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Original poster

Advice needed on new relationship (children involved)

27 replies

RiverBee · 09/05/2019 15:18

Hi everyone, would appreciate some advice.

I have recently met someone great. We started out completely as friends. We met at softplay ha! (I know, ridiculous). Both single parents obviously. Our sons just started playing together and they hit it off. It was all very friendly for the first month or so. I live in a small town and we would bump into each other (not arranged!!) at the park or soft play or just out and about. I didn't think much of it, it was mostly just chit chat whilst the boys played. Anyway, it got to the point about 2 months ago that it became something more. Since then, NOTHING has changed in front of the boys. There hasn't been a single time we have touched, kissed, hugged or spoke about anything 'flirty' whilst with them. They are 1.5 and just turned 3. We spend 'proper' time together at night or when we don't have our children. When they are together it is completely friendly, as it was before it developed and I would never even dream of anything else.

I would like some advice on how you would deal with this. I did think perhaps when it became something more we should stop hanging out with the boys, but they adore each other! We have hit a dilemma. Last week his son started talking about me and my son to his Mum. Now, in any ordinary situation, I imagined if I started seeing someone, it would be a while before they met my child, and I imagined I would be letting my ex know it would be happening. This would be after I knew it was serious and worth it. Like I said it has only been 2 months of actual dating, it would be at the normal stage of telling our ex partners about them yet but the situation makes it hard.

This has all happened so organically, I have met his child a lot, way before it became romantic. His ex is (rightly so) kicking off about this and I really am struggling on how to deal with it? Do we just stop the playdates now that its romantic and go back to square 1, dating and then reintroduce at a later date? Would that just confuse them (more so the 3 year old). As I said the boys know nothing - to his son I am just my sons Mum.

I never thought I would meet someone WHILST out and about with my son. Help! Is his ex right in being annoyed? How should I work this. She started a huge argument with him a few days ago, said she asked her son if Daddy and me kissed and cuddled and he said yes. Now, this is COMPLETELY untrue, I would never do anything like that. There hasn't even been a case where we have sneaked a kiss or cuddle when we thought they weren't looking - it just hasn't happened. I am not sure if she made it up or you know how 3 year olds can be like, you can ask them if there is a unicorn in their bedroom and their imagination runs wild and they would say yes.

Any advice? x

OP posts:
Original poster
RiverBee · 09/05/2019 15:20

I meant it WOULDN'T be at a the normal stage of telling our ex's about each other.

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 09/05/2019 15:24

I don't think his ex has any right to 'kick off' about this actually. Presuming they are not together/are divorced etc, he has the right to move on, meet someone else.

Is she a particularly difficult ex in other ways?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/05/2019 15:26

What is she actually kicking off about? How long have they been separated?

It may be that she's not over him yet. I'd watch your back and just carry on as you are.

Original poster
RiverBee · 09/05/2019 15:30

@Brakebackcyclebot

They were never married, been split almost 2 years.

Urm, I would say so. I only hear his side of the story but from I have been told, he is pretty terrified of her in terms of how she could make his life harder with contact.

I just want to be respectful and I'm not sure how. Of course to her I'm brand new, and the thought of another woman around her son will be tough but to her son I am literally just his mates Mum.

Nightmare!

OP posts:
Original poster
RiverBee · 09/05/2019 15:32

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Just that he has been taking his son around another woman I guess!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/05/2019 15:57

Hi think your DP needs to have a word with her; explain how you met, that you don't have any physical contact in front of the boys and then tell her to mind her own flipping business!

stucknoue · 09/05/2019 16:11

Ex is jealous imho that's all, you have done nothing wrong but as the issue has been forced and perhaps his son has got wind somehow it's time to talk to the kids about the fact you are more than just friends but take it very slowly (no sleepovers etc for a while). Ex only has a right to get involved if there's a safeguarding issue which there hasn't been

NASA20 · 09/05/2019 16:13

I don't think you've done anything wrong, but I would also feel uneasy about this because like you say you wouldn't normally introduce a partner or let them be around your child for a long time so its kind of like your skipping the only seeing the new partner when you don't have your kids stage altogether. You cant help how you met him at the end of the day and your being respectful in front of the kids which should reassure his ex so he needs to talk to her and explain how you met.

Original poster
RiverBee · 09/05/2019 16:23

@NASA20

@stucknoue

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

He has told her how we met, but she is saying now I shouldn't be around her son because its romantic. Its very frustrating as like I said we do not act couply around the kids at all. I am actually quite worried that his son may turn on me - not in a horrible way as hes only little, but if he feels as though his mum is always questioning him about me, in his little head that may confuse him and give him bad vibes/he may associate me with a feeling oof anxiety or something. Would honestly break my heart as I adore him.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/05/2019 16:25

she is saying now I shouldn't be around her son because its romantic

Ah... the green-eyed monster is alive and well. She's jealous. it's none of her business. Leave her to it.

Unfortunately, you can't control what she tells her son, but you can control how you behave towards him. Just keep doing what you're doing.

BigRedLondonBus · 09/05/2019 16:25

why would the child lie to his mum?

Original poster
RiverBee · 09/05/2019 16:35

@BigRedLondonBus

I don’t think he would lie to his Mum - do 3 year olds even know the concept of lying?! I just think he was questioned alot by her and he just agreed with what she was saying or she herself has completely lied. I have no idea but what I do know is that what has been said is not true in anyway shape or form.

OP posts:
BigRedLondonBus · 09/05/2019 16:39

I’m just thinking from her view. I can see why she’s annoyed. New partner has been introduced to her child already and according to the child kissing and cuddling infant of them.
I wouldn’t be happy with a new partner introduced to my child after only 2 months either tbh and you said your self you wouldn’t normally do it, so I’m sure you wouldn’t be impressed if your ex did it.

Brakebackcyclebot · 09/05/2019 16:39

I only hear his side of the story but from I have been told, he is pretty terrified of her in terms of how she could make his life harder with contact

I just want to be respectful and I'm not sure how. Of course to her I'm brand new, and the thought of another woman around her son will be tough but to her son I am literally just his mates Mum

Agree with PP. You sound very reasonable. They have been split for 2 years - is his child the 3 year old?

She is trying to control his actions and behaviours, and he is letting her. Honestly, unless this he faces this head on now, he has 2 decades of difficulty ahead of him potentially. She has no right to dictate who your DP spends time with when their son is with him.

The "nightmare" isn't the situation, it is her!

Original poster
RiverBee · 09/05/2019 16:42

@BigRedLondonBus

Have you read them original post? I wasn’t introduced after 2 months.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 09/05/2019 16:44

I don’t think the DC will miss out much by not seeing each other, so would stop the playdates, except occasionally, and just date.

Loopytiles · 09/05/2019 16:44

But it’s not your bf’s ex’s business reallyz

Pipandmum · 09/05/2019 16:47

I’m not sure why it’s so bad to be affectionate with each other in front of the kids. Yes if you met under different circumstances you might wait but you met because if the kids. They get on, the kids get in with both of you - what’s the issue? They are pretty young I think this is better than if they were older and could get jealous of say this guy is taking mummy’s attention away from me. It seems perfectly natural to the kids now.Chill out and be happy you found someone!

BigRedLondonBus · 09/05/2019 16:53

So it’s been 3 months? Basically your saying it was only after a month you started dating. That doesn’t make it any different to me.

Original poster
RiverBee · 09/05/2019 16:57

@Brakebackcyclebot

Yep the 3 year old is his so he’s much more aware in terms of being able to talk etc.

I do think I’m being reasonable but I just want to deal with it correctly, I see no reason why me and his ex in time cannot be friends or at least civil. When my ex eventually gets a GF, I honestly will be grateful to anyone who gives my son love! Obviously as long as it’s dealt with sensitively and in a responsible manner. I see a couple of people on this thread have disagreed with me so I definitely have to be aware people see the situation v differently, it’s tough!

OP posts:
Original poster
RiverBee · 09/05/2019 17:00

@BigRedLondonBus

No, no. I don’t mean that. I mean I was never introduced to his son in any manner. I have been around his son a lot, way before things turned romantic. I was just my sons Mum - I have never been introduced to his son. I’ve been around him now for 4ish months give or take, and nothing has changed, the only thing that’s changed is mine and DPs relationship. I can’t go back in time and unmeet his son - we met in completely natural circumstances, just like I have met plenty of other mums in my area and have formed relationships with their children except thus time it happened to be a Dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
RiverBee · 09/05/2019 17:06

@BigRedLondonBus

I’m not sure if you’ve read my post correctly - me and DP were just friends, like I am friends with other mums I meet at softplay/parks etc. It turned to more over a month afterwards. In that time I had seen him tons of times and Our boys had formed a little bond. I didn’t even have any notion of it becoming more when we first met! This is what I mean by I can’t go back and unmeet him - I am now very familiar to his son as is he to mine.

OP posts:
weekendninja · 09/05/2019 17:09

I'd continue as you are.

His ex sounds particularly jealous...that will get worse believe me.

My only concern would be that you're skipping the dating stage and not getting enough time just the two of you.

Original poster
RiverBee · 09/05/2019 17:18

@weekendninja

You think? He was saying soon he will explain to his 3 year old what we are but I’ve said is there any need for that? Does a 3 year old really care? Surely all that’s important is someone being kind to him, he doesn’t care about bf/gfs! I’m Winging this clearly - I really have no idea

We do spend a lot of time together without them too. He stays over 1-2 times a week and we have days out just he and I sometimes. I do know what you mean though.

OP posts:
Original poster
RiverBee · 09/05/2019 17:20

I also don’t see why she would be jealous - she broke up with him! Perhaps a case of she doesn’t want him but doesn’t want anyone else to have him?

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