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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It won't end...

50 replies

Painter123 · 07/05/2019 20:32

Neither of us are happy but my partner will not talk about it and just says it's normal...

He treats me like a slave, if I don't do as I'm told he gets angry... e.g. wont make him a coffee when I've gone to bed, go out to the shop for x... etc. I try to stand up to him but he resorts to intimidation... thumping doors, breaking stuff pushing me... etc...
He tells me i am gross, beach whale... let myself go etc etc...

I work fulltime in a high level senior manager role which is really stressful on its own, we have 2 kids 7 and 4. A house elderly parents etc but he won't help around the house with daily chores. I have to do everything be everything for everyone. He won't cook do dishes etc.

But even worse he doesn't been put rubbish in the bin he just throws it on the floor or leaves it laying around for me to clean up.

He yells at the kids and me if the house gets messy or there are any toy laying around...

He works but only pays £300 towards kids bills food clothing mortgage etc. His argument is he's not on the mortgage (I had the house years before we met). He earns nearly as much as me with non over the bills yet he is always broke and in debt...

With that I do all his washing cleaning ironing cooking paying for any extras.

He will do work in the garden and pay for stuff but only on the proviso I have no say and must be very greatful.

He will not let me and/or kids in the living room unless quite and sit opposite side of room. We are not allowed to watch tv. He plays on the ps4 and watches YouTube all the time.

I am desperate for another baby (my kids are my world everything) but he won't even though i always said I wanted 4 but agreed 3. He does not cope well with having a baby so my brain tells me he's right. He gets down and more agreesive/violent when pregnant/just given birth (based on both kids).

I have tried talking to him but he just turns on me and says it's because he hates the house or its because I'm fat which gets him down...

I protect my kids the best I can but they know things are not right. Daddy never goes out with us mummy does everything. He does love the kids and me despite all this but he can't change nor does he feel he is in the wrong... I'm not perfect but surely this is not normal that you are a servant in your own home to the point you can't go in rooms or have a say over basic things.

He won't let us go out at times... He says I need to stay in and clean up its not safe, or shouldn't take the kids out as he wants to see them (But then not spend time with them).

How to I move this forward one way or another.

I have told him lots of times im not happy. I have asked to break up but he won't...

What can I do im stuck...

OP posts:

Figure8 · 07/05/2019 21:49

Gosh he sounds like the worst room mate ever.
Certainly isn't a partner.

HollowTalk · 07/05/2019 21:55

Make the most of the children you have, OP. Don't go thinking the grass is greener with another baby - there's a much higher incidence of problems at your age and you really don't want another connection to this knobhead.

Zofloramummy · 07/05/2019 22:02

I read these threads a fair bit. Fear about what these men will do is common. I have to say that often once faced with the reality that the relationship is over (bags packed, locks changed) often these men go without a fight. They are too busy looking for their next victim.

You are right, your kids need you. They need you safe, happy and unafraid. They deserve an upbringing that isn’t tainted by abuse. Yes it feels like a battle, but it’s a battle worth fighting. Otherwise you will spend your life shackled to a man who can’t stand you. Your kids will grow up, move out and probably avoid spending time with you as they will grow to hate him. If you say you stayed for them they won’t thank you. But they’ll probably discuss how guilty that makes them feel in their therapy sessions.

I know I sound harsh but you need to believe you can choose a different life for you and for you children. He is emotionally, psychologically, financially and physically abusive. Please choose freedom.

Quartz2208 · 07/05/2019 22:06

staying with him will break them for definite though, he yells at them, wont let them watch tv, he stops them going out. They are taking it from now but you are hitting a point where they wont. Dont make them walk on eggshells all the time

Being harsh OP you need to put to one side any notion of having another child, not only can you not bring another one into this toxic situation you need to save them ones you have and be strong from them

Original poster

Painter123 · 07/05/2019 22:08

I know this sounds stupid but I'm scared to tell him on my own... I want someone to hold my hand. Look after the kids while I try to sort it... I know grown woman needing someone to hold my hand (not another partner btw). Just someone to help defuse the situation and get the kids away.

OP posts:

Zofloramummy · 07/05/2019 22:17

Who have you got IRL? Family? Friends?

Justbreathing · 07/05/2019 22:20

You need to woman the fuck up now

You’re in total denial if you think your kids aren’t affected

Justbreathing · 07/05/2019 22:21

I tell you who needs to hold your hand. Yourself. You’re the best friend you’ve got.

Rspu1384 · 07/05/2019 22:26

You are seriously asking this and then saying you are desperate for another baby with this man? Is this a wind up?. Hope it is op, not to be harsh but for Fucksake he sounds like a massive dickhead who emotionally abuses you are your kids.
Tell him to get out it will be the best thing you ever do for yourself and your children.

Moralitym1n1 · 07/05/2019 22:33

Who could support you while you get rid of him - family member, friend, woman's aid person (not sure if they do that)?

Moralitym1n1 · 07/05/2019 22:36

Also having another child with this creature is not a remotely food idea.

You have 3 wonderful kids.

You could still possibly have a fourth with a different partner in future (many women are now having them in their 40s, I'm one of them) but not now and not with this guy.

Moralitym1n1 · 07/05/2019 22:36

good

barryfromclareisfit · 07/05/2019 22:37

Don’t have another baby with him. Instead, binliner his kit and throw it, and him, out. Get people/police to be with you while you do that.

BlokeHereInPeace · 07/05/2019 22:52

Your kids are your world, but you are exposing them to this life. They will grow up thinking its normal and either become abused or abusers.

I want to be sympathetic to you but if I knew where you lived I'd call social services and hope that they removed your kids.

Sorry. If you want to be stupid that's your business but what gives you the right to fuck up your kids life?

BlueJag · 07/05/2019 22:57

I don't want to be cruel but you need a shake. You are clever, capable, independent and a loving person. I know children are your world but for that reason you should give them a life where they are free to watch tv in the living room.
I'll hate to be treated the way he treats you. Whatever you need to be strong do it and get that man out of your house. How dare him treat you like that. And shame on you for letting him. You and your kids deserve a good life.

Halo84 · 07/05/2019 23:09

If he doesn’t look after the children now, he won’t want them when you split.

Do your elderly parents live with you? If so, could one of them hold your hand?

I would pack up his things when he’s at work, change the locks, and tell him it’s over.

It’s not easy, in part because he has destroyed your self confidence. Get some counselling to understand you are an abused woman.

Connieston · 08/05/2019 07:12

You can have more babies but for god's sake not with this moron. You know he's an arsehole and your kids are walking on eggshells just like you are, this is a toxic environment.

I've never been called a name by a partner not even my XH in 20 odd years together. There are plenty of decent men out there. You really are worth more, as are your kids.

Connieston · 08/05/2019 07:14

The fact that you are scared of him shows he is an abusive agressive arsehole. If he pushes you, or hurts you you can call the police.

RedSheep73 · 08/05/2019 07:16

What exactly do you get out of this op? not even money! I'm sure you know what you need to do.

Ohyesiam · 08/05/2019 07:22

Your op is so distressing.
Even if you can’t get yourself out of this horrendous situation, do it for your children.
What part of you thinks it’s ok to be treated like a slave?

Let your children see you choose happiness. Get them and yourself out now.
Of course he won’t talk about this, it’s all going his way, he has no impetus to change. It suits him to have you under the thumb. You have to act alone here to rescue yourself and your children.

Sending you so much strength

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2019 07:24

Speak to women's aid. Get organised. You don't need his permission.

When you are ready, book some time off work and a locksmith- don't tell him. Also a hotel room for him.

While he's at work, change the locks.
Pack his stuff.
Deliver it to the hotel.
Send him an email telling him.
Go away for a couple of days.

Do you have family? The children have friends? You can arrange sleepovers for them, people will want to help.

Doidontimmm · 08/05/2019 07:55

I’m astonished any woman would allow her kids to live in this environment when there is a way out. I started out feeling sympathy OP but I’m sorry you are contributing to the abuse of your children. You are allowing this. I get you are ground down & scared but you are an intelligent woman. Please ask a friend or family member and get him out. Please give yourself & your children a shot at a happy life.

Zofloramummy · 08/05/2019 14:56

@Painter123 there has been some tough advice on this thread. I’ve given some myself. It’s because people are shocked and worried about how you are living. They are trying to get you to see that you can’t live like this anymore for your sake and your children’s. I hope you are ok and I hope you are going to come back and get some support to move forward.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/05/2019 15:24

My kids are my world everything

Prove it by putting them first. But you aren't. You're putting your dream of another baby ahead of your existing children.

There are women in a far more vulnerable position than you who walk out of abusive relationships with nothing but a suitcase.

You, however, have a good income, you own your own home and yet you're forcing your DC to live in a hellish atmosphere, forcing them to witness an abusive relationship.

He does not cope well with having a baby so my brain tells me he's right. He gets down and more agreesive/violent when pregnant/just given birth (based on both kids).

So you're admitting he's even more dangerous, even violent, when you're pregnant but still insist on staying with this abusive bastard because of your longing for another baby.

This may be harsh but I'm wondering why you're so keen to have another baby when you're not willing to protect the ones you already have?

Zofloramummy · 08/05/2019 15:44

Maybe being pregnant and mum to a newborn is the only time she feels validated and in control? Completely agree prawn there is no way another baby should be brought into this. First priority is protecting the children you have and giving them a safe happy childhood.

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