When the reasons to leave are trivial

[OkaDokey]

Together 20 years (since uni) and married nearly 15 years. H is a negative, pessimistic man and very bossy.

I’ve been doing “grey rock” for the past year and had hoped to keep doing it for another 17 years until our youngest DC goes to university. At that point, I thought I could spend most of my time living in our holiday home (no need to divorce, just be apart most of the time). But in reality I don’t think I can last that long keeping the family together.

Our DC are young (currently 5, 3 and just turned 1). H is a hands on father when he’s around, but we rarely see him Monday through Friday. He works very long hours in a stressful job and I think it drains all of the niceness from him.

He helps a lot around the house when he’s here, so I don’t have any complaints about him being lazy (in fact sometimes I wish he would relax more). We don’t have financial worries and he’s generous on that front and also pays for a weekly cleaner and gardener to help me. We have a beautiful house and nice things and lovely holidays etc. From the outside, I imagine our set up looks fairly idyllic. Underneath, I don’t like him. To others, he is warm, charismatic and entertaining. To me, he’s moody, introverted and negative. I would love to be married to the “external” him, but I know that’s not real.

He’s always the victim, I’m always in the wrong. For example, if he wants a cuddle, he will never just cuddle me or say “I like it when we cuddle”, he’ll say “YOU never cuddle me”. Tonight I stayed up late to make him lunch for tomorrow. He got home at 10:40pm to find me cooking. He’s went to bed in a mood with me, because “I had made him feel bad [by being in the kitchen so late]”. I was actually trying to be helpful.

Why can’t he just be happy??!

I suppose the thing that makes me most sad is that for the majority of our relationship, he’s put a lot of pressure on me about my weight. I’m usually a size 12 (sometimes a size 10). At the moment, I’m a size 14 (nearly a 16 actually). I’ve lost no baby weight since giving birth 12 months ago, as I eat for comfort. There’s never a day that goes by without some dig or reminder that I’m not attractive at the moment. Usually it’s a comment about what I’m eating (“bread isn’t a diet food”) or serving me a smaller portion if he’s cooking (“I didn’t think you’d want x”). For many years, he has made his feelings clear if he finds me unattractive (fat) by turning down nearly all of my efforts to be intimate (I stopped trying to initiate it 4 years ago and since then we’ve had sex 3 times, youngest DC was a massive surprise!!). Since then, he’s tried to initiate twice and I turned him down both times and he hasn’t tried since. On balance, I think he’s asexual.

At the moment, I shower and dress in private. I know my face is attractive, but overall my self confidence is eroded. It is sad, as we used to have fun and be open and engaged in each other.

Yesterday, he said it is important that I lose “the weight”, as he wants us to have a “proper marriage” (sex) again. I’m really baffled. After such a long time I feel zero attraction towards him and have no intention of ever being intimate with him again!! In a weird way, I think I’ve stayed bigger just to be obtuse.

Whilst I’m very unhappy some of the time, there’s none of the usual issues you see here (like DV or affairs or financial stresses) to cause me to leave. Our lovely DC are happy and well balanced. H is fine, as I mostly don’t rock the boat. I’m 40 now. I’m happy with my DC, H isn’t around very much and on balance we have a nice life. I can make sure my 60’s are really great!

I’m sorry this is so long. I’ve never told anyone or even thought this through before.

You've got it the wrong way round.
It's the gardener and the outwardly idyllic things that are trivial.

I kept re-reading to check the 17 years wasn’t a typo. Not to put to fine a point on it, not everyone lives until their 60s. Assuming you do I think you might find it quite hard to get over writing off two decades of your life. I would describe your reasons as fundamental rather than trivial.

If any part of you wants to, then relationship therapy could be worth a go and, either way, some individual therapy for you to help you figure out how you feel and what you want to do. I think this is especially important given you say you’ve never voiced any of this before or even really thought it to yourself. It’s very hard to think through this stuff on your own

This is quite possibly the saddest thing I've read all year.

OP you are in an abusive relationship. Your husband is never there, so you're effectively a single mother anyway. Even when he is there, he just names you feel shit about yourself. That's not right and it's not normal.

If you're not feeling strong enough to leave, get some therapy, talk to someone. Do not go to couples therapy, that's not recommended with abusive men because they will get the therapist on side and use techniques that they've picked up to further abuse their wives. And yes your husband is abusive, it's not all about bruises and shouting.

Don't stay together "for the kids" they will not thank you for it. My parents did this with me and my brother and I resent being used as an excuse for the toxic car crash that was their marriage to drag out as long as it has.

Also read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Buncroft, you will find it an eye opener.

Your reasons are not trivial. Not at all. The dogs about your weight alone are enough. I would start looking for work now so you have some independence. No fault divorce will happen, so work steadily towards having your ducks in a row and then leave. Don't wait 17 years. Your H is not a good man. You deserve better.

You could reach your 60s and have a couple of years of freedom. It isn't worth it.

If he's generous financially, and does his fair share, then hopefully he'd be a hands-on, financially fair dad when you split too. From what you've said, he doesn't seem to take things out on the kids?

If you want to try at all to change this relationship, see if he will have counselling. Not couples counselling, but therapy to see why he feels the need to blame you as his first response.

If you just want out, there's really no point waiting. Do you want your kids to grow up to he negative, pessimist, critical, misery-guts with their partners too?

Another reason why your plans to have a lovely life later are not thought through.

My son is 19. He's not off to university, he's just been on a year abroad and now he's planning to do an apprenticeship. He'll be staying at home for another couple of years. My daughter is 22, at university locally because she wanted to be with her bf, and living at home too. Children these days frequently do not leave home at 18.

However, I'm not living at home. I left last year. My exh has bought me out of the mortgage. It makes no sense for me to have a place with bedrooms for my adult children, so I no longer live with them. They can't "come back" to me for weekends when they do leave home, so there's no transition period. Over the last year I've been coming to terms with total cold-turkey "empty nest syndrome" from a different angle!

How do you see it working, really, when your youngest is 18?

OP, I think you need to turn it on its head - I think your reasons to stay in the marriage are trivial - cleaners, gardeners, second homes, wealth at 60. Do they really amount to a hill of beans against full and fulfilling relationships for all of you? This cannot be a satisfying marriage for your husband and it is not a happy home to raise 3 children and you are miserable. That is what is real and important - none of that is trivial.

Op this is such a sad read

Firstly, it's not idyllic. And just because there is no violence etc doesn't meant it isn't awful for you.

His digs about your weight are abusive imo.

That alone is a good enough reason to jump ship.

Don't hang about. Get out.

You won't be teaching your children on how to be in a healthy relationship if you stay. They will pick up on their father being disparaging about their mother's weight and they will see the misery it will inflict on you.

It won't be easy. Ending a marriage with kids involved never is. But it is doable.

OP, I did the Grey Rock thing for 7 years and it nearly killed me. When we finally split I had given XH the chance to set up s new life for himself while I had none, having been focused on the DC not myself. Your plan is not sustainable, advisable or even possible.

Your DH sounds as desperate and unhappy as you and I think each of you should get counselling- maybe further down the line couples counselling too

I don’t know if he is abusive but he is certainly misguided and delusional about the marriage.

Not many people need to be at work 12 hours a day 5 days a week unless in some front line service. Working remotely is standard in most industries. IME that’s a choice and one you make when you don’t want to go home.

So you are both unhappy and both are trying to make the marriage work in opposing and totally exclusive ways. Just end it and build a solid co parenting relationship separately. It’s what you both need. You are clinging to the thing making you both miserable. Your marriage.

Being deeply unhappy is a bloody good reason to end a marriage.

You need to start making your plans. It's going to be difficult with three small dc but presumably you'll be ok financially. You can't really face being unhappy for the next 17 years. And DH should love you regardless of your weight. Our weight goes up and down and if he loves you, this shouldn't change. Good luck

You are allowed to leave him without a big reason. But imo, you have plenty of big reasons
This x 100!

Poor you. This sounds so very miserable. Have you considered leaving, on a practical level?
Do you even like him? It's only worth having the 'I'm unhappy conversation' if you think he can change, if he even cares!

I hoped grey rock for 17 years was a typo but I saw the age of your youngest. Please don't waste the next 17 years of your life being unhappy even if only moderately unhappy versus the extremely unhappy some people on these boards are.

It's only worth having the 'I'm unhappy conversation' if you think he can change
And if you still actually want to be with him if he does. Sometimes you have just lost any caring feelings and can't make them return. This speech has other uses, though - giving them a warning so that it isn't quite as much of a shock; stopping them from complaining that you never said you were unhappy, and perhaps assuming that it's an affair for that reason. But if you are planning on leaving anyway, it's worth having the first steps planned out at that point.

OP, you cannot effectively give up on happiness on your 40s and 50s in order to be wealthy and content in your 60s

This ^

Life is short, op, and to quote something a bit twee but true "tomorrow isn't promised to us".

Over 17 years, you could face ill health, he might be invalided (and would your guilt let you walk away?). You could die in a car crash. You can't sacrifice the present for a future you might never see.

So you want to spend your 40's and 50's in a miserable marriage with no sex at all.
These are your best years.
Please don't waste them.
What does he say when you tell him how unhappy you are and why?
If you don't tell him then he'll never know.
Would some counselling be a good idea? On your own to start with and then joint if you feel there is anything worth salvaging.
You get one shot at this life.
Please don't live a miserable life!

What are you going to do? Happy Birthday dc3! We're divorcing now you're old enough!

It really isn't good enough for you or them. How do you think they will feel when they realise it's all their fault that you are miserable? That is how they will see it. Don't do that to them.

Your happiness is not trivial, OP. He doesn't sound supportive at all - just emotionally abusive and narcissistic if I'm being honest. You deserve to be happy NOW not in 17 years. My Ex DH was a similar way and leaving was the best thing I ever did. yes, I am poor and have two DDs to support but wouldn't change anything.

OP, I posted earlier and I’ve been thinking about you all morning, I just wanted to add something else.

I left a marriage to a perfectly nice man who had none of your husband’s unpleasant characteristics. Even when I left I couldn’t get my head around the idea that it was ok to leave because I was unhappy, I didn’t really understand that until some time later. What got me out was the realisation that whatever it was he needed I could no longer supply as I was totally spent.

I also didn’t talk to anyone about it so no one knew what a state I was in by the end and I didn’t really know either, because I was so stuck in my own head, and as I result I had no perspective and no support.

A year or so after leaving I saw the Sex and the City film - the first one. Bear with me! There’s this bit where one of the characters - Samantha - says to the others “But how much of the time are you really happy in your relationships?” They look at her as though she is absolutely mad and say “Every day, like, not all day every day, but every day.” I cried and cried and cried. Because by that point I had some idea that other people were actually happy and that when people say that sometimes relationships take effort they don’t mean that sometimes you have to totally sacrifice yourself to make them work. I really wish I’d known that sooner.

I hope reading everyone’s responses hasn’t been too painful and that you get the chance to do some reflecting in your own time

OP your post really resonated for me. You feel your reasons for leaving would be trivial. Objectively I would suggest that they are far from it.

''Interesting that his behaviour has put you off intimacy, but to him, the reason you're not intimate is your weight. What a self obsessed arse''

^ This. Your DH is choosing to blame YOU for everything that is wrong with the relationship, as oppose to approaching this with a healthy adult mindset and looking constructively at his own behaviours. It sounds as though he is also projecting a lot of his own inadequacies onto you.

Please seek some form of support and explore your options in the context of your health. Your feelings, needs and happiness ARE important.

I could have written many similar examples to those in your OP. My DP is mentally unwell and emotionally abusive.

Have you tried you tried to speak with DH about how you feel, in the way that you should be able to speak with a life partner/reasonable human being?

If so what was his response?

I used to judge my exH by the things he didn't do e.g he didn't abuse alcohol, hit me or cheat on me (although with hindsight it was clear he did cheat). It was my counsellor who pointed out I should judge him on the things he did do. Cumulatively all those things I thought were "trivial" added up to a clearly abusive relationship dynamic.

Please don't stay for your children. They're still young enough to adjust to a new family life rather than live in a cold, miserable atmosphere (and believe me the WILL pick up on it and absorb it as their normal).

He belittles you, tells you you're overweight, blames you, emotionally blackmails you and you wonder why you're not happy?

Why on earth would you even want to sentence yourself to another 17 years of this? Your DC will be fine if you split up. In fact, their life will probably be much better with two happy single parents, rather than two miserable married patients.

Please don't do that, for yourself or for them. Try and find the courage to imagine life on your own. It will be so much better and happier than it is right now, I promise.