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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fell out with the sister in law

28 replies

Laurens96 · 09/05/2019 09:32

Just before Christmas my partner and I both fell out with his sister.
She kicked off for no reason other then for the sake of it. She screamed at us chucked stuff about and hit my partner she even ragged her own 12 month old son about.
My partners 8 year old daughter was there and absolutely petrified of her auntie and never wants to see her again.
I think it may be partly because she did coke and weed but had to stop cold turkey because of being pregnant.
My partner and I have decided we want a baby but I don't want his sister around them unless I'm there to know they're safe.
I've explained I don't trust his sister because she's unstable has temper issues and didn't even care about possibly hurting her own baby.
He's saying I'm being controlling and unreasonable because when they make up he has every right to take his child there.
I just need a bit of advice as I don't know whether I'm wrong to not want his sister by my future baby without me

OP posts:

Perfectomonday · 09/05/2019 09:52

She sounds nuts.
Don't worry about what the future holds. Take it one visit at a time- if she's there and she's acting respectfully then fine- you don't have to make much of an effort.
Also, it's quite normal for you to not want to be away from your baby for atleast the first 6 months anyway, so it's normal that he wouldn't get the chance to take the baby to see his sister anyway, particularly if you choose to breastfeed. Then worry about it after this time, should the issue arise.

I havent seen my own sister in 2 years. She has never met my baby. It's sad but I've got used to it now and my baby doesn't and won't ever miss her.

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2019 09:53

Wow. I wouldn't want to be around her regardless of whether I had a child or not. Your dp needs to get his priorities right. Are you sure it's a good idea to have a baby with him?

Happynow001 · 09/05/2019 11:03

My partners 8 year old daughter was there and absolutely petrified of her auntie and never wants to see her again.
...

He's saying I'm being controlling and unreasonable because when they make up he has every right to take his child there.
So he's not concerned about his 8yo being petrified and not wanting to see her aunt again and he's calling you controlling for not wanting your future child together although she behaves abusively?
**
She screamed at us chucked stuff about and hit my partner she even ragged her own 12 month old son about.

Perhaps you should reconsider current plans to have children with this man who apparently sees nothing wrong in how his sister behaves?

Original poster

Laurens96 · 09/05/2019 11:09

My partners not talking to her the minute but has said when they do that between him and her as it's his sister not mine which I understand that.
But when we do have a baby that would then make it my business.
I thought I was being totally reasonable by saying when they do make up I would be willing to let her see the baby when I'm there so I know it's safe.
He doesn't see the point in discussing it because he's not talking to her at the minute and because I'm not pregnant yet although we are trying x

OP posts:

PleaseJustSayNo · 09/05/2019 11:13

Surely he is going to be there though? Even if you're not.

If you don't trust him with the safety of any child you have, there are other problems here too

FireflyEden · 09/05/2019 11:15

So if you saw her rag her 12 month around, did any of you report her to the Police or SS? I would be more concerned about the children close to her, her own baby and the 8 year old.

Original poster

Laurens96 · 09/05/2019 11:21

He won't report her because he doesn't want his nephews to be taken into care.
He didn't take his daughter away her I took her outside because kept saying she wanted to go and was crying and shaking saying she wanted to go back to her moms but he didn't want to leave without trying to talk things out with his sister x

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 09/05/2019 11:43

Yeah he's a real keeper! Daughter in distress and fearful you shaken up as well but he wanted to stick around for his own benefit! He won't be told what to do and gaslights you and calls you controlling-yeah the world will be better with more like him on this earth!

Original poster

Laurens96 · 09/05/2019 12:12

His daughter doesn't want to go back even 5 months later and his son wasn't there when it happened but he didn't really get on with her anyway as he said she's nasty.
My reaction was just to get my partners daughter out of the way which her mom thanked me for.
My partner said he'd never let anything happen to his kids but I really don't trust her because if the way she just snapped for no apparent reason other then maybe going through withdrawals.
I've contemplated maybe starting the pill again but a baby is something we both want x

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2019 12:33

Social services would work with his sister and not necessarily take the child into care immediately. He has no real idea of how such services do operate and speaks out of ignorance and fear.

I would not be wanting a child by this man; he is showing you by both word and deed that he has a misguided sense of obligation to his sister, is completely unreliable and gaslights you.

Halo84 · 09/05/2019 13:21

Your DP won’t report her, but you can.

S1naidSucks · 09/05/2019 13:26

My partner said he'd never let anything happen to his kids

Too late, he already has. He ignored his little girl’s distress and paid more attention to the argument with his sister. He has stood by and let you protect HIS daughter. This is not a man to have a child with.

Windygate · 09/05/2019 14:20

My partner said he'd never let anything happen to his kids

That's exactly what did happen, he didn't protect his daughter or his nephew from his sister. You'd be a fool to have a child with this man

pasanda · 09/05/2019 14:32

Agreed. You would be foolish to have a baby with this man. Too much drama even before it's conceived.

Well done for removing the 8 year old. Thank god you were there.

He on the other hand is an idiot.

FireflyEden · 09/05/2019 17:31

Sorry OP as much as I can see why you are concerned about letting any child of yours be around her, the only concern anyone should have should be for the 12 month old.

Quite frankly I do not care one bit about what he wants, the little baby's welfare is paramount and he clearly needs to be removed until his mum gets off the drugs.

As for you, please do not bring a baby into this environment.

JuniFora · 09/05/2019 20:04

I wouldn't have a baby with him. He's already telling you that she's going to be around any children you have together as he'll have made up with her by then.

What if she threw that aggressive tantrum around your newborn and hurt it? You even said yourself, you had to move his child out of the way, you had to protect her. He doesn't have the protective instinct, if he did, his first reaction would have been to protect his child.

AgentJohnson · 11/05/2019 12:14

The fact that he prioritised his sister over his 8 year old child, says all you need to know about the type of unhealthy dynamic he will expect you to enable.

Do not pregnant by this idiot.

MMmomDD · 11/05/2019 13:23

You are not wrong to be careful and have concerns.
However - you are wrong to think that anyone in a relationship can forbid the other from seeing family with a baby.
Either you trust your bf or you don’t. It goes beyond this particular issue.
Don’t have a baby with him if you can’t trust his judgement. Because it comes to that - trust.

As to the particular incident - hard to say as we weren’t there. And don’t know her over years.
People - even most sane ones make mistakes and act weird at times. Mostly - as people we tend to look at a broader picture and it’s rarely a one-stroke-out thing.

Your bf already isn’t talking to her. What more do you need? Indefinite shunning?
He is only saying - if and when he trusts her and relationship start again - he will re-connect. She is family - family gets chances at forgiveness.

HollowTalk · 11/05/2019 13:26

I think you should very seriously reconsider having a child with this man. He doesn't have your back at all. He doesn't look out for his own daughter, so why would he look out for yours? Instead he is backing a violent woman who has a problem with drugs. Think about it.

GreenTulips · 11/05/2019 13:28

What happens if you split up and he has 50:50?
You aren’t married - you have mire to think about than conceiving

Cherrysoup · 11/05/2019 15:24

Are you serious? You still want to have a baby with this guy who’s told you he basically won’t protect your child from someone who is unbalanced and violent? Really?

BumbleBeee69 · 11/05/2019 15:41

Why would you have a baby with this man

DizzySue · 11/05/2019 17:48

Family sound like nutters, steer clear of them and don't have babies with this man.

FrogFairy · 11/05/2019 18:04

Please don’t tie yourself to this family by having a baby with this man.

SandyY2K · 12/05/2019 02:22

Based on everything you've said, it would be poor judgement to have a baby with him.

He didn't protect his DD...eht would he be any different with a child of yours?

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