Affair? Not affair? Help me please

[Barneybibblebottom]

Last week OH was behaving very out of character, due I think to unusual stresses at work, he went out all day (7 hours) alone without telling me ( we were supposed to spend the day together) stayed out all night at a mutual male friends and came home at 6.45 am.
Due to this, when I saw he left his phone in the bathroom, I had a look (wrong I know)
He’d recieved a text from a woman he works with that was suggestive and saying when’s he’s free can they talk.
He unlocked the bathroom door from the outside at that point and came in, something he would never do, Possibly because he realised he’d left his phone in there with me?
I asked him about the message, he said that’s what’s she’s like to everyone, but denied any knowledge of her fancying him .
So, I still felt very uncomfortable about this, so found his phone bill and looked through it, I can see that he has text her regularly, 11 texts at 1am onwards on one occasion and most days , morning and evening during Feb, not much lately but of course I wouldn’t know if he was using whatsapp . he admitted last night that he did know she fancied him, that others at work had told him, I asked him about all the text messages this morning and he was very angry and went off to work refusing to talk about it.
I feel like I’m going crazy here, he told me I’m paranoid, am I??

HE essentially broke in on you when you were on the toilet out of terror you might look at his phone. A normal person would have knocked and asked if he left it in there.

He has something to hide.

I can’t think of any other explanation. It would annoy me he’s not admitting it and continuing to lie.

Just sending a hug. I agree with the others. It seems obvious. Change the locks now today and get a lawyer.

Unfortunately it does sound like an affair lass.

what more can I do about it? How could I prove it?

You don’t need to prove it - whatever it is (although the phone bill shows how much they have been messaging). Can you continue to live with someone who has gone behind your back then lied about it? You are NOT being paranoid but the fact that he is turning this onto you speaks volumes,

Get a note of her number, find out who she is, if she's married and contact her husband and get him to do some digging. In the hours he was missing, did he contact her at all? If not would that be because he was with her?

Can you contact the mutual friend he was supposed to be with and try and get confirmation?

Thanks all x sorry for not replying, it’s been a horribly stressful day.
(He was definitely at our male friends house on Friday night, I trust this man and he confirmed it)
I realised this aft I could look at the recent use on his phone and not just the last bill, he’s text her every day at least twice, called regularly and one day text around 60 times , he text her at 8.25am on the day he disappeared all day, then at 5.35pm , I was shaking when I realised the extent of the calls.
I had to confront him , he shouted and shouted at me about snooping on him, he said he’s deleted her number and won’t message her again, they’re just friends and I’m paranoid and suspicious and either I drop it and stop talking about it or he wouldn’t come home .
We have children, they love him and it would destroy them if we split.
I don’t know what else to do, it’s not something he’s done before.
I know, if I read this thread I’d think ‘what a mug , she’s being treated like shit’ I get it, but my children’s happiness is everything to me and I owe it to them to try to get past this with their dad , he was so irate that maybe it is a friendship thing? He does have female friends so it’s not out of character (the amount of texting was though)

Anger can come from being caught out.

It just sounds like he's blustering and making threats to leave to make you STFU and not dare question him further about something he's in the wrong about. He turned it into being about you snooping, instead of his crossing the line.

You can't get past something you never deal with. How are you going to trust him from here?

Why are you insisting on keeping the blinkers on?
Something is definitely going on between them and his response is just complete proof! Would you shout and scream if the tables were turned and you were genuinely innocent or would you do whatever you could to reassure your h?
He lied to you about messaging and calling, he lied to you about her feelings, he's unlocking bathroom doors to get to his phone! What more proof do you need?

I understand you want to protect your children but if he is disappearing night and day and cheating on their mother, do you really think he cares how his actions affect them?

Please please have some self respect and dump this waste of oxygen.

Where is your self-respect? He is treating you with contempt.

You are allowing him to lie, stonewall and gaslight you. Of course they are not friends. He is cheating (60 texts in one day?), and is using anger and threats to make you shut up and back off. He is not about to stop his affair with OW.

Do your children deserve a toxic home where their father demeans and disregards their mother? Is this the model you want for their future relationships?

You need to make him leave as a consequence of his despicable actions. Show him that you mean business. Tell him that you need time and space. If you let him stay right now, he will lose more respect for you.

As for snooping, your right to know what was happening trumped his privacy.

I’m very sorry that you’re going through this.

He was irate because he's been caught out, OP. It's crystal clear he's having an affair with this woman. The only question is what are you going to do about it? You need to have the conversation with him - he must come clean, otherwise you'll have to speak to the woman and/or her husband. I don't think life is ever going to be the same again, and there's no point putting your head in the sand. Such a shame

Thanks all x
I need to have time to think, I’m totally exhausted from all his shouting and drama, he’s taken himself off to the spare room, won’t acknowledge that’s he’s done anything wrong.
We’ve been together a long time and he’s always been very respectful and kind to me and although grumpy at times, a lovely husband and father, this is so completely out of character for him I just can’t get my head around it.
I think if he accepted he’d done wrong and was remorseful for bringing this shit into our lives I could move past it, I don’t know where I’ll go from here.

Barney, I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

It's clear how much you want to work this out and not disrupt the children's lives. So you're looking for reasons to trust him in the hope that this will all just go away.

But from the outside, it seems as if you're on a path that will lead to the opposite of what you want.

1. People don't react defensively or with that kind of anger when there is nothing to hide. You have told him that you're worried he's cheating on you and his reaction is to threaten not to come home? That doesn't fit psychologically. The most likely explanation for his reaction is not innocence.

1. Texting someone 60 times in one day is not friends, colleagues, family (unless in an emergency) or long-term relationship. (I assume he doesn't text you that much?) It's how you behave in the all-consuming early days of a relationship. It's flirtatious - batting words back and forth.

1. Your instinct is hurling red flags at you. Listen to it.

1. You say that you want to get past this for the children. But he has to want that too. You can't do it for both of you. It takes two. If his emotional energy is being directed elsewhere, then that energy isn't available for your relationship with him.

1. From looking at threads on here, it seems to me that the couples that get past this are those who have complete honesty about what has happened. And also where the person who has been cheated on has accepted absolutely zero bullshit. There is a script that begins with 'deny everything': accept none of it.

I haven't been in your situation, and only you can judge what to do for the best. You must be in shock, and probably you need to give yourself a bit of time to process and think about it. Is there someone in real life that you can turn to? Someone who will be a support to you?

You have proof - he is having an affair with her.

Even if he has deleted her number and has promised he won't contact her again, I guarantee you he will.

He's already shown you that he's a liar. He's already shown you that he doesn't feel the need to be honest with you. So how can you believe him now?

By giving him another chance, you're giving him the green light to carry on cheating on you. You are showing him that you are happy to be treated that way and that he can have his cake and eat it too.

but my children’s happiness is everything to me and I owe it to them to try to get past this with their dad he'll know this and will be using this to manipulate you.

Try to work it out with him if you must. However, he will carry on cheating with this woman/another woman/several other women for the rest of your relationship, because knows he can. Only he'll be more careful now.

I don't think this would be a very good environment for you children to grow up in at all. So if their happiness really is everything to you, open your eyes and have some self respect.

My best advice is, take your time, op.

Don't be in a hurry to get past it, or smooth things over. I know you're in a lot of pain right now, and you just want things to be normal again and what seems like the way to make it stop hurting is to get over it an paper over. But it'll fester with distrust and disrespect underneath.

Hold onto the fact you haven't done anything wrong and he's the one behaving irrationally.

Let him huff in the spare room. (Bear in mind he may be using the opportunity to message her.)

Don't rush to sort things out, let the dust settle and don't be the one begging.

Agreed with other pp’s esp @MsDogLady.

You and your DC deserve better than have a bully and a liar in the midst.

It won’t make them happy long term to have him around in this incarnation will it? Not unless he smells the coffee, takes responsibility and feels genuine remorse for his actions and then decides to change and be a better man.

A better man doesn’t guilt trip, threaten, manipulate and blackmail to get their way over their own wife. Especially after they have been caught massively in the wrong!

Don’t be a pushover. How you react to this will determine to him how how much respect you think you deserve. Surprise him by demanding the respect you deserve.

If he can’t give you that, do you really want him? Does he deserve you?

Good luck OP I’m sorry you’re going through this xx

This is heartbreaking I'm sorry you're going through this op.

Thank you for your good advice all, I’m going to focus on the children and myself for a while and work out where my heads at .

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. There's a million women on here will testify their OHs were the last person on earth to cheat....until they did. He is having an affair - there is no other explanation. If it was something else - e.g. she shared a personal issue with him and he was genuinely supporting her, he wouldn't be raging. He would see your point of view, calmly explain then offer understanding of your position. From the tone of your posts, I think you want to not believe the truth and will likely forgive him and try to bury it inside you....which I understand as splitting is devastating. If you do that though , please at least ensure you have your own funds, are not completely reliant on him and always have an escape route. Because he will not change and your self esteem will be destroyed living lie. He will lose respect for you and 1, 10, 20 years down the line, bitterness and resentment will cause one of you to leave. Sorry.

i'm sorry op but this isn't innocent.

I know you are in total shock, but you will find your anger and that will actually help you.

He wasn’t being “respectful, kind...a lovely husband and father” when he was texting OW day and night, even at 1:00 a.m., while in your home with you. He was leading a double life.

He is angry and defiant that you have caught him and is showing no remorse.

I’m sorry to say this, but you need to get an STI test.

OP I tried to imagine my own husband acting in the way you described - the defiance and angry when you called him out on it. And you know what I felt sick because that would be so out of character for him too. I would know instantly that it was not innocently or just a friendship to him.

For him to react that way there are feelings involved. He is angry that he has been caught out but even more so that he will lose the set up he's created with 'her'.

You talk about what you owe to your children but this situation isn't something you've created OP. He is the one that owes something to you all, primarily to be honest and stop hanging his family on a string for some little floozy. Disgusting behaviour.

If he feels that he 'loves' her then he needs to be honest with you and set you free. I know it hurts and you're in shock but you owe it to yourself.

I'd have to say to him that his reaction just proves it even more so just admit what you've got going on so we can all move on.

OP, be prepared for the truth to come out from him once he realises what he is likely to lose and how stupidly he has behaved. For now, be strong (however hard it is) and if I were you (and I have been!!), ask him to leave. That will give him the shock he needs to be honest.

Believe me, talking from experience, it can happen and be completely out of character and in a marriage that you believed was happy (if not without its faults).

Texting another women 60-odd times a day and being angry with you for seeing things is a sure sign he is having an emotional affair at least. How would he feel if you did the same with a guy?

For now be strong. Don't beg for him. If you want to chat with someone who has had to deal with this and worse, happy for you to DM me. x