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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why won’t he just let me move on once and for all?

42 replies

ThisisAmerica · 07/05/2019 21:36

Long story short: Ex DP left me when I was just a few weeks pregnant for OW. Relationship was very abusive on multiple levels and I finally broke free and found someone else who was normal and kind. DP has been fantastic with my baby and has asked to adopt her.

Ex DP has zero parental responsibility and has never met his baby. He has asked me on a number of occasions to get back together and try again but I’ve said no over and over. I told my ex I was happy to maintain a friendly relationship to give him limited access to the baby but he said it was all or nothing so he’s yet to meet his child. He pays maintenance as ordered by the CMS.

I’ve been advised by quite a few people that know him that they suspect he may be a sociopath/narc, I’m not a psychologist so have no authority to make such a diagnosis but it appears he might suffer with both personality disorders.

I have approached my ex to ask if he would agree to allow my DP to adopt the baby which would absolve him of all of his financial obligations but he’s refusing. He has zero reason whatsoever to refuse since he plays no meaningful role in our babies life. The reason for his refusal is to maintain that control over me and to have an excuse to scurry back when things go tits up with his girlfriend(s) (there are many on the go at the moment).

Is there any legal way to force this? Any ideas as to how I can try and convince him this is the right thing? He’s not persuaded by saving maintenance (and he’s on his ass broke) and am failing to think of anything else.

I do have ‘dirt’ on him and persons associated with him but believe that could be deemed as blackmail and also I just don’t think I could bring myself to do it but I’m feeling desperate as this is impacting my current relationship.

OP posts:
pog100 · 07/05/2019 21:40

Does he have legal parental responsibility and is he named in the birth certificate. I'm no lawyer but surely if no to the above two questions you don't need his permission?

Figure8 · 07/05/2019 21:42

Maybe just leave the adoption stuff for now?
And don't blackmail him- you'll look worse.

lifebegins50 · 07/05/2019 21:47

How old is the baby? There are ways to adopt without his permission but you will need to demonstrate no involvement and if the baby is still young you are not likely to succeed. Removing his parental responsibility in favour a relatively new partner might not be considered in babies best interests

Original poster
ThisisAmerica · 07/05/2019 21:48

He’s tried to enforce PR not so long back by sending me a PR agreement, I refused and he went quiet for a little while. Then more emails and texts from an encrypted account asking me to take him back and have a family with him. The joker even asked me for more children. Only a sick person asks for that surely?

Anyway, we can go through the courts to override any refusal he may have but it’s quite costly and, if he decides he wants access (which he will), I’m not sure how a judge would view that. .

Previous behaviour does help us as some of it is criminal and documented with the police and I guess we could evidence he’s not played any role. Social services were involved As a result of his behaviour with another woman so that’s probably good for us too. I’m thinking perhaps a judge would agree that having two parents is better than one, even if the adoptive father is not biologically her dad.

I’m really attempting to be amicable but it’s so difficult.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/05/2019 21:49

Yeah, you've got no chance of him agreeing to that.

Embrace the lack of contact between him and your dc, have as little contact as possible with him yourself and be incredibly dull and non-reactive when you do have to be. (Which I can't see should be much if he's not taking up access visits, and if it is, you need to stop responding).

Wheresmyvagina · 07/05/2019 21:51

Why is it so important that your DP has PR?

Original poster
ThisisAmerica · 07/05/2019 21:51

She is just shy of a year so still very young. My DP is a decent man who was a very dear friend of mine many years before we started anything romantic so I know I can trust him. I just want us to be a proper family and I want to safeguard her from my ex and his mad girlfriends.

OP posts:
Wheresmyvagina · 07/05/2019 21:51

You can safeguard her from your ex by refusing to allow contact.

Original poster
ThisisAmerica · 07/05/2019 21:54

The main objective is to ensure he can have nothing to do with my child. Adoption is the far easier route because seeking injunctive relief for my baby would mean involvement with the police and given his past record of violence with other women could put him in jail (which I don’t want). I just thought adoption was the lesser of the two evils.

And obviously because I think my DP will make a wonderful dad to my baby (he’s great with his other two from a previous marriage).

OP posts:
JuniFora · 07/05/2019 21:54

Get legal advice first, you may be able to get what you want because he has no involvement with the baby.

If not, I'd use anything I had on him, just be cunning about it and make sure that you don't get caught doing anything that could legally turn on you.

Original poster
ThisisAmerica · 07/05/2019 22:06

My lawyer has been a bit shit tbh, I need to use someone else because she’s only really given me the option of sending him adoption papers to sign. I need to find someone else to find out what, if anything can be done. Her age isn’t helpful unfortunately.

He threatened he’d try for access with one of his girlfriends (who he’s said has neglected her children and SS involved) if I didn’t take him back, and since I told him to F off I suspect he’s working dilligently away in the background.

It’s a shit situation

OP posts:
Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 08/05/2019 03:14

She is just shy of a year so still very young.

A few observations.

Based on the above your new relationship is 18 months old max.. Maybe give it another few years before you rush into adoption, your dd won’t know any different re:”dad”.
And things may change with your current DP... no one knows what the future holds...

It’s also unfortunate (given your desire to stay away) that you chose to claim CSA despite having the new partner and wanting to move on as you essentially gave dickhead ex a foot in the door...

There is nothing to stop you marrying the new partner and being a family (albeit not “official”)
Stop feeding the flames and rushing this. He is looking for you to engage with him, I’d play the long game and leave it for now...
Also get a better lawyer.

Smallereveryday · 08/05/2019 03:51

If you really want to be a 'real' family then get married. !! The courts are going to view your relationship as much more serious if you do.. currently you are going to be asking them to remove the fathers rights in favour of some bloke you've been with for 18 months max !

It will also show your ex that there is no going back for you.

Alicewond · 08/05/2019 04:08

Your relationship is too new to look at making your boyfriend father to your current child. Just leave it at no contact for now and move on. If he wants contact and goes through the court system then that’s up to them to decide. You can’t just change a babies father because you want to

Butterymuffin · 08/05/2019 05:09

Yes, getting married would help. I agree that there is currently no need to rush on the adoption front and another couple of years would do no harm and possibly the ex will tire of it all by then too.

Wallywobbles · 08/05/2019 05:31

In general there are no short cuts. Find a good lawyer. Get married and expect to jump through a million hoops. Document everything.

NameChangeNugget · 08/05/2019 07:00

Your relationship is too new to look at making your boyfriend father to your current child.

I agree, why put unnecessary pressure on what seems a good, albeit very new relationship?

BelulahBlanca · 08/05/2019 07:11

You are in an official family, you and your little girl! Enjoy being with your new boyfriend but why give another man PR when you don’t need to?

Connieston · 08/05/2019 07:24

It's far too early in your new relationship to think about adoption. What if things don't work out?

madamedeluxe · 08/05/2019 07:29

I think you would be doing your child a disservice if your new partner adopted her as there are too many variables, the obvious one being you could split up (your relationship is not established yet) then this new guy would be her legal parent.

I know someone who adopted his wife’s son and they had children together then split up and it is all very complicated.

I can’t see why you are considering it. If you do turn out to marry your partner and have other children, you could consider it in years to come but I still don’t see the point as he can be a loving parent without adopting her.

madamedeluxe · 08/05/2019 07:32

Are you planning on having children with your new partner?

Then he will have two children from his previous relationship, your daughter (adopted) then children from this relationship and possibly more in the future if your relationship breaks down. Too messy and unnecessary.

IhavetoD0something · 08/05/2019 07:39

Yeh just drop adoption talk. Your DP will not become a bdtter or worse influence for being legally her father.
Just let it all sit.

The all or nothing dictate is scary. He will only see his child if he is back with you! Is that the 'all'??

Id do nothing. Accept the situation. Dont try to whitewash over it by legally getting rid of him at this point.

forumdonkey · 08/05/2019 07:41

Your relationship with your new BF is still very new and it's a massive step getting him to adopt your baby. What's the reason for wanting him to adopt? You and your baby don't see your ex anyway. If your ex isn't on the birth certificate he's not parental responsibility. What is your rush? You have your family unit and as a pp said, why not get married?

Pandamodium · 08/05/2019 08:36

I thought you had to be raising a child as "your own" for 5 years before adoption is possible?

Happy to be corrected I'm sure I've only read it on here.

OP my husband has raised my DD for 5 years we are married and have another child together. DH will never be able to adopt her as her bio father (SS ordered no contact from age 2) is on BC and would never agree. We are very much a proper family. I would never risk court as it could open a can of worms which might not be in my DD's best interests I don't think. At 6 years old my DD knows her history and knows who her "real" aka supportive financially and emotionally, kind, loving dad is.

Original poster
ThisisAmerica · 08/05/2019 09:15

Thank you for your posts and I completely see where you’re all coming from regarding how soon and rushed it all seems. My DP and I were good friends for many years before anything romantic happened so there’s a great deal of trust between us.

As I’ve said upthread the principal driver for this is to keep my ex away from my DD, it’s now vital to me he has NC with her (as he will use her to try and get me back - he’s already done this, or attempted to). I thought this was the kindest and easiest route rather than getting the police and as involved.

We’ve been talking about marriage a lot, DP is very keen but it’s just a piece of paper to me but if it helps with an ongoing adoption process I’ll start to engage on it more fully. We are also talking about having another baby but not yet, I need a bit more of a gap.

OP posts:
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