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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating: this comment cracked me up

37 replies

ScreamingLadySutch · 07/05/2019 17:08

"How is it difficult to NOT FUCK random people? You literally have to do nothing, but go about your daily business. It’s finding someone to fuck, making arrangements to fuck, hiding the fucking that requires time and effort. It is not difficult to literally do nothing. I never was walking along at the grocery store picking out frozen peas when “OOOPS!” it seems I’m riding strange in the frozen food section! Difficult to be monogamous….pffft. Idiots."

OP posts:

Original poster

ScreamingLadySutch · 07/05/2019 17:09

From a man:

"“Monogamy is difficult to maintain.”

Ummm, I disagree. I always found it easy to maintain. Sure, it wasn’t always rainbows and sunshine, but knowing we each had our backs and were committed to each other and our family was what it was all about for me."

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/05/2019 17:14

I couldn't agree more. But it seems that infidelity is the default now, whereas 30 years ago, faithfulness was the default. It's very sad.

NameChangeNugget · 07/05/2019 17:26

It’s so much easier for cheats to do it now. Go back 30 years and you’d have one land line telephone in the lounge and not much privacy.
Now cheats have a plethora of opportunities without leaving the house

beenwhereyouare · 07/05/2019 17:28

I agree. I don't think there is ever any excuse for infidelity, of any kind. Monogamy is part of a marriage contract. It's right there in the wedding vows: "Forsaking all others." Maybe we should add "Have the guts to leave before you cheat."

I hate cheaters.

RedSheep73 · 07/05/2019 17:30

You're right. I've been monogamous for decades and never found it remotely difficult!

RomanyQueen1 · 07/05/2019 17:37

They used to say it's too easy to get divorced, when I was growing up. With the exception of abuse it was always thought to be better to work at your marriage.
Then came a time when divorce was to be expected and nobody worked at it anymore.
In hindsight of the comments from my childhood, I think it's far too easy to get married. If society found the whole idea of cheating to be repulsive and men (mostly) were treated badly for doing it, and perhaps there were consequences, that might make it easier for them to keep it in their pants.
t was only a hundred years ago when if you broke an engagement you were a pariah.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 07/05/2019 17:41

If society found the whole idea of cheating to be repulsive and men (mostly) were treated badly for doing it, and perhaps there were consequences, that might make it easier for them to keep it in their pants.

Yep. Exactly this.

If we didn't treat it as normal to fuck around on someone you're meant to love, it wouldn't be so common. Ok, it would still happen. But the back-slapping congratulatory bullshit that so often accompanies an affair, the misogynist "you're punching above your weight with that one" bollocks would be seen for the fuckawful morally bankrupt shite it is.

I find monogamy super easy because I like DH enough to not want to shit all over him. If you shit on someone, you don't love them. That's a fact. You don't hurt people you love.

Mystraightenersarebroken · 07/05/2019 17:54

Hilarious

Closetbeanmuncher · 07/05/2019 18:01

how difficult is it to NOT FUCK random people

....Seems to be the fucking uncrackable code for some op!

If that's how you want to get down (male or female) JUST.STAY.SINGLE

No doubt some bell end will be along any minute to tell us that monogamy isn't natural and how men are biologically programmed to "spread their seed" 😂😂

That excuse died alongside the dinosaurs I'm afraid ☠️

JuniFora · 07/05/2019 18:23

It's easy to be monogamous when there's no temptation, libido or curiousity to lead you astray. People cheat because they desire the experience or person. It's like having chocolate in the house and being expected not to eat it. People who can resist or feel no temptation will never understand those who can't. Two different mentalities...

ImNotNigel · 07/05/2019 18:40

It's easy to be monogamous when there's no temptation, libido or curiousity to lead you astray

That’s just fucking insulting to people who CHOOSE not to shit all over their partner. OF COURSE people are tempted or curious, they just don’t act on it.

Same as they sometimes feel like slapping their boss or pouring MILs cup of tea over her head. Or ramming their car into the idiot driver in front.

Have you never had a feeling you didn’t act upon ?

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 07/05/2019 18:47

That's bullshit. I would definitely eat the chocolate. If eating the chocolate made me break my word and betray my partner.

No I wouldnt. Do you think people who dont cheat have never had the chance, never fancied or had a connection with someone else?

I personally dont think more people cheat now. I think we find out more. I am 37, I know loads of people around my age who have found out their grandfathers cheated ot actually had other children. They usually find out once the GPs are dead.

My own great grandma had a baby and had it adopted whilst married. And her daughter my nana, had an affair with her husbands brother.....the result of which was my dad. Her husband certainly had affairs, but everyone looked the other way.

Chocmallows · 07/05/2019 18:49

Absolutely agree. I asked my ex if we could discuss breaking up as he was so miserable all of the time. He kept saying no and he would change, instead he cheated.

He was judged less badly than if I had cheated by both sides of the family. The fact I was being the adult and ended things calmly was brushed over, even when I wasn't arguing after in terms of childcare etc. I still did not get respect for being the adult. If I had done it I know he would have received more appreciation and support than I did.

In the same way if he does bare minimum anything for our DC now I hear that he's a good dad though so not all bad - but why not be a good person anyhow without all the double-standards?

RomanyQueen1 · 07/05/2019 18:52

I always see it similar to being on a diet.
You can look at the cream buns in the bakers, you can admire them, really fancy one. You don't go in and buy though as you are on a diet and that would be cheating.

CheesePuffTheMagicDragon · 07/05/2019 18:55

It's bonkers to say it's as easy to cheat on your diet as it is to cheat on your partner! Cheating on your diet only hurts you, I've 'accidentally' eaten chocolate and broken my diet hundreds of times! I've never cheated on my husband, I love him

ethelredonagoodday · 07/05/2019 18:56

Was going to say, I don't think people cheat more now, I think they're more likely to get found out now. My dad, and several of my friends' parents were unfaithful, and these are all people who are now in 60s... plenty weren't, but I don't think previous generations were faithful by default as one PP put it.

Shit though regardless.

Closetbeanmuncher · 07/05/2019 18:58

It's not that we don't have libido, curiosity, or temptation is that we have that magical thing called impulse control and more pressing matters to occupy our minds with!

I get what you're saying but to me cheating is just a marker of a dishonest character, lack of impulse control, and lack of intellect.

starzig · 07/05/2019 18:59

He is a bit silly. But equally silly are the women who get melodramatic and split up families over it. All a bit first world problems.

HowardSpring · 07/05/2019 19:00

I agree that people used to cheat more often and not be discovered.
Loads of people cheat or split up and change partners so it must be something we are programmed to do - and resist for the sake of a civilized society. Either we increase the stigma/shame/seriousness of consequences for cheating or we accept that it is fairly likely to happen and we rethink social structure, (which is actually what has been happening for many eyars now).

Letthemysterybe · 07/05/2019 19:06

Seriously starzig ?? It’s not
melodramatic to end a relationship over infidelity. The person who cheats is the one who is breaking up the family.

supersop60 · 07/05/2019 19:11

starzig - really?
I'm assuming no-one has ever cheated on you. It's devastating.

starzig · 07/05/2019 19:16

Actually he has supersop60. But really did not affect us so really can't get myself worked up over it. Dont get the big deal with it at all.

Closetbeanmuncher · 07/05/2019 19:29

Doubt you will be saying it's "a bit silly" and "didn't affect you" when he brings home an incurable STD starzig.

Dear lord 😂

Original poster

ScreamingLadySutch · 07/05/2019 19:35

Another comment: "I think monogamy is not for everyone, but there is not a thing out there that works for everyone. I also think it is irresponsible to say that everyone should rethink monogamy, because MOST people are great with monogamy.

I would also say that I know a few people in great non monogamous marriages, but in those cases both people were non-monogamous entering the relationship. It is REALLY hard to change the status quo. Changing it leads one person feeling, usually, manipulated, lied to, resentful.

Also. Non-monogamy is not necessarily cheating but people who are non-monogamous are sometimes cheaters. Cheating is about more than sex with another person. At minimum it is being unethical – it always is – but often there is the added thrill of lying and getting one over. And for those people opening up a relationship just means they will find a new way of deceiving their spouse."

I agree with this. My husband wanted his side dish strange AND he wanted a wife. Why? I had my uses. Who was going to look after his children, the admin., the cleaning, the property management, if he was honest? Let alone the financial consequences.

Nope. It is deceit in order to gain and advantage. It is fraud.

OP posts:

Asta19 · 07/05/2019 19:46

Cheating covers such a wide range of behaviours. All wrong, but I do believe some are worse than others. The worst for me is when someone continues to cheat, knowing their partner suspects, but tells them lie upon lie to try and cover it. This can make the partner feel like they’re going mad. It can turn into almost psychological torture. I saw it with a very close friend of mine. If he had hit her he would have been arrested, but what he did was far worse. He slowly but surely turned her into an insecure shell of a woman who felt like she was going crazy. He would accuse her of having “issues” as the reason for not trusting him, and call her controlling when she asked why he hadn’t come home the night before. It was horrific to watch. IMO she should have kicked him out long before the affair was inevitably revealed.

I do understand that temptation happens and not everyone who cheats sets out to hurt their partner but, if you’re going to do it, be honest and admit it. I don’t know how people can lie so blatantly to the face of someone they claim to love.

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