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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It won't end...

50 replies

Painter123 · 07/05/2019 20:32

Neither of us are happy but my partner will not talk about it and just says it's normal...

He treats me like a slave, if I don't do as I'm told he gets angry... e.g. wont make him a coffee when I've gone to bed, go out to the shop for x... etc. I try to stand up to him but he resorts to intimidation... thumping doors, breaking stuff pushing me... etc...
He tells me i am gross, beach whale... let myself go etc etc...

I work fulltime in a high level senior manager role which is really stressful on its own, we have 2 kids 7 and 4. A house elderly parents etc but he won't help around the house with daily chores. I have to do everything be everything for everyone. He won't cook do dishes etc.

But even worse he doesn't been put rubbish in the bin he just throws it on the floor or leaves it laying around for me to clean up.

He yells at the kids and me if the house gets messy or there are any toy laying around...

He works but only pays £300 towards kids bills food clothing mortgage etc. His argument is he's not on the mortgage (I had the house years before we met). He earns nearly as much as me with non over the bills yet he is always broke and in debt...

With that I do all his washing cleaning ironing cooking paying for any extras.

He will do work in the garden and pay for stuff but only on the proviso I have no say and must be very greatful.

He will not let me and/or kids in the living room unless quite and sit opposite side of room. We are not allowed to watch tv. He plays on the ps4 and watches YouTube all the time.

I am desperate for another baby (my kids are my world everything) but he won't even though i always said I wanted 4 but agreed 3. He does not cope well with having a baby so my brain tells me he's right. He gets down and more agreesive/violent when pregnant/just given birth (based on both kids).

I have tried talking to him but he just turns on me and says it's because he hates the house or its because I'm fat which gets him down...

I protect my kids the best I can but they know things are not right. Daddy never goes out with us mummy does everything. He does love the kids and me despite all this but he can't change nor does he feel he is in the wrong... I'm not perfect but surely this is not normal that you are a servant in your own home to the point you can't go in rooms or have a say over basic things.

He won't let us go out at times... He says I need to stay in and clean up its not safe, or shouldn't take the kids out as he wants to see them (But then not spend time with them).

How to I move this forward one way or another.

I have told him lots of times im not happy. I have asked to break up but he won't...

What can I do im stuck...

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 07/05/2019 20:42

How exactly are you stuck OP?

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 07/05/2019 20:45

And you are with him why? Exactly?

Mof3K · 07/05/2019 20:48

Do not have another baby with that man. You are barely giving the ones you have a good life.
Im Sorry but its true.
Its your house, pack his bags and fuck him off.

Oldbutstillgotit · 07/05/2019 20:48

Why on earth would you want another child !

Dullardmullard · 07/05/2019 20:49

you dont need his permission to leave you know

MsVestibule · 07/05/2019 20:50

How are you stuck? It's your house, you're not married so you tell him to leave. He adds nothing to your life but stress.

AFAIK, he has no more rights to live in your house than a lodger does. You can give him 'reasonable notice' and then change the locks.

CryptoFascist · 07/05/2019 20:51

You don't need his permission.
You can break up with him, and you really need to.
Police can help remove him if he won't go.

Zofloramummy · 07/05/2019 20:53

You don’t need his permission to end the relationship.

And you need to end the relationship pronto. He doesn’t love you, your kids or even like you. You only there to serve his needs. Get out before your kids are emotionally damaged and think this is normal.

SilverGoldBronze · 07/05/2019 20:57

You’re not stuck. You only think you are because he’s ground you down.

  1. You have a good job. You are not financially dependant on him. You can ask him to leave without putting yourself in the shit financially. Actually, since hes not paying his way and is a drain on you, you may even be better off without him.
  2. Are you married? Hopefully not in this case. If he’s not on the mortgage then you can just tell him to leave YOUR house.
  3. He sounds like a lazy, disrespectful shit. What kind of twat leaves rubbish around for you to clear up? You don’t need this. You’ll be far happier without him.

You are not a woman who is trapped. You are in a far, far stronger position than I was when I left my ex. Imagine what life could be like when you’re free of him. Then use that to carry you through.

Cherrysoup · 07/05/2019 21:01

And you’re allowing this for your kids? Wtf? Get him out. You’re batshit if you don’t. Don’t have more kids with him.

ChristmasFluff · 07/05/2019 21:06

He's not on the mortgage, so it ends when you change the locks whilst he's out. He's vile, and I cannot comprehend why you would want another child with him - another child to be shouted at and to grow up thinking that it is normal to abuse others - this IS abuse.

He doesn't love you, he holds you in contempt, and he proves it by treating you with contempt. Who throws rubbish on the floor? Who excludes people from rooms in THEIR house? You wouldn't allow a stranger to do this - you'd make them leave. Why is it different because he trots out a few 'I love yous' when it suits him? It's not as if you'd even miss the money because he's not contributing a decent amount - another sign he doesn't care for you and your family.

It ends when you say it ends - you have options that so many people who are married or who share a mortgage do not have. If he causes trouble when you change the locks and leave his stuff on the front lawn, you can call the Police to remove him.

Please have your own back and get out of this traumatic situation ASAP.

PlinkPlink · 07/05/2019 21:06

Pretty sure, as its only your name on the mortgage, you could get him removed by the police.

OP, you are in a bad place. A very bad place. Having another child with him could end up with you being killed.

You are in a violent relationship and you are a victim of domestic violence.

Call Womens Aid. Get their advice.

Do this, not only for you, but for your children. If you stay, they will see this as normal. They will enter into relationships of their own when they are older and most likely replicate that behaviour. They will most likely become a victim to domestic violence themselves. Never underestimate the circle of violence. It breeds like a festering disease.

You must do this for your children. It will be fucking scary but you need to do it. Protect them!

We can talk to you and keep you strong. We can help as much as possible. There are others on here who have loved in similar situations, who have broken free and who have done everything they could to protect their little ones. They'll be along soon I have no doubt.

Be brave my lovely Flowers

MatchSetPoint · 07/05/2019 21:09

He doesn’t pay towards to mortgage, he’s not on the mortgage, your not stuck your in a superior position, tell him to go, you’re not happy, he’s a waste of space....

Quartz2208 · 07/05/2019 21:10

legal advice and womens aid

You cannot stay with him he is abusive to you and your children

KOKOtiltomorrow · 07/05/2019 21:17

You are right.....it won't end ....unless you take action. You are absolutely NOT stuck. I was feeling so bad for you and your DC until you said you wanted another DC with him- him refusing is the only chink of light here. I get that you are ground down OP but you have a job and a house and you are posting on here - deep down you must surely see that you need to get this useless abusive article out of your house for your DC sake as much as your own?

JuniFora · 07/05/2019 21:18

Get legal advice first to protect you and the kids. Then get out of that situation as fast as you can. He's a nasty, lazy, non contributing, draining abuser...

You chose to be with him, now you can choose to end it, the choice is yours. Don't make your kids live in that any longer, they have no choice and they only get one childhood.

Without him you will have the opportunity to create a safe, happy home that your children deserve to live in. You'll have the opportunity for a happy family with a better man in the future.

Original poster
Painter123 · 07/05/2019 21:19

I know you are all right... my head tells me this every time something happens but I just get frozen ... I can't gather the strength I have nothing left...

My kids are very happy... they don't get exposed to him... But your right what role model am I setting them... this is my biggest fear...

I try to show them a super woman who they describe as crazy and happy but provided daddy is not around... what a mess which is in my control but can't seem to do.....

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/05/2019 21:19

You think you're stuck because he's ground you down relentlessly for years.

But you aren't. The keys to freedom are already in your hand. Try playing I Will Survive on repeat.

Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
Do you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive

Singlenotsingle · 07/05/2019 21:21

You tell him it's finished. Then you pack his bags, leave them by the gate, and change the locks. This is possibly one of the worst stories I've heard about an abusive dp Shock

Zofloramummy · 07/05/2019 21:31

Are your kids happy? Or do they walk on eggshells and behave so they don’t upset him? They will figure out it isn’t normal not to be allowed in certain rooms. They will see other families where the mum isn’t shouted at and bullied. They will model their future behaviours and relationships on what they see at home. Would you want this for them?

He has done a good job at making you feel powerless because actually you aren’t. You are the one with all the power. It’s your home, you have a good job. You can choose to end this torture at any time. He is making sure you feel so downtrodden, so unsure of yourself and so focused on him that you don’t figure this out and chuck him to the kerb.

HollowTalk · 07/05/2019 21:34

How are they not affected when he's throwing crap all over the floor? Do you have any idea how that sounds? And he's giving £300 per month - ffs a teenager would pay more than that!

You really don't want another child by him, OP. You will be tied to him for another 20 years.

If it were me I'd get rid of him. Dump his arse and get child maintenance. He's fucking horrible.

I've a feeling though that you'll tell him to go and he'll agree to another child and you'll give in and be stuck with this bastard forever.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 07/05/2019 21:35

My kids are very happy... they don't get exposed to him......yes they do;
He yells at the kids and me if the house gets messy or there are any toy laying around...

100% guaranteed they will be more aware of his abuse than you perceive them to be OP.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 07/05/2019 21:37

And this.......I try to show them a super woman who they describe as crazy and happy but provided daddy is not around

Original poster
Painter123 · 07/05/2019 21:45

The reason i want another child is selfish i know. my kids are my world and they give me everything. They are very happy checky kids who make a mess and get up to mischief but yeah with a hit of keep out of daddys way.
To have another baby is the wrong call but I'm still longing for it... I'm nearly 40 so I this is playing into it.

He won't go without a fight and that is what I am scared of... He will try and get anything he can just to hurt me even the kids. I have to keep strong for everything but this might be the fight which breaks me and I won't do that to my kids... I am all they have.

OP posts:
fikel · 07/05/2019 21:46

Get legal advice, contact woman’s aid, change the locks while he is at work, take his stuff to his parents and concentrate on building your self esteem. You do not need another child with this monster. You’re already doing everything yourself- you’re strong