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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partners Dog Passed Away - How Can I Help? Lack of communication.

28 replies

historymakesit · 08/05/2019 16:07

Hi Mumsnetters.

My girlfriends dog has very sadly had to be put to sleep today. He was a big part of their life 15 years or so. It came rather out of the blue so it's a massive shock to the system.

I want to be the best I can support wise for her in this very difficult time. We live apart and a fair distance from one another so its not easy for me to just 'Pop' over. I've not had this happen before so I'm not sure how to best be in the situation.

We text all day and as you can imagine today has been understandably different. I've let her know i'm so sorry for the loss, that i'm there for her, and only a call away if she needs me and there to support her. She replied with thank you and that was it.

Any ideas on how to help/manage this? Should I leave her be and now let her reach out when shes ready rather than pestering with messages to keep conversation going/help take her mind off things?

Thanks!

OP posts:
pudding21 · 08/05/2019 16:33

Nice of you to be so concerned, I'll be heartbroken if it were my dog. You've told her you are thinking of her, she knows where you are.

If you usually text at night, maybe just send a thinking of you text, and give her big hug when you see her.

Original poster
historymakesit · 08/05/2019 16:39

We usually text throughout the day back and forth, her replies are hours between eachother today and close ended. I dont know whether to leave her be or try push for conversation on other topics or give her space?

OP posts:
ChocOrCheese · 08/05/2019 17:42

It's going to be really raw in the beginning. In my experience (twice in the last two years) I would not have welcomed someone trying to take my mind off it unless I was driving that approach. Not knowing you or her it's hard to say; my gut feeling is that it is best for you to give her space, but send the occasional message - not necessarily inviting a reply. If she reaches out at all on the subject of the death, or what is happening to the remains, or anything related to the dog then do encourage her to let it out and keep the conversation going.

mushlett · 08/05/2019 20:16

I would send flowers and a poem about losing a dog, I did this for my friend and she really appreciated it.
There’s some lovely poems about dogs passing and I think it’s a kind and non obtrusive gesture.

buckeejit · 08/05/2019 22:09

Agree with flowers & poem. Just let her know you're there if she does want to talk

Honeyroar · 09/05/2019 07:22

Just text her now and again to say you’re thinking of her, and flowers would be lovely. Give her time. Let her grieve as she needs to.

bouncydog · 09/05/2019 07:38

I would send her flowers with a “thinking of you note”. I wouldn’t send a poem as she might get even more upset. When you lose a loved pet, the first day or so is the worst time so give her a little space.

Original poster
historymakesit · 09/05/2019 09:11

Thank you for your responses and kind words all.

We managed to exchange some texts last night but few and far between.

This morning is again very short and long delays between responses again. I just feel so useless. I know this isn't about me but I don't feel like she even wants to speak to me as she used to.. It's very difficult for her I know but am just feeling very sidelined and unimportant in her life when I want to be there to help her.

Perhaps i'm being selfish and irrational.

OP posts:
compolovesnorah · 09/05/2019 11:11

I don't feel like she even wants to speak to me as she used to.

In the nicest possible way OP, she probably doesn't...but...that is not to say she has gone off you or is thinking any less of you.

You mention feeling 'sidelined' and 'unimportant' but really, honestly, none of this is about you at the moment & I know you have acknowledged that in your post.
I don't think you can do any more than you are doing. A short text here and there "thinking of you", "hope you're OK", "here if you need me"...that kind of thing, but I wouldn't expect long conversations.

It sounds from your post that you are just missing talking to her but the poor lass is busy dealing with her grief and that takes time.
For context, I lost my very, very DDog last year and was utterly, utterly devastated. He was my very best friend and I really struggled with the grief his passing caused. I didn't have much interest in speaking to anyone around me, didn't mean I loved them all any less.
Things will get better, it just takes time.
For you're DP Flowers For you Brew Cake

compolovesnorah · 09/05/2019 11:13

*your DP not you're

pudding21 · 09/05/2019 11:48

You ARE being irrational and I took that tone from your first post. She just lost a member of her family, one she has had in her life for a long time. I would also be utterly devastated if I lost my dog. Leave her to it, she will feel better hopefully soon and be back to communicating normally.

My dog was very ill last year with a tick parasite, I nearly lost him and was so worried about him for a few days it was difficult to function as I was so occupied with him being ill.

I barely text during the day, she is clearly distracted by other things, doesn't mean she thinks less of you.

category12 · 09/05/2019 12:01

Give her a few days to get back to a more normal level of communication. It's too early to get fretful over it, just ride with it.

She's upset and nothing anyone can say or do will help right now. Messaging just don't touch it. Just message her to check in as usual, and good mornings and good nights, and restrain your anxiety. If it goes over 4 or 5 days, then start panicking.

Original poster
historymakesit · 09/05/2019 12:29

Hi Guys, thanks for the more recent posts, it made me feel a little better.

I just feel somewhat disconnected from her right now is the only way i can describe it really. It sucks to see her on social media but cant respond to me when im just trying to be there for her. Hours go by and I want to reach out again but I know theres no point in doing that.

I feel terrible shes upset and isn't herself.

Im just feeling alone and helpless I suppose.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 09/05/2019 12:37

Losing your dog is just as bad as losing a person you're really close to, sometimes worse. If you can look at it like that it will help.

What helps is just being there, just being present. Cuddles. Listening. Some people try to tell you not to cry which I hate, you need to cry and it's a natural response why shouldn't you. And some people try to find ways to get over it, I don't want to get over it or do something else I want to think about my dog. And I can only assume that some of this is because people don't understand what animals mean.

purpleme12 · 09/05/2019 12:44

I mean you wouldn't think of ways to take your mind off the grief if a person just died would you. Really annoys me (not directed at you)

Original poster
historymakesit · 09/05/2019 12:58

I totally understand that a pet loss is devastating, I've been through it myself with a family house cat.

I've tried my best to be there, and i've said the supporting words you would hope one would say. We live far apart so physical comfort isn't an option, I was thinking of sending a gift to cheer her up but im sure its too soon to do so. She told me she likes to deal with things like this on her own yesterday.

The radio silence and long delays in communication is really getting to me. I almost feel like im a nobody at the moment.

I last texted hours ago in response to what she had said and i've nothing back. I don't want to be a pest. Best just to let her be and reach out to me when ready?

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 09/05/2019 13:08

It's harder when you're further away yes.

Have you rang her?

It only happened yesterday so it's still very soon

Original poster
historymakesit · 09/05/2019 13:11

@purpleme12

I tried to call yesterday and she didn't pick up, so don't think I should call
again now?

Its been 4 hours since my last message.. and I know shes at home, just hope she OK? I dont want to seem pesty and needy.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 09/05/2019 13:12

Even if you call and she doesn't pick up it shows you're thinking of her. I'd try again even if she doesn't pick up.

purpleme12 · 09/05/2019 13:13

You could just leave a message saying she doesn't have to talk but you're thinking of her

category12 · 09/05/2019 13:39

You are being pesty and needy. Stop watching what she's doing on social media and go do something else.

Sometimes a person just needs to mindlessly click on stuff because they are trying to distract themselves, and can't cope with sympathy or being "real". Can you tell I identify with this yet? Grin

If it doesn't return to normal or semi-normal in a few days, then worry. In the meantime, put the social media away yourself.

ChocOrCheese · 09/05/2019 15:46

I'd send a card and flowers and back right off. Let her communicate with you at her own pace. She's told you she wants to deal with this on her own, so you need to respect that. I know it's hard but it's her loss and her grief and you can't take any of that burden on yourself however much you want to.

ravenmum · 09/05/2019 15:56

Have you sent flowers or a card? Would be really nice.
If she's not in the mood to talk, then respect that. And, please take this kindly, this is not your drama. It's hers. Careful not to give the impression that you're thinking more about yourself than her.
If you've not been together long, then maybe she's not that comfortable letting you see her feelings?

Honeyroar · 09/05/2019 16:06

Just leave her be, she'll be in touch when she's ready. She's already said she wants to deal with this on her own. You are indeed verging on being petty and needy.

pudding21 · 09/05/2019 17:13

OP: when I am going through a stressful or difficult time, I get very emotional and tearful. I hate doing it in front of people. Maybe she is feeling a bit like that, and avoiding talking about it, or messaging about it. Seriously I can sob while in the middle of texting a breezy text message sometimes when I am having a difficult time.

Stop checking when she is home, on social media etc, you sound like a cling on.

How long have you been together?