Do I end it?

[lilywhiterosegirl]

Hi, I’m looking for advice on my current situation. I have been with my partner for around 18 months and I don’t know whether I should continue the relationship. He got really angry on Monday evening to the point that I had to leave his house at midnight because I felt at risk of my own safety (this hasn’t happened before). I haven’t spoken to him since, and I know he will have a lot of shame about his behaviour, so I don’t know how to progress things from here (or even if I want to). I don’t think any woman should stay with a partner who has made them feel scared but am I overreacting? We don’t live together so I’m not at any immediate risk right now.

I think you need to have a conversation. That kind of anger isn't acceptable - but maybe something going on in his life had triggered it and he now feels mortified? Anything like this ever happened before?

Not trying to excuse the sort of anger that makes you fear for your safety but just wondering what on earth happened - but still feel you need to talk about it.

What was he angry about? Not that it makes much difference really.

He made so scared you removed yourself from the situation: red flag.

He has not spoken to you since (the silent treatment): red flag.

He has not apologised for making you feel unsafe: red flag.

Personally, I would ditch him.

Ditch.

Why stay with someone who scared you? Life is too short to live in fear of 'dong the next thing wrong'.

Yeah cut your losses

Christ on a bike, it is madness to stay with a man who actually made you afraid for your own safety! You left his home at MIDNIGHT because you were afraid of being assaulted. Do you REALLY think you should stay with him? I certainly hope not. You should never see or speak to him again.

Context is everything. He got angry because you didn't make his dinner? LTB. He got angry because you murdered his puppy and served up it for dinner? Perfectly reasonable.
You can't give advice from that.

If a man got so belligerent that I felt I was safer out on the street in the middle of the night than in his home with him, that would be the last he hears or sees of me.

Yes you end it.

If I had murdered his puppy, that would still be the last he sees or hears of me (for different reasons obviously).

The signs are there. Take notice of them and LTB. It might be a whole lot worse next time!

It was really odd - he went to bed at 11pm whereas usually he goes to bed 12/1 so I said to him I thought it was early for him to go to sleep. Then he just flipped and said “you’re pushing me, why do you keep pushing me?” - he got out of bed and was physically shaking with anger. He paced the room for a bit and then said he was going to sleep in his car. We’d had a completely normal day, I don’t know why he freaked out. It was horrible.

Also he admits he has anger issues but that’s not been directed at me eg I once saw some furniture smashed up in his garden and he told me he broke it because he got angry and he recently broke the controller on his game console because he got cross when something didn’t go his way on FIFA. That said, for the most part he presents as a very calm and collected person.

Based on your OP: yes, you finish it.

Based on your last two updates: RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS.

Calm and collected people don't smash furniture or games controllers in a temper
You've only been with him 18 months, you have the rest of your life to meet someone nice who won't make you feel scared enough to leave in the middle of the night.

His mask finally slipped, op, and now you've finally met the real him. He has clearly shown you who he is. Believe him.

You’re probably right. It just feels a bit drastic on my part given he has not behaved like this towards me previously?

I think if he could talk about it then we might be able to manage things in the right direction but the sticking point is that I know he will not apologise, but also he will be so embarrassed he will hope I do not mention it. Neither offers me a real future with him. I shouldn’t have to pay £100 for a taxi to make myself safe from him when he’s behaving in a completely irrational way. If I felt I had antagonised him I would admit it but I don’t see how a conversation about what time he goes to bed should escalate to him going to sit in his car because presumably he is so angry he can’t be in the house with me.

Based on your updates - ditch him and don't look back. He's obviously got serious anger issues. Furniture now - you next.

It just feels a bit drastic on my part given he has not behaved like this towards me previously?

There's always a first time an abusive partner shows his true colours, ok. Let's say you let him get away with abusive behaviour this time. What about next time? Will you then say, "Well, it's only the second time he's acted this way. He probably won't do it again." Problem is, there is ALWAYS a next time until you finally wise up enough to leave. But what will or could happen until you do? He could end up shattering your confidence and self-worth. He could also KILL you. His explosive rage is extremely alarming.

Don't you believe you deserve better than this?

Look, these are warning signs. If you saw warning signs on a path, would you just carry on regardless because you haven't been hurt yet? No, you'd stop and go a different way.

Smashing stuff is a precursor of domestic violence.

Do yourself an enormous favour and end things with him here.

I had to leave his house at midnight because I felt at risk of my own safety
This is the only sentence you need to focus on.
Do not put yourself at risk any further.
You will be forever walking on eggshells waiting for the next episode.
Block, ignore and delete. It's the only way forward from here.
NO YOU ARE NOT OVER-REACTING!!!!!!

I do know what you mean. Already there’s a lot that I don’t raise with him because I know he will get upset with me but if I do bring up issues I’m concerned about this typically results in “the silent treatment” rather than explosive anger. But I know that’s not right, I shouldn’t have to repress my feelings to stop him getting angry.

He’s had a difficult childhood. His mum by his account was a very angry person and his father died when he was 13. I’ve tried to talk him in to getting help but he thinks he is fine. I guess I feel sorry for him but also he’s stuck by me during a difficult period in my life and I feel like ending the relationship may be too final. I know 18 months doesn’t seem that long but we’ve both had a lot going on during that time.

Listen to everybody, and I mean everybody, here and leave him now. Really nothing more to be said. He will not get better and you are already living in fear. You are, read your own posts!

You can't even speak to him about things you're concerned about. This is not a relationship. It's very sad that you're continuing to excuse and minimize this behaviour. So what if he "stuck by you" during a tough time? You really think that gives him a free pass to abuse you?

Jeez OP - this gets worse.
He has anger issues.
He smashes things up.
You can't discuss things with him.
You can't express your feelings.
You've had to flee his house as you were in danger.
He stonewalls you.
You have no current ties to him so for the love of god - end this.
Save yourself years more of this crap.
You owe him nothing.
You owe yourself a happy and safe life.

My mum keeps telling me how lucky I am to have him etc. He is patient and reliable and he says he feels that mitigates against his flaws (which are his inability to express his emotions primarily)