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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I have to cut contact? Over keen guy :/

27 replies

Sharkirasharkira · 09/05/2019 12:44

Met this guy for a date the other night.

He is super lovely, paid for everything, bought me flowers, a real gentleman.

I don't fancy him at all Sad I would be happy to stay friends but I'm worried that would encourage him too much. He is SUPER keen, has offered to lend me money, take me on holiday, and so on. He even mentioned marriage and me possibly being 'the one'! We've been on one date!

It's all too much too soon and I'm a little freaked out but he is so nice and I know I'll really hurt him if I cut contact. I think maybe it's necessary though, I don't want to lead him on. I've told him that it's not going to go anywhere and I don't like him that way but he doesn't seem to be getting the message.

Never really been in this position before, no idea what the best thing to do is!

OP posts:
IToldYouIWasFreaky · 09/05/2019 12:50

If you've told him your not interested and he is continuing to try it on rather than respecting your decision then he is not a nice guy.

He sounds mega controlling and like he could be a nightmare! Cut contact and block him everywhere now.

Whatisgoingonwithmylife · 09/05/2019 12:51

Red flag! Unlikely to be about you, and more likely to be his mo! Google ‘love bombing’ Flowers

Dirtybadger · 09/05/2019 12:52

As above. Definitely cut contact.

PlatypusLeague · 09/05/2019 12:53

No, don't stay in touch.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2019 12:53

Cut contact; this man has an awful lot of red flags about him. Do not stay friends with this man either, you owe this person nothing. Why do you think you will hurt him if you were to cut contact also?. That is really no concern here because he is already not wanting to hear the message. You could well end up being stalked by him.

Read all this article too particularly point number 2:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Ditch the dating scene and work on strengthening your boundaries.

Equalityumber · 09/05/2019 12:54

He sounds weird. Get rid.

Singlenotsingle · 09/05/2019 12:55

That happened to me once. I dropped him like a hot potato!

AudacityOfHope · 09/05/2019 12:55

He is definitely not nice! You've told him to back off and he isn't listening. That's not what a good person would do.

Block him. You've only met him once, what do you really care?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2019 12:55

This is point 2 I make reference to:-

"The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship".

Pigsinduvets · 09/05/2019 13:07

He’s love bombing. It’s a red flag. Cut contact.
Read up on this and other signs of abusive characters. Then you’ll be better equipped at identifying the good guys and the bad guys when dating.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/are-you-dating-abuser

madamedeluxe · 09/05/2019 13:58

He won’t be that hurt. He’s only just met you. This kind of guy will bounce back and be on to the next but you have to be firm and mean it when you say you don’t want to see him again.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/05/2019 16:28

Run OP - yes cut contact.
This sounds like one of my Ex's
I had to cut contact and block him from everything.
He still wrote me letters and posted them through my door but he got the message.
I had to be rude and blunt in the end as it wasn't sinking in.
End it now - it only gets worse.
And don't worry about upsetting him.
You've had one date - ONE!!!!!
You don't owe him anything other than a text message ending it.

CarolDanvers · 09/05/2019 16:29

Who cares if He gets hurt?! He shouldn’t be behaving in such a ridiculous fashion. He’s doing it to himself. Cut him off and don’t give him a second thought.

coffeechoc · 09/05/2019 16:31

He isn't respecting boundaries, huge red flag. I think most people would be freaked out!

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2019 16:33

Don't give a second thought about his "feelings." This man is a total creep, op. He is WAY over the top and completely love bombing you. This is classic behaviour of an abusive man. There are massive red flags all over the place. Text him buh-bye and then block.

Sagradafamiliar · 09/05/2019 16:38

He's not nice, he's a freak. Women need to stop falling for this shit, feeling guilty as the default setting as opposed to 'Christ, how fast can I run?'

AsleepAllDay · 09/05/2019 16:41

He sounds creepy! A nice man is nice but he is love bombing. Get away!

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2019 16:42

He's not nice, he's a freak. Women need to stop falling for this shit, feeling guilty as the default setting as opposed to 'Christ, how fast can I run?'

This 10,000x over.

Op, there is NOTHING "lovely" about this man. Offering you money, flowers, talking about taking a holiday and marriage on your FIRST date?

This freak is fucking terrifying.

Dirtybadger · 09/05/2019 16:47

Imagine what advise a man would get if he said a woman he went on one date with was talking about marriage.

Its not "nice" because he is a bloke. Its unhinged!

AsleepAllDay · 09/05/2019 16:59

If he feels this strongly after one date, he'll be off to the next date and proposing marriage next week, don't worry

OP as women we are conditioned to prevent men from feeling discomfort, which is why you feel bad about not being interested in him. The fact is: you don't fancy him

That should be enough. Then there's the blazing huge alarm signals of PROPOSING MARRIAGE SAYING YOU'RE THE ONE WANTING A HOLIDAY OFFERING TO LEND MONEY

you would want to believe that someone so intense will always be like this, totally into you and looking to please!

The reality is that no, this isn't a case of a man being too nice. This is a man looking to manipulate you with love and affection because he knows you want these things. I shudder to think what is underneath all this

You could have strong feelings or a spark after one date, but anyone other than a love bomber with wrong intentions would take it from date to date.

He doesn't know you. Probably doesn't know your birthday, credit score, mum's name, what you look like in the morning, deepest fears, how you like your steak etc. None of these are prerequisites for falling in love but I'm trying to emphasise that he knows NOTHING about you, let alone the information that makes a person tick, or small trivia, or anything meaningful.

This isn't nice, it's sinister. Block him

Graphista · 09/05/2019 17:53

Think you need to learn what "nice" really is.

His behaviour and therefore he is not "nice"

That's love bombing/overly obligating, he's banking on the socialisation of women to be "nice" to men if the man has done something "nice" for them to get him what he wants - regardless of your needs as a human being.

It's actually a trick employed by con artists - give a little to get a lot.

Original poster
Sharkirasharkira · 09/05/2019 23:45

I don't necessarily think he is a bad guy per se, just young and immature. I think he feels he needs to buy me stuff/offer me things to get or keep me interested but it doesn't work that way!

I've had to tell him to stop with all the offers of stuff, that's it's all too much too soon as I don't want it. He apologised but we'll see if he sticks to it! I feel a bit sorry for him, he is obviously desperate to be loved Sad

OP posts:
Graphista · 10/05/2019 01:47

Why do you feel the need to have any more to do with him at all? This is insane!

This is the kind of behaviour seen in stalkers ffs!

KennyCalmIt · 10/05/2019 03:42

Urgh please do not have anything more to do with this guy and make sure he knows that

Trust me, he will not get the message if you hint or you’re nice about it. Tell him loud and clear his behaviour is weird and you don’t want to hear or see him again.
People like this don’t get hints. They need to be told. He is full of issues and you aren’t there to fix them. He might seem nice now but chances are a few weeks/months down the line and you’d see a whole different side to him.

category12 · 10/05/2019 05:34

Bloody hell, op, run away. He's not your responsibility.

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