Together 20 years (since uni) and married nearly 15 years. H is a negative, pessimistic man and very bossy.
I’ve been doing “grey rock” for the past year and had hoped to keep doing it for another 17 years until our youngest DC goes to university. At that point, I thought I could spend most of my time living in our holiday home (no need to divorce, just be apart most of the time). But in reality I don’t think I can last that long keeping the family together.
Our DC are young (currently 5, 3 and just turned 1). H is a hands on father when he’s around, but we rarely see him Monday through Friday. He works very long hours in a stressful job and I think it drains all of the niceness from him.
He helps a lot around the house when he’s here, so I don’t have any complaints about him being lazy (in fact sometimes I wish he would relax more). We don’t have financial worries and he’s generous on that front and also pays for a weekly cleaner and gardener to help me. We have a beautiful house and nice things and lovely holidays etc. From the outside, I imagine our set up looks fairly idyllic. Underneath, I don’t like him. To others, he is warm, charismatic and entertaining. To me, he’s moody, introverted and negative. I would love to be married to the “external” him, but I know that’s not real.
He’s always the victim, I’m always in the wrong. For example, if he wants a cuddle, he will never just cuddle me or say “I like it when we cuddle”, he’ll say “YOU never cuddle me”. Tonight I stayed up late to make him lunch for tomorrow. He got home at 10:40pm to find me cooking. He’s went to bed in a mood with me, because “I had made him feel bad [by being in the kitchen so late]”. I was actually trying to be helpful.
Why can’t he just be happy??!
I suppose the thing that makes me most sad is that for the majority of our relationship, he’s put a lot of pressure on me about my weight. I’m usually a size 12 (sometimes a size 10). At the moment, I’m a size 14 (nearly a 16 actually). I’ve lost no baby weight since giving birth 12 months ago, as I eat for comfort. There’s never a day that goes by without some dig or reminder that I’m not attractive at the moment. Usually it’s a comment about what I’m eating (“bread isn’t a diet food”) or serving me a smaller portion if he’s cooking (“I didn’t think you’d want x”). For many years, he has made his feelings clear if he finds me unattractive (fat) by turning down nearly all of my efforts to be intimate (I stopped trying to initiate it 4 years ago and since then we’ve had sex 3 times, youngest DC was a massive surprise!!). Since then, he’s tried to initiate twice and I turned him down both times and he hasn’t tried since. On balance, I think he’s asexual.
At the moment, I shower and dress in private. I know my face is attractive, but overall my self confidence is eroded. It is sad, as we used to have fun and be open and engaged in each other.
Yesterday, he said it is important that I lose “the weight”, as he wants us to have a “proper marriage” (sex) again. I’m really baffled. After such a long time I feel zero attraction towards him and have no intention of ever being intimate with him again!! In a weird way, I think I’ve stayed bigger just to be obtuse.
Whilst I’m very unhappy some of the time, there’s none of the usual issues you see here (like DV or affairs or financial stresses) to cause me to leave. Our lovely DC are happy and well balanced. H is fine, as I mostly don’t rock the boat. I’m 40 now. I’m happy with my DC, H isn’t around very much and on balance we have a nice life. I can make sure my 60’s are really great!
I’m sorry this is so long. I’ve never told anyone or even thought this through before.