How do you ask someone you're casually dating but who has gone a bit cold with texting if they want to leave it ?

[bigchris]

I feel like I need closure

I feel sad because we were really close, texting etc but he's gone quiet , started off saying busy but now really quiet

Before he was so enthusiastic, I feel sad but feel like I need closure

Bythecooker - what did he say and how did you phrase it ?

If you want closure then just ask him straight out. Something casual and non needy sounding. Something like 'I noticed you've seemed quite distant lately, shall we just put a pause on us dating for now?'

And if he says yes then just take it as he doesn't want to date anymore and delete his number.

I'm sure someone else may give you a better way to phrase it,

It does sound like he's phasing you out though, men are such wimps!

Don't stop dating though, enjoy the process until you find your mr right.

I basically said you're going to have to spell it out to me if you want to go out again because you've gone quiet and it would be nice to see you again. Something like that. I then got the whole no chemistry thing back which I said was fine but I also pointed out that he should have told me. I don't think I was undignified, I didn't come across like a crazy and maybe he will be more straightforward with the next woman! I just knew I needed to know!!! Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you ! No chemistry is such a cop out !

I had this twice OP, the first one I really liked and I was shocked at how much it gutted me, the second went cold after three dates then got in touch after an entire week had gone by and gave me some shit about being really busy. My response was something like this:

"Hi yeah I'm good thanks. Yes that's fine I think to be honest it's obvious we're not compatible. I meant what I said I don't want to dive into anything and I'm happy to take things slowly but sorry for a week to go by just isn't what I want from someone. No hard feelings, all the best to you."

Never believe someone who says they're too busy OP. All it means is they're too busy for you.

Fuck him x

Yep! Pretty obvious he just met someone he liked more. Hurts but there it is! Hang in there!

Thank you , that's how I feel, how can you text loads one week and then the next nothing, no one is that busy one week and quiet another !

Ooh I like borninglasgows message too. I'll be saving that one for future reference!!

I had this (several times) and sent a message along the lines of 'you appear to have backed off, if I'm wrong let's set up another date, but if I'm not then all the best'. Got some bullshit reply back that I can't even remember. It didn't give me closure, just annoyed me further.

Yes borninglasgow you are my hero !

Wish I was brave and confident instead of a complete fuck up

Me too bigchris! Fake it til you make it! Although I think in this particular case I faked the play it cool too much and that's what made him lose interest. Can't bloody win! Too needy , too cool , ahhhh

Oh really ? I don't think I've ever been too cool in my life !

I had one of these. Everything was great for a few months, then he went quiet. When I asked what was going on, he blamed being busy at work and said the following month would be better. When the following month was just the same, I deleted and blocked him everywhere.
I felt like shit though, and took a break from OLD (which I’m still on).
It's just too easy for them to ghost you and move onto their next conquest. OLD has a lot to answer for

This was my first attempt at play it cool! Backfired!!! I'm being a bit tongue in cheek but it is difficult to be open, warm and trusting when you know they're keeping their options open all the time!!

I'm not brave or confident OP I'm just getting too old to play mind games or silly dating rules. Don't play it cool, don't look too keen blah blah blah. Who can be arsed? Just say it how it is good or bad then everyone knows where we all stand and anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off. The whole 'ghosting' thing is honestly so pathetic I think adults should be embarrassed to treat each other like that. I'd much rather someone told me they didn't want to see me again because I'm a shit shag with a baggy minge rather than leave me confused and over thinking it for weeks instead! Spineless tossers! X

I’m sure you’re not a fuck up!

And there is absolutely no reason to regret having sex that you enjoyed and enthusiastically engaged in at the time. If you regret it now because he’s gone cold and you think that he might not have done if you’d held back, then you maybe need to stop viewing sex as currency or a secret hand to be played.

When I was doing a lot of dating, after a few situations like this, I managed to get myself in a headspace where I wasn’t immediately sizing everyone up as a potential life partner, I accepted that some people would be around a short time, some would be around for very good sex, others might become friends, and only very infrequently will it be more. I also stopped obsessing over being liked and approved of by men, and made sure I paused to make sure I was even interested in them myself before I got myself wrapped up in the dynamics of pining for someone and needing their attention and validation constantly. I realised that sometimes I had got myself so fraught with insecurities about “what if he doesn’t like me?!” that I never stopped to think if I even liked him. And it was giving people too much power over me.

Youre so right, the sex was great, I keep thinking did my stomach put him off etc etc but deep down I know he loved the sex as much as I did , I'm so glad I posted, I do feel better now

Plus he was sexting after we'd had sex so obviously nothing had put him off at that point

See again I agree with borninglasgow. They should tell you if they're not interested, it's common manners and to just wither away is so immature. That's why I asked for clarity, partly for my closure and partly to put him on the spot. It's not the right way for everyone but it was for me. I did then delete his number to stop myself going back and adding another morsel, but that's cause I know how dumb I can be! Saved myself from myself so I'm learning something!!

Sorry OP dating and being single can be brutal. I think try to stop thinking you could have influenced the situation, this is about him and not you. He has decided to back off and not pursue a relationship. You could try for answers but he'll probably give you polite lies.

Think of a guy you dated but you lost interest and he didn't? I've had some...I've given them 'kind' and polite reasons, said I'm not ready for a relationship, too busy with work, kids etc and backed off. In reality I just felt I wasnt compatible with that person, lovely as they may be.

Treat yourself, go to the cinema or something fun, then when you're ready find a man who deserves your time.

I've been online dating a bit after the end of a long relationship. So it's a big learning curve in terms of what's normal and how people behave. I think it's really easy come, easy go tbh, so even though you feel like you know someone because you have shared a lot of messages and info, it's good to remember that you don't really know them in person. I try to remember how many real life dates/meetings I would have had in the past before getting emotionally involved. Then I try to stick to the same principle.

I also don't think it's a bad thing to seek closure/ask why someone's gone cool. I think after meeting for a date or even after arranging a date that gets cancelled, the person who's backing out should have the guts to say so. I would usually say something (a bit lame) like - I think we've run out of momentum a bit/I thought we got along really well, but didn't have the right chemistry etc. I think just stopping messaging after a certain point is quite rude.

Equally, I don't think there's anything lame or embarrassing about seeking clarification. A basic message along the lines of - Haven't heard from you in a while, should we call it a day?/Things seem to have fizzled out here, but I enjoyed meeting you and hope you find what you're looking for. If you don't get a response, you know the answer. If you do get a message, you know the answer.

Good luck going forward!

Chances are he may get in touch in a few days when he needs an ego boost. Please sit on your hands and ignore ignore ignore. Silence will bother him more.

Yes it seems like game playing but I’ve never had to play games with someone who was really into me.

Online dating is utterly brutal! It should come with s health warning. I think you look at this event as a 'teachable moment' as our USA friends say.
Personally, I would block and move on. Delete the number. If you are not his priority, no matter what the lame excuse, he should not be your priority Don't get all bitter and start to doubt yourself. Just remember, the more lines you have in the water, the better chance of a bite! Take all the dates you can manage, dinner, lunches, spirts events... you never know when or where you will meet someone and you just click.
I promise, there are good people out there, and people with your interests and your values. It just sometimes takes time to find them amongst the wide array of * ankers 😉

Love you borninglasgow! I too can't be arsed with all the mind games. I try to do what will make ME feel better and personally l like closure on my terms. If you need to say something then do and then walk away. I once told a guy he had given me the best sex of my life, l couldn't see him again because l would get feelings and that he should take it as a compliment ( it was an NSA site). Totally uncool and l got no response but l am still glad l said it. It was how l felt at the time and l always think there's something powerful about honesty and being real.

I used to suggest to people in these circumstances to "just ask him what's going on".

I don't do that anymore, because I found myself in a similar situation last year, and he wasn't able to tell the truth even when I laid it out in front of him. So I ended it.