Why won’t he just let me move on once and for all?

[ThisisAmerica]

Long story short: Ex DP left me when I was just a few weeks pregnant for OW. Relationship was very abusive on multiple levels and I finally broke free and found someone else who was normal and kind. DP has been fantastic with my baby and has asked to adopt her.

Ex DP has zero parental responsibility and has never met his baby. He has asked me on a number of occasions to get back together and try again but I’ve said no over and over. I told my ex I was happy to maintain a friendly relationship to give him limited access to the baby but he said it was all or nothing so he’s yet to meet his child. He pays maintenance as ordered by the CMS.

I’ve been advised by quite a few people that know him that they suspect he may be a sociopath/narc, I’m not a psychologist so have no authority to make such a diagnosis but it appears he might suffer with both personality disorders.

I have approached my ex to ask if he would agree to allow my DP to adopt the baby which would absolve him of all of his financial obligations but he’s refusing. He has zero reason whatsoever to refuse since he plays no meaningful role in our babies life. The reason for his refusal is to maintain that control over me and to have an excuse to scurry back when things go tits up with his girlfriend(s) (there are many on the go at the moment).

Is there any legal way to force this? Any ideas as to how I can try and convince him this is the right thing? He’s not persuaded by saving maintenance (and he’s on his ass broke) and am failing to think of anything else.

I do have ‘dirt’ on him and persons associated with him but believe that could be deemed as blackmail and also I just don’t think I could bring myself to do it but I’m feeling desperate as this is impacting my current relationship.

The threshold for removing PR is extremely high. You certainly wouldn't be able to prove it was met without social services and police reports.

He doesn’t have PR - just the birth father

He doesn't have PR?
Is he not on the birth cert ?
I hadn't realised parents without PR were liable for child maintenance .

I’m feeling desperate as this is impacting my current relationship.

This is a very strong statement to make - where is the pressure coming from?

@filledsoda yes they can. Unless the father disputes paternity in which case a DNA test can be ordered, then it's assumed that a father is a father.!

I can see what you are trying to do and why but I don’t think it’s the right reason for your child.

OP you said something which concerned me a little bit, that your ex being the legal father of your child is affecting your relationship with your partner.
You have been with your new man for a relatively short time, maybe a year or so. Yes you've known him as friends, but he will be different in a romantic relationship. You've also got with him soon after the breakup with your ex.
I can't say it's a good plan to have the new partner adopt so soon. Is it your partner that is pushing this adoption idea?

You also say your partner is very keen to marry, again very soon into the relationship. This is not a good idea as again, you've only experienced this type of relationship with him for a year. Did he do a lot of helping you out of the relationship with your ex?

Yes DP is very keen to move forward fairly quickly, I’m the one trying to slow things down. I figured that he’s less of a risk than my ex. It’s my exes violent behaviour that really worries me.

@treesthemovie - no, my ex left me for OW, DP wasn’t in be picture at all then other than an entirely platonic relationship.

What’s really troubling me is why my ex won’t just agree. He loathes paying maintenance because he can’t afford it really given his debt. He’s had to move because of it. He hasn’t met her and won’t unless I agree to a romantic relationship with him which I absolutely will not therefore it’s baffling as to why he wouldn’t just agree. I can only put it down to the fact that he wants a way back to me, a hold over me when things eventually end with him and his girlfriends (note the plural). It’s the only plausible explanation. He’s never left me alone, despite the many times I tried to properly break free he always pulled me back in to the relationship, into the abuse.

I do agree, adoption probably isn’t the right move to protect her, speaking to the law is, documenting everything that has happened, with him and other people associated to him.

OP, is your ex named on the birth certificate?

I personally think you need to drop the idea for now. You don't know that this is in the childs best interests. It's far too soon I think
If your new partner did adopt her then would you tell your daughter the truth? What happens if she wants to meet him when she's 9 or 10 and build a relationship with him?

I understand that you said he was abusive etc. and suspect he is a sociopath/narc. Having been involved with one of them myself I know they don't want to leave you alone and let you move on, but that's because we give them attention and a reaction. You need to ignore him.

Also btw. the narc that I ended up involved with was a guy I was good friends with for years too and I trusted him completely! Wow, was I wrong!!!!

You said the main reason you want him to have NC with your daughter is so that he can't use her to try to get back with you. Sorry I know a narcs hold over victims can be very strong, but you can't try to force him to give up his parental rights to make it easier for you that way.

If you haven't broken free properly from this man then I don't think it is one bit fair that you would allow your new partner to adopt your daughter, it doesn't sound like you are 'all in' the relationship.

We are putting it on the back burner for now. I had a fairly decent conversation with my ex today (shock horror) and he said he wasn’t vindictively saying no, but that he’s working to get himself better and hopes to forge a relationship with our daughter. I’m not keen on that idea but I’m not going to push any further on it. Hopefully it’s another fleeting phase.

During the phone call I found myself missing him and then he messaged me after the call asking me to keep our discussions confidential as one of his gf’s was u happy with us being in contact and sent me the screenshot of their conversation (with new number included) which shows a blatant disregard for her privacy. It brought me back to earth with a hard thump.

He asked to meet me for a coffee, DP is against it but wondered whether it would be all that bad. Probably.

Anyway, thank you for your thoughts, it’s help get things straight in my mind.

The answer is because you have his child, and he's an arse.
He could apply for pr, you could apply for residence order with dp, which would give him pr. adoption is frowned on in step families as it excludes natural parent.
You need proper legal advice. Usually they say least restrictive order and best interests of the child. Think about wills and guardians. If you die her dad could apply for her, so dp needs legal position, or whoever you choose

You started missing him after one phone call? And you think it's appropriate to have your boyfriend adopt your daughter? That's really worrying

Meet for mediation.

TheBlackDogFollowsHim are you the OP? You sound like you're loving the drama and attention, and you need to grow up. There's no reason to ever speak to your ex again, he doesn't want to see your child, so block him. Except you won't because you're loving it all.

Name change op?