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Original poster

Does anyone wish they hadn't had kids?

58 replies

user6hty · 06/05/2019 19:06

I would really like them to the point where it is making me so miserable and all consuming. I want to get some perspective. would anyone go back to child free years if they could and never have DC? if so, why?

OP posts:
Iwannasnack · 06/05/2019 19:09

I miss my child free days massively and am jealous of child free friends. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I wish I hadn’t had them but if I knew then what I know now I think I may reconsider. DH does regret having them which makes me sad.

AlexaShutUp · 06/05/2019 19:10

Honestly speaking, no, I haven't ever felt like that, but I have seen plenty of threads from women who say that they wouldn't have children if they had their time again.

I also know many women without children who lead interesting and fulfilling lives.

Flowers I hope that this thread helps you to find the perspective that you're looking for.

Iwannasnack · 06/05/2019 19:12

Sorry just seen you’ve asked why. Mainly the complete loss of freedom. Life seems to revolve around entertaining them, feeding them, etc. Anything we want to do comes second and has to be negotiated. I miss lazy weekends, lie ins, fancy meals out and holidays and most of all headspace. Mine are only 5 and 3 so I hope some of this might return

Original poster
user6hty · 06/05/2019 19:14

iwanna why does your DH regret them?

it is all i can think about. feel like life isn't complete.

OP posts:
Original poster
user6hty · 06/05/2019 19:14

ooo cross post!

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 06/05/2019 19:17

Yes, tbh. I love my children unconditionally and now they're here and are lovely human beings I wouldn't change them. I am so proud of them and there are some wonderful moments. However, if I'd known how utterly unrelenting, boring and restrictive 98% of parenting would be, and how much it would impact my mental health, career and social life, I would go back and tell my 20-something year old self to stay on the pill and enjoy life. I'm just not very good at this parenting lark, don't have as much patience as I thought I had and feel slightly panicked at the lack of choices now available to me because the kids have to come first. I do get time out to do hobbies etc but unfortunately that highlights how much more I enjoy my child free time than I enjoy the vast majority of my time at home with DC.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 06/05/2019 19:21

I did, occasionally, when they were younger. I adored them but found parenting almost unbearably hard - I'm a selfish introvert and not really cut out for it. Now that they're 8 and 7 and much more like actual functional human beings, they're very entertaining and lovely and fun to spend time with. And I've forgotten what freedom felt like so I don't miss it any more Grin

Whatisgoingonwithmylife · 06/05/2019 19:22

I adore mine and would have her again in an instant, but I only have one DC so I definitely think I’ve taken the easy option Grin

Teatimeted · 06/05/2019 19:23

I only have one, and I love the bones of him and I certainly don't regret having him, but like a PP said, the overwhelming feeling of loss of my former life and restriction of anything I want to do in my current life is something I hadn't appreciated.

I get plenty of free time, have a wonderful hands on husband but it's more the battles in my own mind, of 'am I right for this role? Is my sometimes disinterest in parenting affecting him?' And that affects my mental health, as does the lack of sleep. It's just exhausting and relentless.

But conversely, I adore him and am so proud of the person he's becoming. It's such a complex issue...

toomuchfaster · 06/05/2019 19:23

I regret mine. I feel guilty at work when they're at home, I feel guilty at home as I know there's work to be done. I am sick of cooking and eating the same few meals as they won't eat anything else. I am soooo over visiting the PIL so fucking often so they can see the DGC. And the relentlessness of the repeating instructions over and over, being utterly ignored like I'm a piece of shit. Parenting is crap and joyless and the 'delights' are bollocks.

Singlenotsingle · 06/05/2019 19:24

I don't regret having them now that they're grown up. And I think the demands on parents these days is more than it used to be. We used to just open the door and tell them to go out and play (not have to entertain them all the time). Plus it's all so expensive now!

TheFaerieQueene · 06/05/2019 19:26

I have one DC who I love very much. I am glad I stuck with one though.

BuggaLugga · 06/05/2019 19:28

I agree with whatisgoingon - I have one girl and it is manageable! She's 9 now and life is definitely enjoyable but I found the first few years a bit of a write off. I'm really glad I didn't cave into the social pressure to have more. I would have regretted that i think, in my own particular circumstances.

formerbabe · 06/05/2019 19:31

I don't regret having them but I certainly can't wait till they're adults and I can work/holiday/socialise without restrictions!

Dogparty · 06/05/2019 19:31

It’s a massive shock to the system! I’m so lucky that I have a hands on husband and my parents are always willing to help too but it can be hard sometimes. I’m definitely sticking with one child, at least my life won’t become a relentless battle to keep on top of everything with just one child (I hope!) I don’t regret having him but I wish I had waited a little longer to get him. I’m 25 so quite young compared to the women at baby group. They seem to cope with it all better than me and I have a good baby! He is amazing though and I feel very lucky to have him. It’s just tough sometimes!

PicsInRed · 06/05/2019 19:37

I thought I felt like that when I was with my husband. Since he's gone, I'm glad of having had my child and I realised that it was ex's vile abuse which caused the pain and feeling of life's ruination, not my beautiful baby.

It won't be all of them, but I wonder how many child regretters are actually trapped in horribly abusive relationships?

MaudebeGonne · 06/05/2019 19:37

No, but I am glad I waited until my mid thirties and glad I stuck at 2. I would have struggled with the relentlessness and self sacrifice of it all when I was younger.

Middersweekly · 06/05/2019 19:39

Having children really is a thankless task but my only regret is the timing of my children but I don’t ever regret having them. They have made me the woman I am today. I will say though, when you’re out the other side of the trenches (aka when they are over age 5) it gets better. I feel I’ve done my time with 3 under 5 at one point and I am now looking forward to adult conversation and never having to do a school run again! I’ve still got a while to go Grin

Alwaysgrey · 06/05/2019 19:41

I wish I’d had my kids later. In part I do regret them but we have two kids with Sen plus others. And it is very very hard and far from a normal life. I greatly miss my freedom. I miss the person I was before children and although they’ve taught me a lot I’m emotionally burnt out and exhausted.

LordPickle · 06/05/2019 19:49

I absolutely adore my DS but I loathe my husband and I wish I hadn't had a child with him. Obviously a child with any other man wouldn't have been my DS so it is what it is.

How old are you OP? I had my DS when I was 36. I'm glad I waited.

formerbabe · 06/05/2019 19:50

I will say though, when you’re out the other side of the trenches (aka when they are over age 5) it gets better

Whilst I agree that it gets easier once your out of the baby/toddler/small child stage, for me I don't think I'll feel 'out of the trenches' until they are of an age when they no longer need childcare. They are 8 and 11 so yes, they are easier to look after but I still can't work unless I organise childcare and I still can't have a night out with my oh unless I sort out a babysitter.

squiglet111 · 06/05/2019 19:54

I have a 6 yr old and 1 yr old. It's tough. I don't regret having them but do kind of look forward to when they are more independent. Which is terrible as I should be cherishing every moment and I will probably look back on this time with rose tinted glasses etc... But at the moment I'm wishing the years away! The hardest thing is the lack of free time. I would love to go out on a date night with dh but it's not happened in over a year. I feel guilty asking my mum and dad to babysit both of them as youngest isn't the greatest sleeper. It's my bday in a month and I'd really like to go out with my hubby but I just don't think it will happen. Our last anniversary, his last bday... All spent home... lack of childcare/Too busy/ tired to do anything. Also, money is just drained with kids. Trying to save for a deposit, but money goes so fast! We both work full time so it's hard to manage all home and work without feeling like a failure in both! Hard work parenting!

Squeegle · 06/05/2019 19:55

Mine are teenagers, one with ADHD and who is 15 and smoking weed all the time and just about to be thrown out of school. It’s stressful and anxiety inducing and while I still love him I also hate what he is doing. I feel like I can’t live my own life as I am constantly worried about him and what I should be doing. It’s not what I expected, I’m confused and angry as to why my child is doing this. So, it definitely ain’t all roses being a mum.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 06/05/2019 19:55

Having kids is bloody hard and everything changes - you have no sleep, no money, no time, but hearing your child call you "mama" makes even the hardest times worthwhile.
I didn't know what it felt like for my heart to literally overflow with love until I had DC x

herethereandeverywhere · 06/05/2019 20:01

I beg to differ on the 'getting easier out of baby/toddler years' unfortunately. They argue back, they moan, they go to bed later. Their needs (decent schooling, friends, stable mental health) become way more stressful and difficult to navigate. Not only is it unrelenting and boring but it's also incredibly stressful with very little reward. And they aren't even teenagers yet...