Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

Original poster

I cant trust my partner

17 replies

daydream2019 · 09/05/2019 21:38

Hey I'm new to this and would like some advice please. I'm with my fiance over 4 years. At the start of our relationship everything was fine. Until I snooped through his phone after he went through mine..anyway I saw he was texting other girls. Being kind of flirty. And I pulled him on it. Ever since I pulled him on it he hasn't done it since. Anyway from that moment I never trusted him. Even though I never saw anything again since. But I cant stop snooping through his phone since. The whole time I do it. I dont see him texting other girls or anything but I see he deletes silly things from his friends. Like porn etc. I keep telling him the more he deletes things from me I will never trust him. But yet he still does it cause his excuse was if I saw it I would go "mad" and he wanted to avoid an argument. The other day I was snooping again and see he deleted messages to a friend. So I confronted him and asked him. He denied he deleted anything at first but then he came out and told me he did. He was talking to a female friend who is about to have a child..he was telling her intimate details about me for not being able to have kids and IVF etc. Again he said he deleted it cause if I saw he was discussing details about me I would go "mad". I literally have enough and the way he is I cant trust him. I keep asking myself what is he deleting again and is there more I'm unaware of. He knows it really bothers me as we had multiple arguments over it and I told him how i felt and how it's so untrustworthy. I dont delete anything from him so why is he doing it to me..i feel lost and i feel I'm wasting my time. Also he has kids from previous relationships too..I dont. He is older than me. I feel like I'm wasting my time..any advice would be great x

OP posts:

Zofloramummy · 09/05/2019 21:40

You need to get this moved to relationships. Ask MN to move it for you

OldAndWornOut · 09/05/2019 21:42

It doesn't sound as if you have ever got over his past antics.
Have you forgiven him?
Do you trust him?
Is it even worth going through all this angst?

Pipandmum · 09/05/2019 21:43

Well stop snooping for one. But if you can’t get over your trust issues this relationship is doomed.

Eslteacher06 · 09/05/2019 21:43

I'd move this post but in the meantime...if you know you're wasting your time and you don't trust him.... there's your answer 😬

Newmumma83 · 09/05/2019 21:46

The fact you don’t feel you can trust him doesn’t bode well.

If someone was snooping through your phone all the time it wouldn’t be nice

It has become the norm but the fear doesn’t go away and as you have noticed it just makes him hide things.

He can’t trust you to give him privacy and you can’t trust his choices in friends or conversations with others ... doing it constantly isn’t great for you mental
Well being... either he has proved he is trust worthy enough after 4 years and you stop looking or you need to look on .

P.s ... I have done it ... due to warning signs and I didn’t feel great about ... I was right to feel concerned but I was wrong to look at ther private conversation too x

Newmumma83 · 09/05/2019 21:47

This relationship is not letting you be your best self x

Original poster

daydream2019 · 09/05/2019 21:50

Really sorry to post in the wrong forum. I'm new to this and trying to move it.

OP posts:

Original poster

daydream2019 · 09/05/2019 21:52

Also. Thank you ladies for your advice. Its just so hard.

OP posts:

MNHQ

KimMumsnet · 09/05/2019 22:02

Hi there, OP. Welcome to Mumsnet. We'll move this thread to Relationships for you now.

Kim

Haffiana · 09/05/2019 22:26

What is most worrying is that you are blaming your partner for your behaviour. He made flirty texts, you asked him to stop and he did.

However your list of who he can communicate with, and what he can communicate about verges on the controlling. He is feeling controlled by you and in order to manage your irrational demands he has to constantly hide from you his -perfectly normal by the sounds of it - relationships with his friends. He is walking on eggshells.

If my partner kept snooping through my phone in this manner I would dump them. You have a right to be upset at your partner's behaviour but you do not have the right to tell him how to behave or to police his life. You leave him no space to decide for himself whether or how he respects you or keeps you happy, as you are trying to control him. This is not a healthy, mutually respectful relationship between two autonomous adults.

You have trust issues. These are your issues. Making your partner act in such a way in order to 'fix' your issues will never work, because it is the issues that are the problem, not his behaviour. You cannot have a proper relationship unless you address these issues.

LemonTT · 09/05/2019 22:30

Tech abuse is a recognised thing and what you are doing is on that spectrum. He has no privacy and is telling you he is scared of your behaviour if you find something you don't like.

You say that your fertility is a private matter. But you can't play the privacy card doing what you are doing.

I think everyone is allowed a one off check of the phone if they truly suspect infidelity. But the quid pro quo should be that it is end if you find something you don't like. I wouldn't want to acting like a prison warden in my relationship no matter how justified it would be. That's when you end it. Because it is not healthy.

It is not just about wasting your time, your behaviour is wrong and borderline abuse. If he is the cause , end it. You will never be satisfied until you catch him out. So you are doomed to a life of mistrust or finding him out. Neither is worth it.

Dirtybadger · 09/05/2019 22:35

I would delete my messages if my DP was looking at them. He deserves some privacy.

If you cant trust him you need to find a way to, or end things.

NameChangeNugget · 10/05/2019 08:00

Tell him what you have been doing and see what he wants to do.

He was out of order and rightly danced to your tune. Now you’re the one being out of order

AnyFucker · 10/05/2019 08:03

This isn't really a relationship, is it ?

EggAndButter · 10/05/2019 08:15

I have to say I wouod be wondering what are all those texts/messages that he is deleting.
He is SAYING they are stupid things like jokes etc... and he is also saying that he is doing so because he knows you wouod be annoyed/angry if you saw them.

I’m also wondering why he needed to come and snoop on your phone in the first place....

So for me, there are only two possibilities

he is actually still doing whatever he wants but is much more careful than he was. Yes ur spider sense are telling you you can’t trust him ut you dint have any proof anymore since you busted him.

you really have some issues with trust and actually you are at the root of the problem. Your partner doesn’t dare leaving stuff that are totally innocent for fear of your reaction.

You will know in which category you fall.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/05/2019 10:01

No trust = no relationship.
You should not be living your life snooping on someone because you don't trust them.
It's an awful way to live.
Always waiting for the next thing to happen.
And YES, you are wasting your time.
End it - work on yourself - work on your trust issues and then move on with your life.

Pinkmonkeybird · 10/05/2019 10:13

Ugh, if there is no trust, there is no relationship.

I've been cheated on and wouldn't have known if hadn't checked his phone, so in some cases there is no smoke without fire. It's not a way to live at all. I'd end the relationship if there is no trust at all.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread