst order. A vampire.

www.makeuseof.com/tag/accidentally-deleted-whatsapp-chat-history-heres-get-back/

It depends on whether you deleted or archived them though

I'm afraid I agree with Rosabug about HR. I would speak to ACAS first, although they may say you need to follow your organisation's grievance procedure first. If they are looking for an excuse to get rid of him they will jump at it, if not you could end up in the firing line, although that would be constructive or unfair dismissal. Try and do a bit of careful digging on him first of you can, he may be known for pulling this sort of stunt.