Was this normal growing up?

[Chanel05]

I lived with my mum and her ex husband between the ages of 8-18. There are various moments in my childhood that stick out in my mind and I wanted some advice on how to move past them. My step father was very controlling around the house - he would smoke heavily indoors though I begged him not to as I hated my clothes smelling of cigarettes as a teenager. He also removed light switches in all rooms of the house and had a control panel for them which he kept. You couldn't be still without a light turning off after a couple of minutes which was problematic in the evenings doing work in ones bedroom. He was very heavily into bdsm and I remember seeing lots of clothes/accessories in their bedroom and a chair that he had built and showed us which I now know was some sort of sex chair. He would walk round the house in just his boxers and on his computer in our family dining room the screensaver would be a woman dressed up in full bondage clothing. As I type this it hardly sounds like anything but these events have stuck in my mind and I'm now 29. On my 18th birthday he took me to a couple of local pubs throughout the day so I could have a legal drink and when we got home I sat on my bed (fairly drunk) and he grabbed at me. I seemed to sober up straight away and ran downstairs but never mentioned it to anyone apart from my dh. He also left an anonymous gift at our front door for me for that birthday which was a lacy thing, heels and matching corset. My mum thought it was from a boy but I didn't even have any boys that were friends at that time, let alone anyone who would have given me this present. A few months later he was taking my mums pills and sleeping tablets which she had for depression. They had a very turbulent relationship and he would cheat on her with both men and women, often bringing them over to our house. He also assaulted her on one occasion (that I know of) and he and my brother had a physical fight as he caught him hitting my mum. I know that he also raped her both vaginally and anally. A few months after I was 18 and he was taking these drugs, they had a very big argument on the phone and he told her he was going to kill her. My mum had him arrested and later that night we found a weapon wrapped up in his work coat on the sofa, to which I had a panic attack. They split up and we were immediately moved into emergency shelter and even had a panic alarm installed in our flat. She dropped the charges though and has always remained in contact. So much so, even though she is married again, her ex husband rents their spare room out in her house! I refuse to go there but she just tells me you need to "forgive and forget". I actually have nightmares about him still at least once a month even though I haven't seen him in years. Was this a normal upbringing with some totally shitty parts? Thank you if you've read this and made it to the end.

None of it was normal

That was not normal. I'm not surprised you're still traumatised.

You do not have to forgive. And you do not have to forget.

That applies to both your mother and her ex-husband.

I've read the whole thing through and I don't think any of it is normal.

Possibly the only passably normal thing was hanging around the house in his boxers...though I think this is on the fringes of normality with a stepfather. I would probably still think it was a bit odd.

The rest is abusive. I'm sorry you had to go through it.

Would you consider going to counselling to talk some of it through?

I have wondered in the past whether to have counselling but was always unsure if I was making a big deal over nothing.

I still have a very difficult relationship with my mother. She's always wanted support from my siblings and I and has never been able to offer it in reverse (eg I have just had a missed miscarriage and she came up two weeks ago crying to me about how difficult she was finding it and how anxious she was for my surgery...)! I was never sure if what we went through was just a bad experience by the way she writes it off.

none of it was normal. none.

Ugh. I am shocked that you don't know whether you're overplaying this. Both of them sound awful, to be honest. Would you be happier with very low contact?

I think counselling is an excellent idea. This is not 'nothing'. What you went through was a big deal.

Your mother is seeking to minimise what you went through, possibly in part to absolve herself of any guilt or responsibility she might feel for having put you (as well as herself) in such harm's way.

We don't speak that often (live 120 miles apart), I don't text her especially, she messages me occasionally. I mentioned to her recently that I have nightmares about him even now but she didn't acknowledge what I said. I also don't understand why I still have nightmares all these years later.

You are not making a big deal over nothing. I would urge you to contact NAPAC and talk to them napac.org.uk/

Your mother and stepfather are both abusive and you should also not be in any form of contact with your mother now. There is really no reason to be in contact, she made her choice and she chose this abusive bloke over you. Your mother (and she is not worthy of being called this) is also her ex husband's secondary abuser and enabler. She was and remains complicit here in the abuses of you. You will never receive an apology nor any acknowledgement of any responsibility for her actions.

I also don't understand why I still have nightmares all these years later.

Because it was as creepy as all get out, very traumatic, and you haven't had any kind of counselling or therapy to help you process it, or reach any kind of self resolution?

And because your mother still has him in her life, which means, even if you don't go there, he is still, to some extent, in yours, even just in the back of your mind, when you think about her?

No - none of that is in any way remotely 'normal'
Problem is, it's your normal.
You are still having nightmares because you haven't addressed it properly.
Please speak to your GP.
You could have some PTSD.
It certainly wouldn't surprise me with that upbringing.
Some therapy or counselling will help, so please reach out.

None of that was acceptable. All of it was abusive, but as a whole it was enough to have had you and your siblings removed from the home. It was beyond your control and none of it was your fault.

Given the way you're feeling now, it's probable you have PTSD; more than likely the complex or chronic type. Please see someone to talk about what all of you experienced. They took away any chance of a normal childhood. Don't let this mar the rest of your life.

So sorry about your pregnancy loss.

None of that is normal and how traumatic that you have to relive it 💐

He sounds absolutely vile, your mother is completely self absorbed and incapable of empathy, and foolish to boot.... I would advise very low contact from now on.

Have you ever considered counselling?

Does he still live in her house?
I’m so sorry OP. You are not making this into a big deal or exaggerating. It sounds very traumatic. The whole ‘hysterical girl/woman’ trope has been used for generations to minimise traumatic experiences. You aren’t mad or imagining or exaggerating. What happened is awful and you deserved better.

If your mum is still in the grip of him or hasn’t really processed it herself she won’t/can’t acknowledge how bad it was for you. That would mean acknowledging how bad it was for her and that she failed to protect you. So she prefers subconsciously or otherwise denial. Please don’t take your mum’s viewpoint as somehow how you should feel.

You're having nightmares because you went through abusive experiences that you haven't yet processed and dealt with.

I used to have regular nightmares about my Father....always on a similar theme. He would be coming somewhere public (work office, restaurant, etc) to kill me, the rest of the nightmare would be about whether he got the upper hand or I did. He was abusive when I was a child but nothing in the nightmare was directly related to his real life actions.

Once I worked everything through in therapy I stopped having the nightmares....that was six years ago and I haven't had one since.

If you do get counselling you need someone who deals with historic abuse - look for 'integrative' in their write up - it basically means they have studied lots of different techniques and will use whatever is most appropriate for you. You can find one on the BAPC.co.uk website under 'find a therapist'.

You don't want a CBT counsellor - they focus more on working through your reaction to things in the present which won't be as useful for this.

I mention this because CBT is the latest 'thing' in counselling and what GPs tend to push towards but it's only useful for certain scenarios.

Sorry about your MMC....the way your mother dealt with it suggests she could be narcissistic and/or have co-dependency issues.

You are not the one imagining things here.

For your emotional health I think you need a shell. Mine would be not too have anything to do with your mother or her ex.be proud of the life you have made for yourself against the odds and show the love to your own family that your mum and her ex didn't show you. And gain strength from the love they give to you.

I can't offer any specialist advice but wanted to say not normal at all and I really feel for you, having to deal with that person must have been awful. Do seek some counselling

I'm sorry for all you went through and for your miscarriage. That must have really hurt.

Your mother being unable to see your pain is very familiar in narcissistic relationships.

This thread has lots of examples, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1709450-Regale-me-with-hilarious-ridiculous-things-that-a-narcissist-or-enabler-has-said-to-you

You've been through an awful lot. Definitely not normal.

Thank you all for your responses, I appreciate you taking the time to read my mammoth post and giving me your feedback. Interestingly, my mother text me this evening to ask how I'm feeling (after my miscarriage surgery that I had a couple of days ago) and in the same message said she was having stomach pains (knowing that I'm experiencing cramping).

Oh honey. I think you need to realise that the Mum you got wasn't the Mum you wanted, or the Mum you needed.

What concerns me most about all this is that you have to ask if it was normal, and I don't mean that in a shitty judgemental way, I mean it because it was so far from normal, and the fact that you aren't sure, shows how traumatised you are by it. I know there's not really a "normal" but there's a general sort of baseline that it's ok to be within a distance of. Your childhood was so far from that baseline. Please seek support, it's ok to not have these people in your life. The vilest people in the world have family, it doesn't make them decent people. Protect yourself, listen to what your brain is trying to tell you through the nightmares, that you need support and help to move past this. And you absolutely deserve it.

It wasn’t normal. He assaulted you. You should investigate counselling. It’s never too late.

Absolutely 100% fucked up. Go to your GP tomorrow and show him/her your original post. Jesus. Sorry.

And don't bother with your mum, she will continue to try and fuck you up.

Sorry.